


What Lies Beneath

by FloraTheWriter



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Gangs, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Infidelity, M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Non-Graphic Violence, References to Drugs, Thriller, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-02-27 07:08:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 49
Words: 65,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18734110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloraTheWriter/pseuds/FloraTheWriter
Summary: I thought that I had the perfect life... until I met him.And maybe I was right.





	1. Past - Hyunjin

**_March, 2000_ **

I hear the yelling as soon as I’m halfway up the cobbled path which leads to the house. I roll my eyes as I walk through the living room, ignoring the profanities being shouted from their bedroom. What they argue about doesn’t bother me anymore. I stopped caring a while ago.

I push open my room door and quickly close it, hoping to shut out the noise. That’s all it is – noise. I hate school. I _really_ hate school. I don’t see the point of it. I want to grow up. I want to get a job and make money and get out of here. I _need_ to get out of here.

I throw my school bag onto my bed, my body following close behind. The old bed creaks under my weight, but that isn’t the sound which startles me. It was a squeak. I’m positively sure I heard a squeak. Now, our house is kind of run-down – the wall is crumbly, the roof leaks and the paint has long ago peeled away, but never have we ever had a mouse problem.

I rummage in my drawer for the flashlight that I keep for emergency purposes – in this house you never know when you need to hide in a closet. I clench my lower lip between my teeth as I slide off the bed, making sure to be as quiet as possible. I’m not sure what I’m going to do once I actually find the mouse – I’ve never had to kill one before. I consider asking dad but he’s still yelling at mom. I steel myself as I go down on my knees, the rough wooden floorboards pressing into my skin.

I switch the flashlight on, and lower myself so that I can peek under the bed. I immediately fall over backwards and clasp a hand over my mouth to muffle my scream. It isn’t a mouse – _it’s a person_. I’m pretty sure that the two big eyes which stared back at me don’t belong to any critter.

Then I remember… The new foster kid was supposed to come in this evening. Social services must have dumped him here earlier. They’re always eager to get the kids off their hands. Mom and dad always tell me to appreciate that I have my real parents around, so I don’t have to be carted around like these poor kids. But I really don’t see the difference. My mom and dad aren’t the best parents. In fact, I think they’re the worst. I have the scars to prove it.

I peek under the bed again. The two eyes that stare at me now have tears in them. His lower lip is trembling. He’s a small thing – smaller than me anyway. He’s flat on his stomach, his hands tucked under him.

“What are you doing under there?” I ask with a scowl. “You’re under my bed, you know.”

The kid’s eyes widen and I stand up as he crawls out of the dark space. He stands in front of me shivering. He’s wearing a worn pair of jeans and a t-shirt with so many holes that he should have rather just not put it on. His raven hair is slick with oil and dirt. It needs to be washed. Mom is gonna freak out when she sees it up close. They probably just threw him in here without a second glance.

I take in his appearance. He looks so much smaller than me – not just in size. He’s like… a baby. “What’s your name?” I ask, surprised at how my tone had considerably softened.

He keeps his eyes downcast and wrings his hands as he answers. His voice is so soft that I barely catch anything. “What did you say?” I ask, tilting my head. “You’re gonna have to speak louder.”

It looks like it really takes him an effort but he speaks louder. “Jeongin.”

I don’t ask for his full name. They never have full names. “How old are you, Jeongin?” I ask, most curious about this answer.

He lifts his gaze to mine and I’m taken aback by the innocence in his eyes – innocence and fear. His eyes are really pretty. I’ve never seen eyes like his before – not the colour, but the shape. It reminds me of a fox’s eyes. He scrunches his nose as though he really has to think about his age. Then he holds up his left palm, fingers spread out. A second later, he holds up four fingers on his right hand.

I blink in surprise. “Nine? You’re nine?” He’s only a year younger than me. Who would’ve guessed? He looks like he’s five. But then again, I don’t exactly look like a ten year old either. I’ve been told that I look older than my age. At parents’ meetings teachers say I’m too mature for my age. _He’s growing up too fast_ , they tell my parents. _He’s more intelligent than kids his age, but he knows things he shouldn’t know_. _He has potential but he does things he shouldn’t do_. That only earns me another beating when we go home, my parents accusing me of making them look bad.

Jeongin nods slowly. I move to sit back down on my bed, my legs dangling over the edge, my back pressed against the wall. “I’m Hyunjin,” I introduce myself.

He stares at me blankly. He isn’t much of a talker. That suits me fine. I’m not much of one either. I notice the tear marks on his cheeks. I wonder if it’s the yelling that scared him. “Is this your first foster home?”

He shakes his head and holds up two fingers.

“Good,” I sigh. “Then I’m sure you know what to expect.” But I still feel the need to warn him anyway. “You do what they say and you won’t get hurt too badly,” I warn him. I put in an extra warning because this one looks like he needs it. “The last kid had a really bad accident and slipped in the shower because she didn’t do the dishes properly. That’s why they took her away – and sent you.”

At these words, his whole body begins to tremble and I instantly feel guilty. I didn’t mean to scare him. Well, I did, but it’s the only way he’ll be able to keep himself safe. I look at the steady stream of tears now pouring down his cheeks and I sigh. Okay, who am I kidding? He’s a literal baby. He’ll never be able to keep himself safe.

I consider just lying down and turning my back to him. But for some reason, I can’t. I find myself reaching for the towel that was draped around the chair next to my bed. “Here,” I whisper. “Wipe your eyes. Don’t cry.”

He takes the towel and half-heartedly dabs it against his eyes, his lips forming a small pout. I can’t help the smile that makes its way onto my face. His eyes widen. “What?” I ask raising my eyebrows.

He shakes his head and averts his eyes.

“Okay then,” I shrug my shoulders. It frustrates me that the tears keep pouring out of his eyes. I look around my room, searching for something. I make my way to the only cupboard that stood in the corner of the room, its door hanging on one hinge. This is where I keep my valuable stuff. I almost laugh at how that sounds. I don’t actually have that much. My parents never buy me anything – not even on my birthday. The stuff that I do have… I steal. I don’t think it’s that much of a problem. I only steal from the kids that brag about having too much. I frown, realizing what useless stuff I have. I don’t have any stuffed animals. He looks like he needs one. Kids don’t exactly carry those things to school so they’d be difficult to steal. Not that I have any use for stuffed animals now – I remember having one as a baby but I haven’t had any since then.

I have an idea. “I’ll be back,” I mutter. To my surprise, he clutches onto my shirt. “Jeongin…” I notice that he has big hands. He’s a baby with big hands. “I’ll just be five minutes,” I reassure him. “I’ll be right outside.”

Reluctantly, he lets go. I wonder why I’m doing this for him. I never moved so much as a muscle for the other kids. But this… this baby… I feel like I need to make him smile.

I rummage through the stuff thrown in boxes in the yard. I smile triumphantly when I find what I’m looking for.

I open my room door and blink – empty. But I know where to look. I peer under the bed, and find him looking back at me with wide eyes. “Come out. I have something for you.”

I wait for him to crawl out and stand up. I realize that I can’t give it to him like this so I quickly use the towel to dust it off. I hold it out to him and my heart feels warm when he smiles. I notice his silvery white braces for the first time.

I feel proud of myself as he hugs the old pink bunny slipper to his chest. “Glad you like it,” I mutter, making my way back to my bed. But before I can reach it, I’m hit with a force, and I have to plant my feet into floor to stop myself from falling over. “What…?”

_It’s Jeongin._

_He’s hugging me._

_No one hugs me. Ever._

He’s crying again – sobbing, really. The front of my white school shirt is now wet. I reluctantly place my arms around him. “It – It’s okay,” I reassure him.

“Th-thank y-you,” he sniffles. “Th-thank you H-Hyunjinnie.”

I feel my cheeks grow warm, and I involuntarily smile. “You’re welcome, foxy.”

Jeongin sits in the corner of the room on a worn out mattress with a tattered, old blanket. I feel guilty knowing that’s where he’s supposed to sleep. He’s still hugging the stupid slipper. I should be doing my homework but who actually cares about that stuff?

I glare at my bag where a slip of paper sits waiting for me to deliver it to my parents. They’re going to be furious – unsurprised yet furious, as always. I beat up someone else today. He deserved it. He called me stupid. He also had a chocolate bar that I really wanted. I suppose I should just get it over with now. I pull the teacher’s letter out of my bag and make my way out of the bedroom, giving Jeongin a glance on my way out.  

 

I hate this – not the pain they’re putting me through, although I don’t actually love that either. What I hate is that after every kick my father lands in my ribcage, all I keep thinking is, ‘ _Jeongin will be more afraid if he hears me scream now_ ’. I think it makes my father angrier that I refuse to make any sound, because his kicks seem to get harder. I bite down on my lip, the familiar taste of copper filling my mouth as I refuse to acknowledge the pain.

Tired, he finally relents, leaving me to take myself back to my room. I shoot a hateful glare in my mother’s direction, but she’s too busy watching a TV show to care. Nothing new.

I dig my fingers into the wall, pulling myself to my feet. I stagger to my room, hesitating as my fingers close around the door handle. Slightly disoriented, I press my ear to the door and sure enough, I can hear sniffling.

He looks at me through teary eyes as I enter, his mouth slightly open as he takes in my injuries. I’m not wearing a shirt. The blood and bruises are easy to see. The tears seem to fall faster as his eyes rove over each bruise.

“I’m okay,” I murmur, stumbling onto the bed and lying flat on my back.

But he doesn’t stop crying.

I hate it so much – not because it’s annoying, but because… it’s painful to see and listen to. This thought surprises me. When the other kids would cry I’d usually just cover my head with the pillow and yell at them to stop. But… how can I yell at him?

I close my eyes, willing all the pain to go away. I hear his footsteps. I hear him rummaging in my bag. With anyone else, I would have them bleeding on the floor by now. But… how can I hit him?

My eyes are still closed when I hear him approach – small, tentative footsteps that almost make me smile. Silence. I turn my head to the side and open my eyes, flinching when I see him crouched down so that his gaze is level with mine. My sudden movement causes a sharp pain to course through my body, but the pain is forgotten when he cautiously reaches out to touch my bloodied lips. He picks up the towel, and the bottle of water that he’d taken from my bag, and he holds them out to me.

Oh. I suddenly understand. He wants me to clean myself up. I manage a weak smile. “Thank you,” I murmur, reaching out to take the towel and water. But then everything goes black.

I wake to find a disgusting smell right under my nose. I scrunch my nose and open my eyes to find the pink bunny slipper tucked next to me. I feel a slight pressure on my arm and I realize that Jeongin is frantically shaking my arm.

I open my eyes and look at him. “Hey, that’s enough,” I murmur. But he doesn’t hear me.

He chants it like a mantra. “Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die, don’t die…”

I place my hand over his and he immediately stops shaking me. He jerks his hand away. “I said that’s enough,” I frown. “I’m not dying.”

My room door opens and we both turn our attention to the doorway where my mother stands with a cigarette in her hand. I close my eyes. The smoke always gives me a headache.

“You!” she snaps, and my eyes fly open. But she isn’t talking to me.

I watch as Jeongin begins to tremble under her gaze. I long to put my arms around him but I know better than to do that.

“You’re filthy,” my mother spits at him. I can’t disagree with that. He does need a bath. She looks at me. “Show him the bathroom and make sure he cleans himself properly.” She throws a dirty yellow backpack onto the floor. “These are his things.” Next, she throws an off colour school uniform onto the floor. “I paid a lot of money for it so make sure you look after it,” she glares at Jeongin.

Neither of us says anything after she leaves. He doesn’t make a move to take the backpack, so I do. It just contains another pair of jeans and a t-shirt – nothing personal. “Come on,” I say, dragging myself off the bed. “I’ll show you the bathroom.”

He begins to follow but I stop him. “Leave the slipper – uh – bunny. It’ll be here when you get back.” In my mind, I’m already scouring over all the places I could possibly steal stuffed animals from.

I take him to the bathroom and then I begin to walk out, pausing when I look over my shoulder and see him standing clueless. Jesus. “You know how to bath, right?” I ask, although I now have my doubts.

He shakes his head. “Shower. Two minutes.”

Shower? Two minutes? “You had a shower at your old home?” I ask.

He nods.

“And you were only allowed to use it for two minutes?” I frown.

He nods again.

“Well, there’s no shower here,” I tell him. “Just the bathtub. And you’re gonna have to scrub yourself clean. That’ll take more than two minutes.”

He looks at me blankly like he doesn’t understand. He probably doesn’t. I bite my lip and wince, forgetting that it’s hurt.

I walk over to the tub and begin filling it with water. I test the temperature with my fingers before turning to him. “Take off your clothes and get in.”

Wordlessly, he begins taking off his clothes and I avert my eyes. I don’t know why. I just feel like I need to. It’s like math class. The girl who sits next to me wears a really short skirt and it always rides too far up her thighs. I can’t help but look away. It’s not something I should see.

I hear a splash of water and turn to the bathtub, seeing him submerged. “Is it too hot?” I ask.

He shakes his head. I can’t help but notice the way his ribcage sticks out. He needs food – a lot of it. But I just can’t see him stealing it like I do. He’s probably the one who gets stuff stolen from him. The thought of someone taking his stuff makes me angry. He’s too innocent.

I take the bath sponge and squeeze some soap onto it before handing it to him. “Wash yourself.” While he does that, I squeeze some shampoo into the palm of my hand, lathering it before massaging it into his hair. He’s surprised by the touch of my fingers because he jerks forward and lowers his jaw slightly, his eyes fearful. I hold my soapy hands out. “Just washing your hair.”

He nods and sits back quickly, but I saw them – the scars on his back. Dark lines run across his pale skin – too many to count. I wonder what other scars he has – the ones no one can see.

I continue. “Where are you from anyway?” I ask, curiously. “You must’ve come from a good foster home if they bothered putting braces on you.”

He shakes his head and some of the soap goes flying. “What?” I ask, pausing to wash the shampoo off his hair.

“Dentist,” he mutters.

I raise my eyebrows. “Well, yeah that’s how you get braces.”

He shakes his head again. “She’s a dentist.”

Oh. “Your foster mom was a dentist?”

He nods.

“And… and your foster dad?” I ask.

I sense the shift in his demeanour. He draws his knees close to his body and wraps his arms around them. “Policeman.”

“We don’t have to talk about him,” I say quickly. He eases up. He leans forward, his fingers tracing the outline of the flowers on the wall tiles. He has a slight smile on his face.

“You like flowers?” I ask.

He nods. “Pretty.”

“You’re pretty too,” I whisper. He doesn’t hear me. I’m glad.

I’m rinsing the shampoo off his hair when I notice the stitches on his scalp.

“Whoa,” I gasp, my fingers tracing the stitches. “What happened to you?”

He shakes his head, not wanting to talk about it.

I want to ask him what else they did to him. But I think I know. It’s always the same. But it never bothered me until today, until now, until I met Jeongin.

**_June, 2000_ **

I reach over Jeongin’s head to turn off the alarm clock before it starts buzzing. I didn’t get much sleep last night. It was one of those nights. The nightmares were bad. He kept tossing and turning, whimpering in his sleep.

I prop myself up on my elbow, as much as the small space would allow. Jeongin sleeps in my bed with me now. It was an unspoken arrangement since his first day at my house.

That first night, I’d been woken up by strange noises. I realized that it was Jeongin talking in his sleep. I watched him for a while, until he woke up sweating, his eyes were filled with tears. He was shivering, rocking back and forth.

“What’s your problem?” I’d asked him, freaked out by his behaviour.

He shook his head, not wanting to talk. We locked eyes and I was taken aback by the fear in them – no, not fear – _terror_.

I shrugged and tried to go back to sleep. I tried. But I could always sense him awake, staring at me, silently pleading for help. “Jeongin,” I finally sighed, pulling back the covers. “Come here.”

And that had been our sleeping arrangement ever since.

I look at him sleeping peacefully now, the bunny slipper clutched to his chest, and I wonder what terrors run through his mind at night. “Jinnie,” his eyes flutter open and he smiles. “Stop staring.”

I glance at the clock. We have a few minutes before we have to get ready for school. “Jeongin,” I say, fidgeting with the blanket, “you never told me what your nightmares are about.”

He turns his back to me and I regret asking. “I’m sorry,” I mutter. “You don’t have to tell me, foxy.”

He says it in a whisper, but I hear it, and it shocks me. “My brother.”

“You have a brother?” I sit up in surprise. “You never said so.” Okay, he’s only been here for a few months, but I thought I knew everything there was to know. I don’t like not knowing things.

“Not any-anymore,” he says, his voice shaky. He jumps out of bed. “I’m going to bath.”

While Jeongin is in the bathroom, I make a list. I’m not nerdy – I just need to make a list right now. I list all the things that I know about Jeongin. I’m disappointed in myself.

He cries a lot

He likes pink

He likes flowers

He likes hoodies

He doesn’t like beans

He has a brother

I don’t actually know much about him.

 

He sits next to me on the bus and I observe him as he looks out of the window. I know that he’ll never tell me about himself. Whatever I want to know, I have to find out by myself.

I look around at the other kids on the bus. They keep their gazes averted from mine. I spot my target. He’s in a grade higher than mine but I don’t care. I walk down the aisle until I’m towering over him. All I have to do is hold out my hand and glare at him. He quickly rummages in his bag and places a granola bar in my hand. I tilt my head and raise my eyebrows. I see him break into a sweat as he pulls out another bar. Satisfied, I make my way to my seat, and place the two granola bars on Jeongin’s lap.

“Eat,” I say. There wasn’t any cereal left for breakfast today. I know he must be hungry.

“Thank you,” he smiles, opening one of the bars. He pauses before taking a bite, and pouts at me. He holds out the other bar.

I shake my head. “It’s for you.”

He lowers both his hands and looks out of the window. He’s not going to eat.

“Fine,” I mutter. I grip his wrist and bring his hand up to my mouth, taking a bite of the granola bar. He watches me chew. “Happy?” I ask.

He furrows his brows but knows that I’m just as stubborn as he is. He nods and begins munching on the bar.

I walk him to his homeroom, our hands intertwined. I see the other kids look at us strangely, but they know better than to say anything.

“Jinnie?”

“Yes, foxy?” I ask as we come to a stop outside the classroom.

Jeongin bites his lip in hesitation. “You didn’t ask before you took the bars from that boy.”

“Umm,” I avert my eyes, trying to come up with an explanation. “He… didn’t need them.”

Jeongin furrows his brows. “But what if he did need them? You didn’t ask, Jinnie. You should have asked.”

“Jeongin,” I roll my eyes. I don’t know why he’s being like this. He’s seen me do it a hundred times yet he hasn’t said anything until now. “Why are you saying all this?” I frown. “Did someone tell you something?”

He looks down at his feet, and I realize that my hunch is correct. “Who said what?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.

He begins fiddling with the straps of his bag that hug his shoulders. “He said you’re a bully.”

“Who?” I ask, my fingers clenched into fists.

He gestures with his eyes to a boy standing against the lockers, his eyes on us. I don’t know him, but the smirk on his face makes me hate him.

“Go inside,” I tell Jeongin.

“But Jinnie –"

“Now!” I snap. “Go inside.”

He sighs and obeys, giving the boy a fleeting look before disappearing into the classroom.

I look at the boy who’s engaged in conversation with someone. He looks older than me. Taller, stronger… But he’s messing with Jeongin, with me.

I begin approaching him but I feel someone wrench me back.

“You’re cleverer than that,” the boy who wrenched me back says, taking his hand off my bag. “Don’t pick a fight you know you’ll lose.”

I glare at him before I realize who he is. “You’re Minho.” He’s a few years older than me. I’ve never spoken to him before. But I heard he’s the one you go to if you need something. I don’t need anything.

“I need to get to my class,” I mutter.

“Want some extra money?” he asks, walking next to me.

I shake my head. “No.”

“You sure?” he asks, glancing at me. “Your brother looks like he needs some food –

“He’s not my brother!” I snap, pushing him against the wall. “He. Is. Not. My. Brother.”

Minho begins to laugh. I get angrier. “Calm down,” he says, a smug smile on his face. “I guess I heard right then. You _are_ pretty tough for your age.”

I shake my head. He makes my age sound like an insult. “Leave me alone. I don’t need anything from anyone. I can take care of Jeongin on my own.”


	2. Present - Jeongin

I deliberately slow my steps. I need to reach the door at exactly 8am. I pull down the hem of my striped purple and grey shirt. It’s new. I may have splurged a bit on the grocery money for this month. It’s fine. Hyunjin doesn’t have to know. But I know that he’ll notice the shirt. He’s always been so observant. I rack my brain to come up with a believable lie. 

I don’t know when I started lying to Hyunjin. Or perhaps I do. I think it started when I began paying more attention to my appearance. Usually, I’d dress in any old pair of jeans and a t-shirt, usually belonging to Hyunjin because his clothes are so comfy. But these past few weeks I’ve made changes. 

Now, I’m wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, not too tight because I know I’ll be on my feet the entire day. The new shirt I bought fits perfectly. A thin strip of black buttons run down the centre. I left the first two unbuttoned. Its more risqué than I’m accustomed to, but it makes me feel good about myself.

I’m at the store now. According to my watch, it’s 7:59. My lips curve into a smile as I retrieve the keys from my pocket. I look over my shoulder, and sure enough, _he_ is there. He jumps out of his car, his curly locks of blonde hair moving slightly in the breeze. His skin is pale, taking on a slightly golden colour as the sun casts its rays on him. His tongue runs along the circumference of his pink lips. On cue, we lock eyes. His eyes are a deep brown colour, not as dark as mine, but they still draw me in. 

I have to bite down on my lip to stop my smile from widening. I don’t want to look like an idiot. One second, two seconds, three seconds, and he looks away. It’s always the same. I turn the key in the lock and push the door open, turning around to close it as soon as I’m inside. Through the glass, I see him walk towards the hospital entrance. He’s dressed in black formal pants and a red shirt, his white coat thrown over his arm. It’s been four months since I first noticed him, but I’ve never seen him wear his white coat.

Two years ago, I opened this little flower shop opposite the hospital. If I was to get technical, I’d say that Hyunjin opened it for me, but it is my store. I’m a florist. I’ve always wanted to be one. Of course, Hyunjin took it upon himself to make my dream come true. I smile. Thoughts of Hyunjin always make me smile. I take out my phone, remembering to text him.

**_Jeongin_ :**

**I reached the store safely**

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**Good. I’ll be there to pick you up.**

**_Jeongin_ :**

**Thank you, love.**

**Don’t forget that I’m closing at 7pm today and not 5pm.**

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**I don’t like that**

**_Jeongin_ :**

**We discussed this, Jinnie.**

**I have to work now**

**See you later**

**I love you**

 

I switch my phone off, not giving him time to argue again. The flower shop is located directly across the street from the hospital. It’s someone’s first stop whenever they go to visit a loved one at the hospital. But still, this isn’t the only flower shop around. And it isn’t fancy. I can’t afford exotic, rare flowers yet. I suppose that’s the reason that business is so slow. 

Last night I decided that we needed to close a bit later, just so we can make a bit more money. Hyunjin takes care of the rent most times, but his job is… unstable. Then there are other bills – electricity, groceries, and the loans that we need to pay back.

I feel my mood sink lower just thinking of it all. I recall my friends talking about how stressed out I look lately.  _ You’re too stressed out for a 23 year old _ , they’ve all said countless times. But they don’t understand the burden of running a household.

From behind the counter, I have a good view of the hospital building. I look up at the hundred or so tinted glass windows, wondering which one is his. I wonder what kind of doctor he is. I wonder whether he loves his job. I wonder who he is.

I walk around the store checking on the flowers that adorn the shelves and baskets that are laden on the tables. I take time to admire each flower – each one with its own distinct shape, smell and colour. My head snaps up when I hear the bell ring, indicating that a customer has just walked into the store.

“How can I help you?” I ask with a smile. I really do love what I do. I love showing people the different combinations of colour and scent, watching their eyes widen when they discover something they like. Being situated across from the hospital, I tend to get a lot of customers who speak to me about their grievances. I don’t mind that. I like listening to their stories, and I’m always ready to comfort them. 

The ginger haired boy in front of me looks nervous. He’s wearing a pink sweater that’s much too big for him, and a pair of blue jeans that almost hide the expensive shoes on his feet. I take note of the sneakers – limited editions.

“Um hi,” he says, and I’m surprised at his deep voice. “I need flowers.”

He has a strange accent. Not American, but maybe… Australian?

I giggle at his nervousness. “Of course you do. Do you want to tell me who they’re for? Is the patient a sibling, a parent, a girlfriend or boyfriend?”

Now he looks completely flustered and is slowly turning red.

He lets out a nervous laugh. “Oh umm… They’re not for a patient.”

I slap a hand against my forehead. “I’m such a fool. I thought that because we’re across from the hospital…”

“Well, he’s in the hospital,” the boy giggles. “He’s just um… not a patient. He’s a doctor.”

“Oh,” I smile in amusement. “And he is your…?”

Again, he looks so flustered that he could melt into the ground. “We’ve been seeing each other,” he finally says. “But he’s not my boyfriend… yet.”

I walk around the store pulling out a few flowers to arrange into a bouquet, the boy following close behind. “What’s stopping you?” I ask, as I take out pink wrapping paper for the flowers.

The boy hesitates before answering. “He works with my brother. They’re good friends.”

I grimace. “That’s always a difficult one.” I secure the bouquet with a silver ribbon before handing it to him and giving him a receipt. “I hope everything works out with your not-yet boyfriend and your brother.”

“My brother is kind of over protective,” he says with a shrug, handing me the money.

“Then I wish you good luck,” I smile, waving him goodbye.

The rest of the day is uneventful. I get a few more customers towards lunch time. A few are familiar faces – like Mrs Choi who’s visiting her ailing husband, and Anna who’s visiting her younger sister. My day goes making polite conversation and sympathising with them. I turn my phone on, realizing that I can’t avoid Hyunjin forever.

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**Do you have to close late?**

**I’ll ask for more work**

**Did you really just switch your phone off?**

**Really Jeongin**

**I miss you**

**You should’ve woken me up before you left**

 

I decide to ignore the first few messages to avoid an argument.

**_Jeongin_ :**

**I miss you too**

**Of course I couldn’t wake you**

**You only got home at 4am**

**You need sleep**

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**I got called in to work a few minutes ago**

**Did you take lunch?**

**Should I bring you something?**

**_Jeongin_ :**

**I’m fine**

**Just be safe**

**Focus on your job**

I switch my phone off again, shuddering at the thought that something might go wrong. _Please be safe, Jinnie_. 

I’m hungry. I didn’t pack any lunch because there wasn’t any to pack. I’m saving the last few slices of bread for dinner. I can work on an empty stomach, but Hyunjin needs his strength. I’ll make him dinner as soon as I go home. I’ll pretend that I’ve eaten a lot throughout the day so that he eats most of the dinner. I think he suspects that I pretend. He always has this sad look in his eyes. 

Business is slow. I keep my eyes trained on the hospital entrance, wondering if I’ll see him again. I should feel guilty. But I don’t. I’m just looking. There’s nothing wrong with looking. I’m sure that Hyunjin looks at other men all the time. But there’s a small voice at the back of my mind telling me that Hyunjin will only ever have eyes for me.

At around 5pm when hospital visiting hours begin again, I’m forced to avert my eyes from the hospital building and deal with the customers that had walked in. I listen to their tales and offer my sympathies, smiling, nodding and shaking my head at all the right moments. Conversation is an art I’ve had to learn. It took me a while. I could never have done it without Hyunjin. 

My birth mother was a junkie who often had strange men coming around to our place – let’s not call it a home. She valued silence and my brother and I often got beaten for opening our mouths. When we were taken away from her, we were placed in our first foster home with foster parents who didn’t care whether we spoke or not. Our silence suited them fine – we were less likely to complain about the abuse. Then that thing happened. That thing happened to my brother and I was placed in my second foster home. Things started to change. I have Hyunjin to thank for that.

It’s nearly 7pm now. I smile in satisfaction. Closing late earned us a little extra to spend. Maybe I can even get Hyunjin the chocolate he likes so much. There’s a tap on the glass door and I know it’s him before I look up at his smiling face. I quickly switch the lights off, giving my plants one more glance before leaving the store. I’m turning the key in the lock when I feel his body pressed against mine. I giggle. “Stop. People will stare.”

“Think I care?” he scoffs, pressing his lips on the back of my neck.

I turn around to face him and place my hands around his neck. “I missed you,” I say. 

He secures his strong arms around my waist, pulling me against him. “I missed you too,” he whispers. I hear the exhaustion in his voice.

“Was work… difficult?” I ask. But I know he won’t talk about it. He never does.

“Nothing I can’t handle,” he smiles. It’s always the same answer. _I wish he’d let me in._

He has that look in his eyes. He always has that look before he kisses me. It’s almost child-like – a child afraid of trying something new, yet excited at the same time. 

I feel the warmth spread throughout my body as his lush lips envelope mine. The sturdiness of his arms provides a sense of safety, while his lips give me comfort. As our lips meet, I feel all my tension slipping away. I taste mint on his tongue, as my fingers find their way into his hair, gripping the strands in a way I know he likes. When he moans, I giggle and pull back. “There’s time for that later,” I tease. He groans and hides his face in my neck, giving me a clear view of the hospital car park.

I suck in a breath that I hope Hyunjin doesn’t hear. _He_ is there – next to his car. He has his eyes on me. I don’t know how long he’s been standing there, watching Hyunjin and I. His lips are slightly parted and he makes no move to get into his car. He’s wearing his white coat. I bite my lip. He looks good in it. It’s the first time I’m seeing him leave the hospital. He must finish at 7pm. Suddenly, I don’t mind closing the shop late.

“Let’s go home,” Hyunjin says, pulling out of my embrace, and forcing me to avert my gaze from the car park. He takes my hand and we begin walking down the street towards the bus station which is a few blocks away. I look over my shoulder and I tense. He’s still watching. He’s watching me and I can’t help the thrill that it brings me.

The thrill stays with me now – even as Hyunjin and I sit on the bus, when I feel Hyunjin’s hand creeping under my shirt, when I close my eyes and bite down a moan – I still feel it, I still think of _him_. And I know it’s wrong.

After a thirty minute bus ride, we’re back at our apartment. It’s situated in the bad part of the city, so Hyunjin keeps me close even though we just have to walk through the gate and we’ll be inside the building. His fear is irrational – it’s not like anyone in this area will touch me. They know who he is and what he does.

Our apartment is small – an open plan kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom. It’s what we can afford but I’m happy. I’m happy with Hyunjin. 

“Do you mind eggs for dinner?” I ask, hoping that he doesn’t. We’re running low on groceries. I touch the hem of my new shirt guiltily. I know I shouldn’t have bought it. 

“Eggs are good, baby,” he says. I study his expression from where he’s sitting on the couch, before I’m satisfied and start on the eggs. He never minds what I cook for him. He never asks for anything special. He doesn’t have to. I can always tell what he wants and what he doesn’t want.

“I haven’t seen that shirt on you before,” he remarks.

I freeze. I’m glad that my back is turned to him so that he can’t see my face. “Oh, this shirt?” I try to sound nonchalant about it. “Jisung was throwing it out the other day, so I told him to give it to me instead,” I lie. 

I’ll have to tell Jisung about the lie in case Hyunjin mentions it. Jisung is my best friend and although I feel bad about roping him into my lie, I know he won’t mind covering for me.

I hear Hyunjin walking over to me. From the corner of my eye I see him leaning against the kitchen counter. “Babe, why are you taking clothes from him?” Hyunjin asks, softly. “If you need new clothes, I can – I can do something.” 

I hear the hurt in his voice mingled with shame, and I instantly feel overwhelmed with guilt for hurting his pride. I switch the stove off and turn to him. I place my arms around him, and rest my head on his chest. “You do more than enough, Jinnie. He was throwing it out and I didn’t see why he’d want to throw away something that can be used, so I took it.” 

He sighs. “Are you sure you don’t need new clothes?”

“I’m sure, baby,” I smile up at him. 

Satisfied, he kisses my forehead. “Minho organised extra work for me today so I got paid a little extra,” he tells me. “Make a list of the groceries you need and I’ll get them tomorrow.”

I nod and kiss the underside of his chin. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” he huffs. “I’m just taking care of you like I should be.” 

I tell him about my day at the shop as we sit on the couch and eat dinner.

“You’re eating so little,” he observes.

I quickly shake my head. “I’m not that hungry. I ate so much during the day.”

He pauses, before nodding his head. I see the worry in his eyes.

As soon as he’s done eating I place myself on his lap and pepper his neck with kisses, hoping to ease some of his stress. He carries me to the bedroom.

He takes off my clothes at a painfully slow pace. I stand still, blushing under his gaze as I always do. I can’t help it. He looks at me like I’m a rare work of art – something valuable, something precious. 

He uses less care when he takes off his own clothes, discarding them quickly. He reveres me with every touch, gently caressing my bare skin with his calloused fingers as he eases me down onto the bed. 

He trails soft kisses down my jawline, nipping at my neck. I close my eyes and I moan, surprising myself at the unwanted images that find their way into my mind.

I wonder what _his_ mouth would feel like on mine – hot and wet, or cool and chilling? I wonder what his teeth would feel like sinking into my skin. I wonder what his fingers would feel like – would they be as soft as his skin looks? I wonder what flavours I’d taste on his tongue.

I shiver as I remember his piercing gaze, and I wonder what it would feel like seeing those eyes up close. I wonder how his curls would feel wrapped around my fingers. I wonder how his chest would feel pressed against mine. With every thrust from Hyunjin, I delve deeper into thoughts of him, and my release is given to me, for the first time, by someone else rather than Hyunjin. 

I wonder what causes the single, cold tear that rolls down my cheek. _Is it my guilt for letting another man consume my thoughts, or is it my longing for a man that I can’t have?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	3. Past - Hyunjin

_**February, 2001** _

I don’t like math. So I’m skipping it. No big deal. I stand on the landing between two sets of stairs. It opens out onto a terrace that overlooks the entrance to a football field. Students having their physical education class are milling about on the field. I can hear a group of students directly below me. They’re laughing at something or someone. “It’s so sad,” one says in a mocking tone.

“Yeah,” another one agrees. “Who doesn’t get presents on their birthday?”

_Me_. I roll my eyes and stifle a laugh. 

“His family probably can’t afford it,” one of the kids teases.

“But he doesn’t even have a family,” the other says, laughing and they all joined in. “He’s an orphan, isn’t he?”

I hear sniffling and I start to tense.

“L-leave m-me a-alone,” I hear the familiar voice say and I grip the railing tightly. 

_Jeongin_. They’re teasing Jeongin. _My Jeongin._ It’s his birthday? I didn’t know…

I watch as their teacher calls them onto the field. Jeongin follows behind the group and my heart sinks when I see him wiping tears off his cheeks. My anger is replaced with dismay.

I begin to pace. My birthday has never been special so I’ve never made a fuss about not getting any gifts. Hell, no one even wishes me a happy birthday and I was always fine with that. But Jeongin… He’s different. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any money to get him anything. 

I groan, realizing what I’ll have to do.

Minho is chatting to another kid under a tree when I approach him during the lunch break. He looks at me with a smirk as though he already knows he’s won. “I’ll talk to you later,” he tells the kid who runs off.

“What can I do for you?” he asks, and I want to punch the smug smile off his face.

“I need money,” I mutter.

He nods. “Come on then.” I’m surprised that he agrees so quickly.

I look at him in surprise. “Where?”

He laughs. “Do you think I’m just gonna pull out some cash and hand it to you?”

“No,” I glare at him. “But I thought that you’d just tell me what I have to do and then…”

He shakes my head. “What the hell do you think you can do for me? You’re gonna work for my uncle.”

I’m hesitant, but I follow him to the back of the school where he hops over the fence. I clamber over and drop down beside him. He leads me through several alleyways and I begin to wonder if he actually knows where he’s going, before we find ourselves outside a small building. On the lopsided sign, _Ty’s Café_ is printed in faded letters.

He knocks three times and an oversized, muscular man opens the door, letting us through. I scrunch my nose. It doesn’t smell like coffee and donuts like a regular café would. This café smells like a mixture of old cigar smoke, strong perfume and alcohol.

Suspicious looking people mill about and from the scars on their bodies and the guns on their hips I can see that they aren’t the type to mess with. I begin to wonder exactly what I got myself into.

Minho leads me to a table at the back. A man with dirty blonde hair has his legs propped up on the table, his hands behind his head as he leans back into his seat.

“Taeyong,” Minho says, “I brought you a new one.” He places his hand on my back and shoves me forward. I glare at him before turning my attention to Taeyong. His eyes are burning holes into my skin. I can feel him scrutinizing my every breath. I wonder what he wants with kids. It looks like he has enough men in here to do whatever he wants.

“Name?” Taeyong asks.

“Hwang Hyunjin,” I reply almost instantly. I hate that I’m afraid of him. But he isn’t the kind of man to take lightly. 

“Age?” he asks, removing his legs from the table so we could see each other clearly.

“Eleven in a few months,” I mutter, feeling like I should be old enough.

I probably should, because he starts laughing. “You sound ashamed,” he notes, his tone one of amusement. “In a rush to grow up?”

“Maybe,” I mutter, keeping my eyes downcast.

“Don’t worry,” he shrugs. “We actually use kids younger than you. But you’ll do.”

“Look,” I say quickly, “I – I don’t know what you want me to do, but I – I won’t do any – any…” I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.

“Chill, kid,” Taeyong laughs again. “I just need you to make a delivery for me. Can you do that?”

I raise my eyebrows. _A delivery? That’s it?_ I nod. “Yeah, I can do that.”

He gestures to man standing behind him and the man hands him a polystyrene box. On the box is an address. “Two rules,” Taeyong says, sliding the box over the table to me. “Don’t open it. Don’t let anyone besides the customer open it.” 

I nod. “Okay.”

He looks at Minho. “Get him some clothes. That uniform will draw too much attention.” He turns his gaze back to me. “From now on, carry clothes with you.”

I’m surprised that he thinks this is going to happen again. I shake my head. “It’s just today. I’m not coming back after today.”

“Alright,” Taeyong says, but the smirk on his face says that he doesn’t believe me.

Minho hands me some clothes. They’re a bit small, made for a six or seven year old but I squeeze myself into them. “What do you need the money for anyway?” he asks, following me out of the bathroom.

I shrug. “Jeongin’s birthday.”

It doesn’t take long for me to deliver the box to the customer. He’s a frail looking man who looked to be in his early twenties. He barely acknowledged me as I handed him the box. I’m back at the café in twenty minutes.

I can see from Taeyong’s expression that he didn’t expect me back so quickly. “You did good,” he nods. He slides a wad of cash across the table. My eyes light up. I can get Jeongin something really nice with this.

“See you soon,” Taeyong smiles.

I don’t return the smile. I’m not coming back. He isn’t going to see me soon.

After I change back into my uniform, Minho accompanies me down the alleyway. “You looked in the box, didn’t you?” he asked. 

I look at him apprehensively. He has that smug smile on his face again. I don’t answer.

“It’s good that you did,” he says, taking me by surprise. “It’s like a test. Only the dumb ones don’t look. At least you know what they do now.”

I nod. I _did_ look in the box. It was filled with bags of white powder. 

“That’s why they use kids,” Minho explained. “No one suspects cute little kids.”

“None of it matters to me,” I shrug. “I’m not coming back.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” Minho says with a laugh. “You going back to school?”

“I need to go shopping,” I sigh. 

“You can’t just go shopping by yourself, especially with your school uniform,” Minho rolls his eyes. “Eleven year olds are supposed to be in school. Let me go with you.”

“I don’t need your help,” I mutter. “You’re not that much older anyway.”

“I’m thirteen,” he shrugs. “You have a better chance with me.”

He’s right.

 

“What does he like?” Minho asked as we walk through the mall.

“His bunny slipper,” I shrug.

Minho gives me a weird look and I laugh. “Let’s go to the toy store,” he suggests.

We stand idly, looking at the stuffed animals on the shelf in front of us. None of us has experience with this kind of thing. “This is… cute,” Minho grimaces, holding up a blue elephant. 

I shake my head. “He likes pink.”

He holds up a pink hippo.

“It’s a hippo,” I sigh. “I’m not giving him a hippo.”

My eye catches a pink bunny high up on the shelf. I stand on my toes and try to reach it. Minho grabs it off the shelf for me.

“I’ll be taller than you one day,” I say smugly.

He gives me a wry smile. “I know.”

The bunny is cute and fluffy. It has a silver bow around its neck. “I think he’ll like it.”

I pay for the bunny and I’m glad to see I only used a small portion of the money Taeyong gave me. 

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” the cashier peers down at me.

“He should,” Minho flashes her a smile. “But he just lost his mom, and I thought this might cheer him up,” he shrugs.

The cashier nods and looks at me sympathetically.

“Told you I’m useful,” Minho laughs as we exit the store.

“Can we go to the bookstore?” I ask, and Minho looks at me like I’ve just asked him to jump off a cliff.

“I’ll go by myself then,” I mutter, but he follows.

I run my hands over the images in the book. It’s perfect. “This one,” I say, showing it to Minho.

“Jeongin is a weird kid,” Minho raises his eyebrows but looks at me apologetically when I glare at him.

“Just one more place to go,” I smile.

When we’re done, Minho leaves me at the corner of the street. He won’t bother going back to school. “Hey, Hyunjin,” he calls and I turn back around to face him.

“What?” I ask.

He throws me a bar of chocolate. “That’s for your…”

“He’s not my brother,” I warn before he can complete his sentence.

He laughs. “For your friend then. Wish him a happy birthday for me.”

 

I make it to the school bus just as I see Jeongin waiting in line to get in. He looks at me with wide eyes. “Jinnie, why are you coming from _that_ direction? You weren't in school?”

“Don’t worry,” I smile. “I have a surprise for you when we get home.”

The entire thirty minutes it takes us to get home, Jeongin begs to know what the surprise is. And I’m so excited to show him everything that I almost tell him. He pouts when I tell him to do his homework first. I just want to make sure my parents are asleep before I give him his gifts. I don’t want them asking where I got money from – they’ll only expect me to get more.

As soon as I see their bedroom light turn off, I lock my door and sit opposite him on the floor. I pull my backpack towards me. I clear my throat. I’ve never done this before so I’m a bit anxious.

Jeongin looks at me expectantly.

“Umm… Jeonginnie… Happy birthday,” I smile, feeling warmth creep into my cheeks. _This is so weird._

Jeongin gasps. “Jinnie, how did you know?” he asks, his eyes sparkling.

I smile. “I just did.”

I pull out my first gift – the bunny. He looks at me, silently asking for permission before he takes it. I smile as he runs his fingers over the fluffy bunny, hugging it close to his chest. He looks at me through teary eyes. “Thank you, Jinnie.” And before I know it, he’s tackling me to the floor, his arms thrown around my neck.

He giggles, as he lands on top of me.

I groan. “Innie, you’re getting heavy,” I tease. 

He shakes his head. “My Jinnie is strong,” he smiles.

I chuckle. “Don’t you want your other presents?”

He immediately lets go of me and I sit up, rummaging in my bag for the book. Jeongin sits close to me, pressed into my side, trying to get a look at the contents of the bag. I pull out the book and he claps his hands excitedly. It’s a book filled with pictures of flowers. I watch him flip through the pages, his fingers tracing each flower like he does with the flowers on the bathroom tiles.

“Do you like it?” I ask, hopefully.

“I love it,” he sniffles, and I hug him from behind when I see the tears falling down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry, foxy,” I whisper.

I rock him back and forth in my arms and we stay silent for a few moments, until I remember the cake.

“It’s just one slice,” I tell him, “but I know you’ll like it.”

He squeals and wiggles his shoulders in excitement when he sees the slice of chocolate cake. The box is a bit squashed from being in my bag for too long, but it looks alright.

I hand him a plastic fork and he’s about to dig in when I catch onto his wrist.

He looks at me in surprise when I start singing happy birthday. I didn’t plan on doing it, but it’s only fitting that I do.

“Happy birthday to you,” I finish the song, my cheeks red from embarrassment.

But Jeongin beams at me, and it makes everything worth it.

He spears a bit of cake onto his fork and holds it up to my mouth. I let him feed me before I do the same for him.

“Oh, one more thing,” I say, taking the chocolate bar out of my bag. “This is from Minho.”

“Minho?” he looks at me curiously. “Who’s that?”

“He’s…” I hesitate. “He’s my friend.”

I see it – the sudden shift in Jeongin’s mood. He lowers his gaze, and pushes the chocolate bar back towards me. He stabs, almost angrily, at the chocolate cake.

“Jeongin, what’s wrong?” I ask, concerned by his behaviour.

He pouts and stays silent.

I pull the fork out of his hand, placing it in the box and pushing the box away. “Tell me what’s wrong,” I say firmly.

His lower lip begins to tremble. _Shit. What did I do?_

“You…” he begins and I see him trying to hold back a sob. “I thought I was y-your only f-friend.”

Oh. My eyes widen. “Jeongin,” I almost laugh as I place my arms around him and pull him to my chest. “Minho is a friend, but you…” I sigh. “You’re more than that.”

He sniffles. “What do you mean?” he asks, looking at me with wide eyes.

I bite my lip. _What do I mean? I don’t even know._ “You’re just more,” I say. “You’re special.”

The night passes and Jeongin refuses to eat the chocolate bar from Minho.

 

**_June, 2001_ **

He tries to hide it, but I see it – the way that his facial features contort. I’m afraid. I’ve managed to keep my parents’ hands off him. They haven’t laid a finger on him. It’s one of – no – it’s my _greatest_ achievement.

“Come here,” I hold out a hand, my other hand drying my hair with a towel.

He shifts further down the bed, holding his bag to his chest. He shakes his head.

“You know I don’t like when you hide things,” I frown. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s not important,” he mumbles, tightening the grip on his bag.

I begin to get annoyed and he knows it from the expression on my face. I approach him and lift the bag off his lap, setting it down on the floor.

“Something hurts, right?” I ask, kneeling down in front of the bed so that I’m looking into his eyes.

Slowly, he nods. “Teeth,” he says. “My braces don’t feel right.”

_Shit_. Obviously, they don’t feel right. He hasn’t been to a dentist since he moved in here.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, plastering a smile on his face. “Let’s sleep now?”

 

“Minho,” I say, seeing him walk up to the school gate. “How’ve you been?”

He laughs. “You need work?”

I grimace. “Yeah.”

“Whose birthday is it this time?” he asks in amusement.

“No one’s,” I shrug. “I just need to pay for something.”

“Come on,” he gestures with his head to the road.

“Shouldn’t we go to homeroom first?” I ask, not wanting another note sent home to my parents.

“We don’t need to,” he shrugs.

“But –"

“Ty will take care of it,” Minho reassures me.

“So…” he says as we make our way to the café. “I’m pretty sure the reason you need money is Jeongin-related.”

“Yeah,” I say, not giving him any more information.

“That kid is pretty expensive, huh?” Minho laughs. “He’s cute though. I’m sure Taeyong can find a use for him –"

“What the fuck did you just say?” I ask, stopping in my tracks and glaring at him. “Jeongin is going nowhere near Taeyong,” I say through gritted teeth. “Do you understand, Minho?”

He’s taken aback by my outburst but he nods. “I get it.”

After a few minutes, I hear him chuckle. “You’re adorable when you swear, kid.”

“Fuck you,” I mutter.

“How cute,” he teases. I shove him and he laughs.

Taeyong is seated at the same table, the same blank expression on his face as he studies me. “Took you long enough,” he finally smiles. He gestures to one of his men and they hand him a polystyrene box. “You know what to do,” he tells me.

I take the box into my hands, but I don’t move. I bite my lip, contemplating how to go about saying what I want to say. 

“Spit it out,” Taeyong raises his eyebrows. “I don’t have all day.”

“Can I make this a weekly thing?” I ask nervously, breaking into a sweat.

He tilts his head, his lips curving into a smirk. “Weekly? You wanna work for me, you don’t get to choose when you work,” he says, leaning forward. He looks at Minho. “Get him a cell phone.” 

He turns back to me. “We tell you we got work for you, you come running. Understand?”

I hesitate. Then I remember Jeongin. “I understand,” I say.

I change into the clothes I packed and make the delivery, only to be given two more boxes to deliver. I don’t mind. I’ll be getting more money.

“You sure about wanting to work for Ty?” Minho asks as we make our way out of the café.

I nod. “Jeongin needs to go to the dentist. And I know he’ll need to go again. So yeah, I need money.”

He gives me a strange look. 

“What?” I ask.

“Just… you’re strange for an eleven year old,” he shrugs. 

“Everyone says that,” I roll my eyes. “I’m just doing what I have to do for Jeongin.” I glance at him. “So umm… I need a favour.”

He raises his eyebrows. “What?”

“You look… adult-ish…” I say, biting my lip.

Minho chuckles. “Sure, I’ll go with you both to the dentist.”


	4. Present - Jeongin

I’m tired. Minho called Hyunjin in to work at around 1am. I didn’t get much sleep since then. How could I, knowing that he’s out there putting his life at risk? And for who? _That_ _idiot, Minho_. I only dozed off once he’d arrived safely at home. Of course, I had to wake up forty five minutes later to get ready for work. I didn’t even have time to plan my outfit. I just chose a pair of grey jeans and a pale pink shirt which I loosely tucked in. I feel ugly but it’ll have to do.

Before I turn the corner, I retrieve my compact mirror from the brown satchel slung across my shoulder. I’m wearing a hint of eyeliner today. I’m afraid it’ll smudge, but Jisung reassured me that it’ll be fine. He also said that the cherry lipstain will give my lips some much needed colour, without overdoing it. I have no idea what that meant. He knows more about makeup than I do. I’ll have to learn. 

Satisfied with my appearance, I make my way down the street to my store. I glance at my watch. I have two minutes till 8am. Checking myself out cost me some time. I walk swiftly to the door, glancing over my shoulder and smiling in relief when I see him step out of his car. Today he’s wearing navy formal pants, and a black long-sleeved shirt. A simple gold chain hangs around his neck, reflecting the sunlight. I notice that he’s straightened out his curls so that they only curl slightly at the ends. I like it. 

We lock eyes, and I may have imagined it, but I could swear I saw his eyes travel down my body and back up to my face. _He just checked me out._ I resist the urge to squeal in delight and turn back around to open the door. But to my embarrassment, I drop the set of keys. I bend down to scoop them up and when I stand up, I’m surprised to see him leaning against the side of the car, his eyes still on me. I bite my lip to hide my smile as I turn the key in the lock. When I step inside and look through the glass door, he’s already making his way inside the hospital.

I want to believe that he stayed outside long enough to see me get into the store. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. _He’s probably not even into guys_. I sigh. What exactly is it that I’m hoping for? I distract myself from my thoughts by seeing to my plants. Time passes excruciatingly slowly. I haven’t had any customers yet and it’s almost lunch time. 

I hear my phone buzz and my eyes light up at the caller ID. “Hey, Jisungie,” I greet him.

“Do you have any plans for lunch?” he asks, not bothering with a hello.

“I never do,” I roll my eyes. “But you know I can’t leave the store. I might get customers.”

“I know,” he says and I hear him mutter something to someone. “That’s why I’m bringing lunch to you. I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”

“You’re the best,” I smile. “Thanks Ji.”

He arrives soon after, a few takeaway bags in his hands. “You dyed your hair again,” I note. “At this rate, you’re gonna be bald soon.”

He waves me away. “I just like to keep things interesting,” he shrugs. “Do you like the new colour?”

I nod. It’s brown with hints of blonde – much darker than the colours he usually went for. “Do you think I should dye my hair?” I ask, biting my lip.

He looks at me in surprise as he hands me a box of chicken nuggets. “It’ll be a nice change,” he remarks. “What colour though? Blonde like Hyunjin? Blue like my last hair colour?”

I cringe at his suggestions. “I was just thinking brown,” I laugh.

He makes a face. “Boring, but it’ll still be a nice change. And I’m sure Hyunjin will like it,” he teases.

I smile and nod, trying to hide my guilt, because it’s not Hyunjin I want to impress. _That reminds me…_

“Ji,” I say, trying to sound casual, “if Hyunjin ever asks, can you say that you gave me one of your old shirts?”

He’s taken aback by my request, but he nods. “Sure,” he says, giving me a strange look.

“I was in the store and couldn’t resist buying it,” I explain. “I don’t want him to know.”

Jisung nods in understanding. “Don’t worry, I got you,” he smiles.

“Thanks,” I smile in relief.

“Do you want me to come by and dye your hair tomorrow?” he asks when we’ve finished eating. “I’m sure I have the perfect colour for you.”

“Do you just keep hair dye lying around?” I ask with a laugh.

He playfully punches my shoulder. “You never know when you’ll need to change your hair colour,” he gives me a smug smile. “It’s best to be prepared.”

I roll my eyes, but smile. “Why don’t you come for dinner tomorrow?” I ask, throwing away our empty takeout boxes. 

“Is Hyunjin’s friend gonna be there?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

I roll my eyes. He’s only met Minho a few times but he seems completely infatuated. “I’ll tell him to invite Minho as well,” I sigh. But I know Minho will probably spend the entire evening hovering around Hyunjin.

“I’ll be there,” Jisung grins.

After Jisung leaves, the rest of my day passes in a blur. There’s two minutes left till closing time when I hear my phone beep. It’s a text from Hyunjin.

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**Baby I’m gonna be home a bit late.**

**You’ll be able to take the bus by yourself?**

**I immediately tense at his words.**

**_Jeongin_ :**

**Is everything alright?**

**Are you safe?**

**Are you hurt?**

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**I’m good.**

**I promise.**

**It’s just busy.**

**_Jeongin_ :**

**I hope so.**

**Don’t worry about me**

**I’ll take the bus home**

**_Hyunjin_ :**

**I love you Innie**

**_Jeongin_ :**

**I love you too Jinnie**

 

I put my phone away and eagerly watch the hospital doors. I’ve actually been watching them all day. Finally, I’m rewarded. He steps through the automatic doors, making his way to his car. Quickly, I switch the lights off and hurry out of the store, hastily locking the doors. 

He catches my eye just as he’s jumping into his car and the slight curve of his lips makes my heart race. It feels like my entire day has been worth it. Smiling to myself, I begin walking down the street to the bus station, breathing in the night’s air. It smells so much sweeter now that I’ve seen him. 

I’m a block away from the store when I get that feeling – _a prickly feeling._ I turn around and I’m met with bright flashes of light as a few cars pass by. I frown and start walking again, surprised when a car slows down. I recognise it. It’s _his_ car. 

I stop in my tracks and stare as the car comes to a stop, the passenger side window rolling down. I draw in a breath when he peers up at me. _Oh god. Oh my god._ I knew that he’s good looking, but up close, he’s breath-taking. 

“Hi,” he says, licking his lower lip.

_Oh my god._ I want to greet him but the words are unable to leave my throat. I feel like a teenager being approached by their crush for the very first time.

“Can I give you a ride?” he asks, his lips curving into a warm smile. “It’s pretty dark,” he says looking around. “Not entirely safe.”

I blink. His accent is familiar – Australian. Again, I want to talk but the words just won’t come out.

“I know I’m a stranger,” he grimaces, “but I’m not dangerous.”

I realize that he thinks I’m afraid. I am – I’m afraid of making a fool of myself. Then I realize that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I know I should decline, but... “Umm, okay,” I say, opening the car door. His white coat is on the seat and I’m not sure what to do with it so I just hold it as I sit down.

“Pretty cold tonight, huh?” he asks, starting the engine again.

I nod. “Yeah.”

“I’m Chan, by the way,” he says, giving me a smile before turning his gaze back to the road.

I bite my lip. So that’s his name. _Chan…_ _Channie…_ I feel my cheeks warm. What am I thinking? What am I even doing? I realize that I’m being rude. “I’m Jeongin,” I introduce myself.

“Cute,” he says in response and just that word sends me sailing on cloud nine. 

“Do you mind if I get some coffee?” he asks, looking at me apologetically. “It’s been a long day.”

“I don’t mind,” I give him a reassuring smile. I look down at his coat and see the name tag attached to the front pocket. _Bang Chan – Orthopaedic Surgeon_. He’s a surgeon. _Wow_. With my average high school diploma I feel intimidated. 

“There’s this restaurant I go to all the time,” he tells me. _He smells so good_. “They have amazing food. You hungry? I’m sure you haven’t had dinner yet.”

My eyes widen. He’s asking whether I want to have dinner with him. _Oh god, oh god, oh god. He’s just being friendly, right?_ The right thing to do would be to politely decline. I need to go home to Hyunjin. _Hyunjin_. But Hyunjin won’t be at home. I’ll be going back to an empty apartment. _Hyunjin won’t mind me making a new friend, right?_

“It’s my treat,” he adds, looking at me hopefully.

I take a deep breath. “I could eat,” I say.

He looks relieved. It makes me smile. 

“You won’t regret it,” he smiles. “I’m not sure what food you like, but everything there tastes great.”

“That’s… nice,” I smile, suddenly forgetting how to have a conversation.

He must sense that I’m nervous, because the next thing that he says is, “I know we don’t know each other, but… we’ve kind of been seeing each other a lot.”

I blush, and I know my cheeks are a light shade of pink. “We have,” I smile. There’s an awkward silence that follows, and I look for something to fill it with. Of course, I say the stupidest thing. “So… You’re a surgeon.” I am so stupid. Why did I have to state the obvious?

He chuckles. “Yeah, and you’re a florist.”

“It’s not as exciting as your job,” I murmur shyly.

“Exciting?” His grimace makes me giggle. “Nah,” he shakes his head. “It’s just really stressful.”

I nod. “I understand. I can’t imagine being responsible for someone’s health in that way.”

“It has its rewards,” he grins. “I mean, because of my job there’s this cute florist I get to see every morning…”

I giggle and turn to look out of the window, hiding the blush that decorates my face

It’s only then that I notice we’ve pulled up to one of the most expensive Italian restaurants in the city. 

“Chan…” I take a moment to note how strange his name feels coming from my mouth. “This place… I – I’m not even dressed formally. I…”

“Don’t worry about it,” he shakes his head. “I’m a regular here. They won’t mind how you’re dressed.”

I clench my lower lip between my teeth. This is going to be embarrassing. He gives me a reassuring smile before jumping out of the car. I place my hand on the door handle but it’s opened from the outside by Chan. I’m pleasantly surprised by the gentlemanly gesture. I jump out of the car and follow him inside. 

There are three women waiting in the restaurant lobby. Their eyes light up when they see Chan, but all three look at me in distaste. It takes an effort to not roll my eyes. I hear soft piano music from the room behind them. 

“Good evening, Doctor Bang,” the woman with shoulder length black hair greets him with a smile. “Would you like your usual table inside or outside?”

Chan hums. “I think inside will be fine,” he smiles.

The woman bows and the blonde next to her leads us inside the well-lit room. I almost laugh when I see her swing her hips and flip her hair. She’s being way too obvious. We’re taken to a table in the corner of the room, not too close to the pianist but not too far. 

The blonde raises her eyebrows when Chan pulls out my chair for me, before seating himself. I’m too flustered to even look up.

“You can leave us,” Chan tells the waitress once she leaves the menus in front of us. I see her scowl before she leaves. I feel bad for her.

I open my menu and gawk at all the fancy dishes listed. I don’t even understand what’s in them.

“Can I make a recommendation?” Chan smiles, probably noticing the baffled look on my face.

I nod. “That would be nice,” I smile shyly.

He gestures to the waitress and orders two dishes with names I can’t pronounce. “Something to drink?” He looks at me expectantly.

“Oh umm…” I debate whether to order a soda or just a glass of water.

“Ah I got it,” he gives me a knowing look. Again, he orders something with a name I’ve never heard of. I don’t mind. As long as it’s drinkable, it’s fine with me.

“The outside seating area is really nice,” he tells me when the waitress leaves with our orders. “It has a really good view. But it’s cold and I don’t want you getting sick so…”

I smile. “Makes sense. You’re a doctor.”

“Yeah,” he laughs. “Maybe next time we can sit outside.”

I feel my pulse quicken. _Next time? He wants to do this again?_ My eyes widen when a waiter places a bottle of red wine on our table, along with two glasses.

_Shit._ Hyunjin doesn’t like it when I drink alcohol. I promised I’d only ever drink alcohol when he’s around. Let’s just say I have a low alcohol tolerance…

The waiter pours a glass and Chan stops him before he pours another. “I’m just having water,” Chan smiles when the waiter leaves. “I have to perform a surgery tomorrow so alcohol isn’t the best thing right now.”

I nod, eyeing the glass in front of me. Hyunjin won’t even know if I have a few sips. I take a sip and I’m amazed by the rich flavour. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever tasted.

“Good, right?” Chan grins. 

I nod, trying not to drain the entire glass. “So good.”

“It’s my brother’s favourite,” Chan explains, sipping on his glass of water.

“You have a brother?” I smile. “How old is he?”

Chan thinks for a moment. “He’ll be 24 in a few months.”

“Ah he’s older than me by a year,” I tell Chan.

“Just a year?” Chan looks at me in surprise. “You don’t look older than 20.”

I blush because he says it like a compliment. “And how old are you?” I ask, trying to divert the conversation from myself.

“Oh, I’m _really_ old,” Chan makes a face.

I laugh. “Liar.”

He joins in my laughter. “I’ll be 27 soon,” he tells me.

Even though he looks young, I’m still surprised by his age. “Twenty seven and you’re a surgeon?”

“I graduated high school early,” he smiles shyly.

“Wow,” I whisper. “That’s impressive.”

He’s about to say something when our food arrives. He almost looks annoyed at being interrupted. I understand. I wouldn’t mind just sitting and talking to him for hours. 

“I hope you like it,” he says looking at the pasta in front of me. “It’s actually another one of my brother’s favourites.”

I take a bite and smile. “Your brother has really good taste. It’s so good.”

He chuckles and holds out a forkful of his pasta. “I have better taste,” he winks.

I hesitate and feel my cheeks warm as I lean forward, letting him feed me. I keep my eyes downcast and fail to hide my smile. “Maybe you do,” I say softly.

We eat our meals in silence, but it isn’t uncomfortable. I resist the urge to ask him about himself, because I don’t want to have to tell him about myself. He’s someone who’s accomplished, well-known, and no doubt comes from a good background. I can’t help but feel intimidated by that. More than intimidated, it makes me feel inferior. He hasn’t said or done anything to make me feel that way – it’s more my own self-esteem that’s the problem.

He opens the car door for me and moves around to the driver’s seat. “Thank you,” he says, starting the engine.

I raise my eyebrows. “Shouldn’t I be saying thank you?”

He shakes his head as he pulls out of the parking bay. “Not at all. I was lucky enough to have great company for dinner. I’m the one who should be thankful.”

I blush at his words and I have to look away because I’m sure that my face is as red as a tomato. 

“Type in your address in the GPS,” he smiles. “Let’s get you home.”

I pale and embarrassment takes over. He’s going to see where I live. I can’t imagine what a contrast it’ll be from where he probably lives. “Umm,” I sigh. “Just leave me at the bus station. I’ll manage from there.”

He raises his eyebrows. “That’s not going to happen, Jeongin.”

The way he says it, tells me that there’s no room for argument. I type in the address of my apartment building and he begins following the directions set out on the screen. 

He frowns as he drives along the street towards the building. “Jeongin, this place doesn’t look safe,” he tells me. “Have you lived here long?”

I cringe. “I know. I’ve been here for a few years.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at me apologetically. “I didn’t mean to sound…”

“No, no,” I quickly say. “Don’t worry. I know it isn’t safe. Nothing has ever happened to me though.”

He nods and pulls over outside the apartment building. He turns his head to look at me and I feel ruffled under the intensity of his gaze. I take a deep breath and look straight ahead. 

“I had a good time with you,” he says, his voice so silky, it’s almost like listening to a song.

“I did too,” I say, still unable to look at him.

“Jeongin,” he says and my breath hitches when I feel his hand on my knee. This time I do look at him. “We should do this again,” he says. His hand creeps further up towards my thigh. 

_ Oh god. I can’t. _

“I have a boyfriend,” I blurt, looking at him with regret.

To my surprise, he keeps his hand on my thigh, his thumb stroking the fabric of my jeans. “We should do this again,” he repeats softly, leaning closer to me.

My eyes widen.

He kisses my cheek.

_Oh god_.

“I have to go,” I murmur, and I’m out of the car a second later.

I turn away from the car and look up at the building, trying to gather myself together. He hasn’t started the engine again so I know he’s watching.

Then I see it. The lights in my apartment are on. _Hyunjin is home._

“Hyunjin?” I call out for him as soon as I step inside.

“Baby,” he walks out from the bedroom, phone in hand. “I was worried,” he frowns, cupping my face with his warm hands. “I got home a few minutes ago and saw that you weren’t here. You weren;t answering your phone. I called a few of your friends and they said you weren’t with them. I was just gonna go out to look for you.”

“I – I’m sorry,” I apologise. “I was umm…” 

“What is it?” he furrows his brows. “Is everything alright? Were you in trouble? Do I need to talk to someone?”

“Babe, no,” I place my hands over his, trying to calm him down. “I was with my friend.”

I can see him mentally scanning through a list in his head, trying to figure out who I was with. “That car that dropped you off… I don’t recognise it,” he bites his lip, his eyes reflecting his concern.

_Shit_.

“A new friend,” I clarify. “Umm… One of my customers – Anna. We talk a lot. Today she offered to buy me dinner and gave me a lift home because I told her that you were going to be late.” Even I’m surprised at how easily the lies leave my mouth. 

“Oh,” I see him relax and he smiles. He places a kiss on my forehead. “That was nice of her.” _God, I feel so guilty_. He takes my hand and leads me to the couch. “I have a surprise,” he grins.

There are several shopping bags on the couch. “Jinnie, what’s all of this?”

He rummages in the first bag, pulling out two shirts. “New clothes for you,” he smiles.

I feel my heart sink. “Jinnie, you didn’t have to…” My eyes fill with tears as he pulls out more clothing from the other shopping bags. 

“I wanted to,” he says, emptying out all the bags. “I can’t have my boyfriend taking hand-outs from other people. You deserve the best, Innie. I want to give that to you.” He sighs. “This really isn’t much, but…”

I clutch one of the shirts and before I know it I’m sobbing into his chest. “J-Jinnie I – I’m so s-sorry, s-so so sorry.”

“Jeonginnie,” he envelopes me in a hug. “Why are you sorry, love?”

“I’m a – a b-bad boy-boyfriend,” I sob. I am. I’m a terrible boyfriend. _Disgusting. I don’t deserve him._

“No, baby,” he rubs my back. “You’re the best. Don’t ever say that again.” He lifts me into his arms and takes me into the bedroom, setting me down on the bed and taking off my shoes. “Rest, foxy. I’ll tidy up and join you in a few minutes.” He places a kiss on the side of my head and switches the bedroom light off as he leaves.

I curl up into a ball and I cry myself to sleep.

_I’m a terrible boyfriend_.


	5. Past - Hyunjin

_**June, 2003** _   


“You’re going out again,” Jeongin observes with a pout as I zip up my hoodie.

I nod. “I have to. I told you it’s how I get money for us. It’s how I buy you food, it’s how I pay for your dentist…”

“But it’s late,” he mutters, his angry gaze fixed on his math textbook.

“Jeongin, it’s 10pm,” I sigh. “I always go out at this time. Why are you being like this tonight?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he shrugs, throwing his book aside and lying down on the bed, his upper half lethargically dangling off the bed.

“You’re going to dirty your hair,” I shake my head, observing how his long raven bangs brushed the floor. “You need a haircut.”

He makes a sound and I’m not sure whether it expresses agreement or disagreement. “What’s wrong?” I ask again.

“You’re hurt,” he mutters.

I shake my head. “It’s nothing.” My father beat me again – I got caught skipping school. I don’t know whether it’s just my imagination, but the beatings never hurt anymore. I just don’t feel anything.

He looks at me with wide eyes, and I give him a smile, but he averts his eyes. I sigh. I don’t understand why he’s being like this. He’s always clingy, but not _so_ clingy. “Don’t forget the snacks in the cupboard if you get hungry,” I tell him. I try not to buy him a lot of junk food. But he loves those chocolate cereal bars so much…

“You’ll be with Minho?” he asks, drawing imaginary circles on the floor with his finger.

“Obviously,” I scoff. “You know he works with me.” I don’t understand why Jeongin doesn’t like Minho. They’ve only met a couple of times – when I needed Minho’s help to take Jeongin to the dentist or doctor. If anything, he should be grateful that we have Minho for those things. “I’ll be late so don’t wait up,” I say, checking that I have my wallet with me.

He ignores me. I ignore him too. I want to placate him and cuddle with him. But I can’t be late or Ty will kill me. I don’t have time for his tantrums. I slide open the window and shiver as the cold breeze filters in. “Okay, I’m heading out.” I say, glancing back at him.

He doesn’t answer. “Goodnight,” I say.

Still no answer.

“Wait,” he says as I begin clambering out of the window. I drop down and peer back through it.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I have something for you,” he says, sitting up. He wrings his hands the way he always does when he’s nervous.

I sigh. “I have to go now, Innie. I’ll see you later. Promise.”

 

“Bad day?” Minho asks, meeting me in the alleyway outside the café.

I shrug. “The day was fine. Jeongin was just being…”

“A brat?” he chuckles.

I glare at him. “My Jeongin isn’t a brat. I guess he just doesn’t like staying alone.”

“Well, he needs to get used to it,” Minho shrugs.

I want to argue but I need to get my head in the game. “What are we doing tonight?”

Usually I just follow a few of the older guys around, making sure that Taeyong’s deals go down fine. It was tense but boring. Nothing ever happened because who the fuck would even mess with Ty? I hardly ever got to see Minho. Ever since he dropped out of school Taeyong’s been giving him more important work. I guess it’ll be the same with me soon. I skip school so much, I may as well drop out when I’m done with middle school.

“You remember how to use a gun, right?” Minho asks, pushing open the café door.

I nod. “Yeah, why?” A year ago Ty made Minho teach me how to use a gun. I’ve never had to actually use one though.

“Because you’ll be using it today,” Minho says, holding out a handgun. I traced my fingers over the black metal, checking the cartridge and noting that it only had one bullet in it. He turns around to face me, holding the door open with one hand, the other hand on my shoulder. “You know how you always say you want to make enough money to leave home with Jeongin? This is your chance. This is where you start.”

I furrow my brows. “What do you mean? What’s happening tonight?”

He gestures for me to follow him inside. I notice that the café is unusually quiet tonight. I can count five men scattered around, but not even Taeyong is at his usual table. “What’s happening?” I ask again, expecting the worst.

“Listen,” he says, looking at me sternly. “Ty wants you to try something new. It’s like… a promotion. I had to do it too eventually. You do good and you’ll get a lot of money.”

I nod eagerly but I’m cautious. Taeyong pays well and he looks after us if we do our jobs right. But I still don’t trust him.

I follow Minho to a door that I always assumed led to the café’s kitchen. I guess I was wrong. There is no kitchen. The door opens to reveal a set of stairs descending into what seems to be a basement. I narrow my eyes and follow behind Minho. “This is crazy,” I whisper. “How is this basement even here?”

“Ty had it built into the sewers,” he explains. “Now shut the fuck up or they’ll take your head off.”

Who? Where are we going? What am I going to do? I wanted to ask. But the last time I asked Minho too many questions he punched me in my stomach. And it hurt. A lot.

I begin to hear voices as we descend further down. A gleam of yellow light appears below us and I realize we’re getting closer to the bottom. The muffled voices begin to get clearer and I freeze. Someone is crying.

Minho looks back at me with raised eyebrows. I shake away my fear and carry on following him, hesitating on the last step before turning the corner and facing the occupants of the basement.

I feel my stomach clench. Around six men, one of them Taeyong were standing around a man tied to a chair.

“Ah Hyunjin,” Taeyong beckons with a finger and I approach him, trying not to look at the bloodied man in the chair. But his bruises stand out, purple, swollen and fresh. He murmurs the word “help,” but it’s soft and weak because he knows he isn’t getting any help. “This is a client,” Tayeong gestures with a tilt of his head to the man in the chair. “Do you know what he did, Hyunjin?”

I look up at Taeyong and shake my head. “No.”

Taeyong sighed and circled the man to face him. “He paid me in counterfeit money.”

_What an idiot._

I gulp. “W-what can I do for you?” I ask Taeyong, trying to not guess the answer.

Taeyong shrugs. “We don’t like traitors, do we?” he glances at Minho.

“We don’t,” Minho agrees, his lips curving upward.

I tense.

“Kill him,” Taeyong says, locking eyes with me, a dangerous yet challenging gleam in his eyes. This is all a game for him. My life is a game for him. “One bullet, execution-style,” he orders. He knows I won’t refuse. He knows I can’t – I need this. I need the money. I need Taeyong and I hate that I do.

I wipe my sweaty hand on my jeans, before grasping the revolver. Taeyong smiles. “Come upstairs when you’re done.” He glances at Minho. “Take care of it if he can’t.”

_If I can’t?_ I cast an angry glare in Taeyong’s direction as he climbs up the stairs. I can do this. It’s easy. I don’t even know the guy.

I walk around until I’m facing him, his knees almost touching my legs. I raise my hand, and I point the gun at him, pressing it against his forehead.

He begins to whimper and I see the desperation in his eyes slowly fade into helplessness. _I can do this. Can’t I? Yeah, it’s easy._

“Please,” he murmurs, “my d-daughter, w-wife…”

My hands begin to shake. I don’t know if I can keep standing.

“Do it,” Minho whispers in my ear. “Do it for Jeongin.”

My eyes widen. _Do it for Jeongin. I have to._

 

“You live _here_?” My eyes widen as I look around Minho’s apartment. “But you’re only fifteen. How…?” I mean, I knew he left home, but I didn’t think he’d be living in a place like this. I imagined some kind of rundown building. But this was different. The ceilings were high and the walls were white, not a single stain on them. The furnishing and décor was minimal, giving the apartment a relaxed atmosphere.

“I told you,” Minho shrugged. “Ty takes care of his own.”

I nod. “I guess because you’re his nephew…”

Minho burst into laughter. “That’s not what I mean when I say ‘his own’. He shot his own brother because he suspected he was double crossing him. You think I’m special to him?”

I stare at him, trying to figure out whether he’s lying. I don’t think he is. “His own brother?”

Minho nods and shrugs off his jacket throwing it onto the couch. “Yeah, wasn’t too long ago actually.” He bites his lip and stares into space for a few seconds before shaking his head. “Anyway, when I say he takes care of his own, I mean he takes care of the people who get stuff done for him. You can have this too if you work for it,” he gestures to the space around us.

I nod and look down at my hands. I washed them at the café but I can see the red stains under my nails. I can’t go back to Jeongin like this. _I can’t touch him with these hands. I won’t._

“Shower?” Minho asks, giving me a knowing look.

“Please,” I sigh.

My skin feels raw. I’ve been scrubbing my fingers for the past half an hour but they still feel dirty. They _are_ dirty. I hear a knock on the bathroom door.

“You okay, Hyunjin?” Minho asks from outside.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply, but I don’t know whether I’m telling the truth.

“I left some clean clothes on my bed,” he says. I can feel that he wants to say something else, but I hear the shuffling of footsteps as he walks away.

He’s sitting on the couch with a mug in his hands. He gestures to a similar mug on the table. “Coffee,” he smiles.

“Thanks,” I murmur, sitting beside him.

“You can back out,” he says after a while. “While you’re not too deep into it.”

“Minho, I just killed a man tonight,” I say, looking at him in exasperation. “How much deeper into it can I get, huh?”

“You have no idea,” Minho says quietly, a sad smile on his face.

I shake my head. “Whatever it is, I’m ready for it.” I look around at the apartment. “I need this. I need this for Jeongin.”

We sit silently for an hour or so. I’m grateful for the silence. I think he knows that I needed it. Eventually, I realize that I should be getting back. I stand up to leave but Minho asks me to wait. He disappears into the kitchen and reappears with a few chocolate bars. “For Jeongin,” he says, holding them out to me.

I shake my head. “I buy him enough,” I shrug. “He doesn’t need more junk.”

“Just take the fucking chocolate,” he insists, rolling his eyes.

“I should tell you, he doesn’t eat anything you send for him,” I confess, taking the chocolates from him. Minho always makes a point of sending stuff for Jeongin. Of course, my fox refuses to eat any of it.

“It’s fine,” Minho shrugs.

 

It’s around 1am when I get back to my house. I clamber through the open window and shut it quietly, hoping not to wake Jeongin. I look over to the bed and I blink. _He isn’t here_. I experience a brief moment of panic as my eyes dart around the room. But I’m surprised and relieved to see him sleeping on the abandoned air mattress in the corner of the room.

I approach the curled up boy and crouch down beside him. His chest heaves up and down, little breaths escaping through his slightly open mouth. He looks angelic. I tug the blanket off my bed to cover him, and a slip of paper falls to the floor.

I look closely and I see that it’s a painting – something he no doubt did in his art class. I smile at it. There’s a house surrounded by lots of flowers, and a sun which kind of looks bigger than the house, and a dog and… us. I know the two stick figures are us because there’s an H and J above them. _This is what he wanted to give me._

 I slip underneath the covers with him, slinging my arm over his waist and drawing him close.

“Innie, I’m sorry,” I whisper.


	6. Present - Jeongin

I feel the sun on my eyelids before I hear my alarm go off. I sit up with a yawn and notice that Hyunjin is already up, a mug of coffee in his hand and his eyes on his phone screen.

“Good morning, baby,” he kisses the side of my head and smiles at me.

I force a smile onto my face, still upset with myself. “Good morning,” I reply, glancing at the clock. Usually, I would be frantically rushing about to get ready, eager to impress… _Chan_. I know his name now. _Chan_. I shake my head slightly, hoping that it would shake away my thoughts. I can’t think about Chan right now. I can’t think about Chan ever.

Today, I make a conscious effort to take my time, not caring that I wouldn’t have time for makeup or to set my hair. I grab an old pair of jeans from the closet and one of Hyunjin’s plain black hoodies. I put on some old sneakers and give myself an unsatisfactory glance. This will do. I’m going to work. I have no intention of dressing up for anyone – especially not a handsome blonde haired doctor.

I take my time with breakfast too, nibbling slowly on my toast and taking small sips of coffee.

“Someone isn’t in a hurry today,” Hyunjin chuckles, leaning against the sink.

I shrug like it’s no big deal. “I just feel like relaxing,” I tell him. 

“That’s alright, Innie,” he leans down and presses his lips onto my head. Like always, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling. “Minho wants me at work early today so I’ll be leaving soon,” he tells me.

I nod and then remember. “Jisung is coming over for dinner today,” I tell him. “Why don’t you invite Minho too?”

He raises an eyebrow. “You sure?”

I know he knows how I feel about Minho. I’m really not fond of him. But Jisung is. “Yeah,” I nod. “I think he and Jisung get along well.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin shrugs. He turns around to go to the bathroom, a towel slung over his shoulder but he turns around again and sits in the chair next to me. “Jeonginnie?”

I look at him with wide eyes, sensing the apprehension in his tone. “Yes?”

He licks his lower lip the way he does when he’s nervous. “Did you drink last night?”

_Shit_. I lower my gaze to the table and see that he’s left his phone unlocked. He doesn’t realize that I can see his texts with Minho on full display.

_**Minho** : _

_ Yesterday was nice. _

_ We should do it more often. _

_**Hyunjin** : _

_ You’re always too busy _

_ I hate distracting you _

_**Minho** : _

_ Never too busy for you Jinnie _

_ You know that _

 

I purse my lips, feeling a surge of anger run through my veins. “Yeah, I had wine,” I snap.

“I don’t have a problem with it,” he says with a frown. “I just worry. You know that, right?”

I take another sip of my coffee so I don’t have to answer straight away. “It was just two glasses of wine,” I mutter. “You don’t have to make me feel guilty about it.”

“Jeongin, I wasn’t trying to do that,” he sighed. “Like, I said, I just worry –"

“Why?” I look at him angrily. “I’m not a child anymore, Hyunjin! I don’t need you to monitor what I eat or drink!”

I push my chair back and grab my satchel.

“Jeongin,” he stands up. “Wait.”

“I’ll talk to you later,” I shake my head and only when I’m out of the apartment do I breathe again. I immediately regret wearing his hoodie. I just want to get away from him right now yet it feels like he’s right here, his scent clinging to me.

I turn onto the street where my store is located and I glance at my watch. It’s 8:35 – perfect, because I won’t see him. So why do I feel a twinge of disappointment?

I don’t even look at the hospital building as I make my way down the street. I unlock the store, my hand feeling strangely weak as I lift the key. I guess I’m just tired. I turn around and my eyes widen – because Chan is sitting on the hood of his car and staring straight at me. _Oh my god – did he actually wait for me?_ He obviously did because he gives me a wave and heart fluttering smile before jumping off the car hood and making his way to the hospital entrance.

I’m not sure what to think. I mean, right now I’m thinking about Chan. But I shouldn’t. I should be thinking about Hyunjin. But no, I don’t want to think about him. I lean onto the counter and ponder – which is worse – _thinking about someone you shouldn’t be thinking about, or forcing yourself to think about someone you don’t want to think about?_

Thoughts of my moral dilemma are interrupted when a ginger haired male comes rushing into the store, the door swinging shut behind him. I realize that I haven’t even switched on the lights yet and I reach for the light switch but he stops me.

“No, no,” he says, his eyes full of panic. I recognize him. He was in here the other day. “Do you umm… do you have like a storeroom or a broom closet or any kind of place I can hide?”

I look at him with suspicion. “Why? Who are you hiding from?”

He bites his lip and stares at the hospital. “My brother. He saw me and I tried to get away. But I think he followed.”

I sigh, amused at his fear. “You know you could just tell him the truth –"

“I can’t!” he says frantically. “Please… just hide me for a few minutes.”

“Alright,” I roll my eyes. “Toilet is in the back room.”

He heaves a sigh of relief and rushes into the room. 

It isn’t long before the door interrupts my thoughts again, and this time I’m stunned by the intrusion. It's Chan. He seems a bit out of breath as though he’d been running, or walking very fast. I can’t imagine a surgeon as proper as him running all the way from inside the hospital into my store.

“Jeongin,” he pants, “you have a good view of the hospital, right?”

I redden slightly at his question, although he couldn’t possibly be aware that I often stare at the hospital hoping to catch a glimpse of him. “Um, I do,” I say, trying to sound nonchalant about it.

“Great,” he says sounding relieved. “Did you happen to see a guy with really brightly coloured ginger hair step out of the hospital?”

My eyes widen as I comprehend the situation. He’s looking for that boy. He must be the brother. I take a brief moment to recollect my thoughts before shaking my head. “I haven’t seen anyone like that,” I lie. The boy genuinely looked terrified at being caught by Chan. And I don’t want him getting caught in my store. If I’m really being honest, the reason I don’t want Chan to find him in my store, is because Chan might think badly of me for harbouring his brother’s secret.

“Oh,” he says with a sigh, his eyes scanning the street outside. “Thank you,” he murmurs. His eyes find mine and the corners of his lips lift into a small smile. “Are you okay? You didn’t seem yourself this morning.”

“I’m fine,” I say quickly. “I just – I have a lot on my mind. But I’m fine.”

He stares at me for a moment as though trying to assess whether I’m lying. Satisfied, he turns to leave but abruptly turns to look at me again. “Do you need a lift home again today? I’ll be happy to –"

“No,” I shake my head. “My boyfriend will pick me up today.” I give him a small apologetic smile, although I don’t know why I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be.

“That’s a shame,” he clicks his tongue and gives me a mischievous look. “What about lunch today? Are you free?”

I sigh. He’s relentless. “I have plans,” I lie. 

He nods and his lips form a small pout, “Okay then.”

I feel regretful as soon as he leaves the store, yet there’s a small voice which tells me that I did the right thing. I just wish that voice could be louder. 

“Is he gone?” the ginger headed male pokes his head around the corner.

“Yeah,” I smile, waving him over. “But… You know you need to tell your brother, right?”

He groans, resting his arms on the counter. “I can’t. Even Binnie doesn’t want me to.”

“Binnie?” I look at him quizzically.

“The guy I’m sort of dating,” he smiles. “The one who works with my brother.”

“Chan isn’t that scary,” I giggle. But I’ve never had parents to keep secrets from. So I guess I don’t really know how scary it must be for him keeping something like that hidden. I look at him sympathetically. “What’s your name?”

“Felix,” he tells me with a sigh. “I’d better go. In case he comes back.” 

I frown as I watch him leave. Maybe if I speak to Chan, he’ll go easier on him. I shake my head at the thought. I can’t interfere in their family matters.

 

The first few stars have just appeared in the sky when I hear the tap on the display window and I know it’s Hyunjin. He’s standing idly outside, his gaze on the street, his hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans. I’m instantly reminded of our argument this morning. It was senseless, really, yet I know neither of us will apologise until the rift gets so big that I’ll eventually give in and be the one to say sorry. I know it because it has happened before.

We fight about stupid things – about whose turn it was to fetch the mail, about whether we should spend the evening watching football or a movie, about whether the front door should be repainted… The list is endless. I always apologise – _always_. I just can’t live with the thought of him being more closed off from me than he usually is. I need him to talk, I need him to smile, I need to hear his laugh, I need to see his eyes crinkle at the corners, I need to see him happy. 

But today, as I lock up and prepare my apology, I glance over my shoulder and see the blonde haired man leaning against his car, his eyes on me are watchful, and filled with… want. His lips part and I can almost feel the breath that he releases.

“We should hurry,” Hyunjin says, interrupting Chan and I from our ritual. “Jisung and Minho are coming over, remember?”

I nod, feeling a surge of irritation, and my apology is forgotten. 

We walk a few feet apart from each other, and the bus ride home is silent. I keep my eyes fixed on the window, and Hyunjin keeps his fixed on his phone. We don’t even talk when we get home. I throw his hoodie onto the bed and get started on dinner while he sits sullenly in his armchair, looking lost in thoughts. I try not to wonder what he's thinking anymore.

_Penny for your thoughts?_ I used to ask him. But he would just shake his head firmly. 

There’s a knock on the door. I hope Jisung arrives before Minho. I don’t think I can handle Minho and Hyunjin being all clingy right now. But my luck wears thin, and it’s Minho at the door. I hear him and Hyunjin laugh at something, and I narrow my eyes, preparing myself to turn around and greet him with a fake smile.

“Hi, Minho,” I say, forcing the smile to stretch across my face.

“Jeongin,” he grins. “It’s been a while.” He approaches me for a hug and I feel my body tense when his arms wrap around me. I’m glad when he lets go. He holds an expensive box of chocolates in front of me. I don’t know why he bothers. I love chocolate. I hate chocolate from him.

“Thank you,” I say blandly, taking the box and setting it down on the kitchen counter. “You can sit with Hyunjin,” I mutter. “Dinner will be done soon.”

He shrugs. “Or I can help you out. What do you need me to do?”

I think about it. At least this will keep him away from Hyunjin. “Chop those vegetables,” I instruct. 

He pulls the sleeves of his denim jacket up and he begins chopping the carrots into neat circles. I can feel Hyunjin’s eyes on us from the couch, but I don’t look up at him. I don’t know why I’m still angry at him. I can’t place my finger on the exact reason. I just know that there’s this ball of anger swirling around inside me, and it’s his fault.

As he chops vegetables, he hands them to me to place in the pot. It isn’t the first time we’ve cooked together. Actually, as much as I hate to admit it, he’s the one who taught me how to cook. Hyunjin doesn’t have a clue how anything in the kitchen works. 

“Everything okay?” Minho asks quietly.

I’m tempted to tell him to mind his own business. “Yeah,” I say. “Fine.”

“Hyunjin seems a bit down,” he says and I hear the concern in his voice. 

That makes me even more irritated. “Then go and ask him why,” I say in an angry whisper.

I hear him sigh. “Okay,” he says, “I won’t interfere.”

“Great,” I snap sarcastically. I’m relieved when Jisung arrives. He greets Hyunjin with a hug before bouncing in my direction and pulling me in for a one armed hug, weary of the knife in my hand. He then, amusingly, notices Minho’s presence and begins giggling nervously.

“H-Hi Minho,” he stutters, looking shyly at the older male.

Minho smiles at him. “Hey… umm… Jisung, right?”

Jisung seems over the moon that Minho remembered his name, having had to remind him what it was the last time they’d met. “Yeah,” he grins. “You remembered.”

I see the dazed look in his eyes and shake my head in amusement. He’s got it bad for Minho. But Minho is still focused on chopping vegetables. I clear my throat. “Minho, I’ll do the rest. Why don’t you and Jisung sit down and catch up?”

Minho looks reluctant, but Jisung’s grin is spread so wide I’d surprised if it doesn’t hurt. “Let’s go,” he says excitedly, nudging Minho who looks at him strangely, but nevertheless follows him.

I watch as Jisung takes a seat on the couch, but Minho places himself on the armrest of Hyunjin’s armchair. I curse under my breath as I take the chicken out of the oven. I’m tempted to serve them burnt food, but I have to think of Jisung too, so I stop myself. 

Our table is small with just four chairs and barely enough space for the chicken and all our plates. I seat myself next to Jisung, Hyunjin opposite me and Minho next to him. Jisung seems jittery having Minho opposite him and stares at the older male as he chews. 

Minho is unfazed and talks to Hyunjin about random things like cars, or gadgets I’ve never heard of. Soon, even Jisung is pulled into the conversation about cats and I’m just about ready to leave them all and go to bed. It’s not like they’d notice anyway. 

“Jeongin?” Minho calls my name and I look up from my plate. “Why aren’t you eating?” he asks.

“I am,” I snap, picking up my fork to stab at a carrot. “You’d notice if you all weren’t so busy talking amongst yourselves.”

There’s a silence at the table, and I’m aware that they’ve all now noticed my sour mood. _Great, now I made everyone uncomfortable_. We finish dinner in silence, no one daring to talk in fear of upsetting me.

When the table is cleared I go to the sink to begin washing dishes, but Jisung pulls me aside. “I have a job to do,” he grins. He holds up the bottle of hair dye and I cringe.

“Are we really doing it?” I ask, uncertainly. 

“Yes,” he says adamantly. 

“You’re dying your hair?” Hyunjin asks.

It’s the first thing he said to me since the morning. I nod. “Yeah, just brown. Nothing dramatic,” I explain, as Jisung pulls me into the bathroom.

“You know you can talk to me if anything is bothering you, right?” Jisung asks, as he smears the dye onto my hair. 

“I know,” I shrug.

He smacks my shoulder. “Don’t move,” he scolds.

“Sorry,” I mutter.

“You and Hyunjin had a fight?” he asks, giving me a knowing look.

“Yeah,” I pout. “It was so stupid…”

“It’ll be fine,” he reassures me. “Hyunjin, loves you a lot, you know. I see it when he looks at you.”

“Really?” I scoff. “He barely looked at me tonight.”

Jisung raises an eyebrow. “Are you serious right now? He’s been looking at you the entire evening, Jeongin.”

“What? He really hasn’t,” I argue, folding my arms.

“I dunno,” Jisung shakes his head. “Maybe _you_ just weren’t looking at him, Innie.”

His comment sends me into silence. And I sit with a mountain of guilt as he washes the dye off.  I look in the mirror and instantly my guilt is replaced with horror. “Oh my god, Jisung, I’m going to kill you!”

He gives me a non-apologetic smile. “I just mixed a little bit of red into it,” he shrugs, “and it looks awesome on you!”

I run my fingers through the wet red strands of hair. “A little bit? Oh my god,” I whisper, never having had such bright hair before. “This is a disaster.”

“It’s sexy,” he disagrees. “Let me dry it and you’ll see.”

It does look better after I dry it. But I’m still shocked by the brightness of it. It’s never a colour I thought of putting on my hair.

Hyunjin and Minho are both surprised when they see it, and I’m glad that it’s a good kind of surprised and not a bad one. 

“It looks amazing,” Hyunjin smiles.

I give him a small smile in return. 

Jisung and Minho decide to leave at the same time. Minho offers Jisung a lift home which I can see he’s ecstatic about, until he remembers he brought his own car. We wave them goodbye and an uncomfortable silence settles on the apartment when they’re gone.

“I’m going to bed,” I say, looking at the clock.

He doesn’t say anything but switches off the TV and follows me into our bedroom. He watches me change into a sleep shirt and I get into bed, aware that he’s still standing in the doorway and looking at me.

I close my eyes and hear him discard his jeans before switching the light off and joining me. Our bodies are centimetres apart yet it feels like we’re separated by an ocean. 

“Innie,” he whispers, trying to close the distance. “I’m sorry.”

I pretend to be asleep.  


	7. Past - Hyunjin

**_January, 2005_ **

“So are you coming to the party or…?” the girl asks, and I remember she’s still standing next to me.

“Maybe,” I shrug and resume staring at the math textbook. It’s getting harder and harder to keep up with school while I’m working for Ty. Minho says it’s best to drop out and I know it is. But I haven’t saved up enough yet. Minho says Ty will take care of Jeongin and I. But I don’t want help from him. I don’t want to owe him more than I already do. 

“So what do you think?” I feel a tug on the bottom of my shirt. My head snaps up and I realize that I zoned out.

“Think about what?” I blink. 

“You haven’t been listening?” she looks at me with a hurt expression. 

I shrug again. “Sorry,” I murmur, beginning to walk away.

I feel her small hand close over my wrist. “Hyunjin,” she whines. “I see how you’ve been looking at me.”

I look at her skeptically.  _ How have I been looking at her? _ Honestly, I’ve had a ton of girls come up to me with that exact line this month.  _ What do they want from me? _

“It’s my birthday tomorrow,” she pouts. “Don’t you want to give me a gift?”

I give her a quick scan. She  _ is _ pretty – long black hair, pretty pink lips, almond shaped eyes. She probably senses my interest, because she steps closer so that my back is pressed against the locker. I feel her hands traveling up my torso, and her breath fanning my lips. This isn’t my first kiss, but just like all the other ones, I feel no excitement.

I don’t know how, but I sense his presence before I actually see him. As I feel her lips move against mine, I open my eyes and there he is. He’s with his group of friends but his eyes are on me. His cheeks flush pink when our eyes meet and he quickly averts his eyes. 

I suddenly feel too stifled. The taste of her strawberry lipbalm is sickly sweet and her perfume is overpowering. She gasps when I push her away.

“Hyunjin,” she looks offended.

“Some other time maybe,” I shake my head. But I know there won’t be another time. I don’t want her. She’s attractive, yet I’m not attracted to her. I know I should be. But I’m not. I’m not attracted to any of these girls, and I can’t understand why. Maybe I just have more important things to think about, like work, school and Jeongin.  _ Jeongin _ .

I leave her standing awkwardly at my locker and I walk across to where he’s listening to one of his friends tell what seems to be an interesting story. There’s silence when I stand next to him and I can see them all visibly tense – even Jeongin. He looks up at me with wide eyes, his lips curved into a nervous smile. It’s unusual. He’s usually relaxed around me. 

“Jeonginnie,” I smile, placing a hand on his shoulder. “What’s your first class?”

“Chemistry,” he says softly, shifting his feet, his eyes downcast. He reaches for a slip of paper in one of his books and hands it to one of his friends. “Want to compare notes?” he asks the male, giving him a smile.

It’s almost like I’m not even here.  _ Why is he being like this? _

“Jeongin,” I say again, and the male who was about to reach for the notes quickly withdraws his hand. “Can we talk for a minute?”

He shakes his head. “Maybe later,” he shrugs. “I umm… We have to compare notes before our class.”

My jaw drops as I see him walk away with his friends.  _ Did I do something wrong? _

 

It’s 10pm and I’ve just finished work. I feel dirty. Minho always lets me use his shower afterwards but still… It’s like the blood is still there even though I can’t see it. Jeongin is still awake, hovering over one of his books. “Had an okay night?” I ask.

He nods without looking up. 

“Did you eat?” I ask, looking in my closet for something to wear to bed.

I turn to look at him and again, he nods without looking up.

It’s getting to me. I have to restrain myself from snapping at him. I pull off a shirt from a hanger which clatters to the bottom of the closet. I see him lift his gaze, his eyes wide. He knows I’m angry.  _ Good _ .

“When will you sleep?” I ask, pulling Minho’s much too big shirt over my head and preparing to slip my own shirt on.

He simply shrugs, his gaze fixed on his book, and then I do snap. “Jeongin! I’m trying to talk to you but you’ve barely said anything to me today! What the hell is your problem?”

He looks at me in surprise and then quickly averts his eyes. I realize that I haven’t put my shirt on yet. He hasn’t had a problem with that before though. I mean we’ve seen each other in much less. We share a room.  _ So why now…? _

I sigh before putting on my shirt. But when I’m done, his books are pushed to the side and he’s already under the covers, only a tuft of his hair visible. I place his books on the desk before switching the lights off. I hesitate before lifting the covers. He’s already in a bad mood. But I’m not sleeping on the floor, so I get in beside him. 

His back is facing me and he’s pressed so close to the wall that it’s almost as if he’s trying to become a part of it.  _ Why is he so far away from me? _

“Jinnie,” he whispers after a few minutes.

“Jeongin?” I lift my head slightly off the pillow, surprised that he’s speaking to me, and hopeful that I’ll at least get a goodnight from him. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea anymore,” he whispers.

I furrow my brows in confusion.  _ What isn’t a good idea? _ I wait for him to elaborate but he doesn’t. “What are you talking about?” I ask, propping myself up on my elbow.

I hear him sigh, and I smile at the thought that his breath would have tickled me if he was facing my direction. 

“We shouldn’t sleep together anymore,” he says softly, and my smile fades.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to react.  _ I don’t know _ . “Innie – I – what…”

He sits up and glances at me. It’s too dark to see him but I can imagine his wide eyes and his lips slightly parted as he tries to organize his words in his head. “I’m going to sleep there,” he says throwing the covers off himself. I know ‘there’ means the mattress on the floor.

“Wait,” I stop him with a hand on his shoulder. “Are you…” It hurts to say the words. “Are you uncomfortable with me, Jeongin?”

He gulps before answering, “Yes.”

“Then stay in bed,” I reply, sliding out. “It’ll be cold down there.”

“But –"

“I said stay, Jeongin,” I snap, grabbing an old blanket from the cupboard and throwing it onto the mattress. I look down at the mattress and realize that I won’t be able to sleep tonight – not due to my lack of a bed, but because I’m… 

I bite my lip.  _ What am I? Angry? Frustrated? No, I’m hurt _ . I almost laugh at that revelation. Not even my parents can make me feel hurt with their harsh words and painful punishments, but this kid just did it.

I put on my shoes and slip on my hoodie.

“Hyunjin, you’re going out?” I hear the worry the in his voice, but I don’t understand why it’s there.  _ He doesn’t feel comfortable with me so why would he worry? _

I ignore him and open the window.

 

Minho isn’t at his apartment but I know where he keeps the spare key. The apartment is quiet. It’s nice. It’s peaceful. I lay down on the couch, resting my head on a cushion, one of my legs thrown over the armrest. 

I hear footsteps outside and soon the living room light is switched on. “Nice of you to drop by… again,” he mutters dryly.

I don’t say anything, but resume staring at the ceiling. 

He throws himself onto the couch opposite mine. “Talk.”

I sit up and think about it. I may as well tell him. 

When I’m done explaining, his face remains impassive. Finally he opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it again. “What?” I ask, annoyed by the lack of response.

“Just… he’s growing up,” Minho shrugs. “So are you.”

“And so?” I shrug. “Why can’t I sleep with him?”

“Well…” Minho’s lips curve into that smirk I hate. “It would be alright for you to sleep with him, if he was your broth –"

“He’s not my brother!” I snap, throwing the cushion at him. 

He catches the cushion with a chuckle. “That’s the problem,” he shrugs.

I blink. “I… don’t understand.”

He groans and slides down until he’s lying on the couch. I can see the wheels turning in his mind. “Hyunjin…” he begins, and then sighs. “Let’s say… Jeongin was dating someone.”

“Let’s say what?” I look at him with wide eyes. “Jeongin? Dating? What?”

“Just  _ imagine _ it,” he rolls his eyes. “Although it could be true…”

I shake my head. That Jeongin could be dating, brings to mind too much.  _ Who would he date? And why would it affect whether we sleep in the same bed? _ “I still don’t understand.”

Minho gives me an exasperated look. “How old are you again?”

“Fifteen,” I shrug.

“Then you’re old enough to know,” he rolls his eyes. “Or maybe Ty’s been keeping you too busy for you to think about that stuff.”

“What stuff?” I look at him in confusion.

“Dating!” he flings the cushion back at me.

“Oh,” I say, keeping the cushion on my lap. “I do think about it. I mean… I do stuff with girls.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Oh? Then surely Jeongin could too?”

“Yeah but so what?” I ask, trying to push away the disturbing images of Jeongin doing anything remotely intimate with a girl.

“Oh I don’t know,” Minho says, his tone sarcastic, “Maybe the person Jeongin is dating wouldn’t want him sleeping with someone else.”

“Ah,” I furrow my brows and frown. “But why would the girl he’s dating mind that he’s sleeping with  _ me _ ?”

He reaches behind him for another cushion and it hits my head with a soft thwack. “Because maybe it’s not a girl!”

My jaw drops at the realization that he might be right. Not a girl… The truth is, I’ve only ever thought of dating girls. It never crossed my mind that Jeongin could – or that  _ I _ could – date…  _ Ugh, I can’t say it… Boys _ ? We can date boys. Okay… That’s…  _ new _ .

“Hyunjin?” Minho sits up and looks at me with a worried expression. “You okay? You look kind of sick.”

“I’m just…” I shake my head. This is about Jeongin. “But… But you don’t think Jeongin is actually dating anyone, right?”

Minho shrugs. “Maybe. Who knows? Maybe he just has a crush on someone, and feels wrong about sleeping with you because of that?”

 

**_Valentine’s Day, 2005_ **

It’s been an entire month of awkwardness, of pretending, of fake smiles and one-word exchanges, too short to be called conversations. He’s right here, yet I miss him. The bus starts moving and I glance at him. His hair grew out again. I want to run my fingers through the raven strands that almost cover his eyes, but I can’t. He’s oblivious to the way I’ve been staring at him. He’s texting someone. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought him a cell phone. 

I take a look at the other students on the bus. They’re all excitedly discussing their plans for today. It’s Valentine’s Day, and it’s a Friday. I wonder if Jeongin… No, he never goes out. I close my eyes and rest my head back against the seat trying to drown out Minho’s words – maybe he has a crush on someone.

I glance at him again.  _ Could he? Have a crush? On a guy? _ I mentally go through a list of his friends – none of them are date-worthy and he doesn’t seem that close with them. To my surprise, a small giggle escapes from his mouth and he whips his head around to peer over the seat. I follow his gaze and see a dark haired boy grinning at him from the back of the bus. 

I recognize him but I don’t know his name. He’s in my year, and that worries me.  _ Has Jeongin been hanging out with older kids _ ?

“Who’s that?” I ask when he turns around again to face the front.

He gives me a sideways glance. “Who’s who?”

I roll my eyes. “You know who I’m talking about, Innie – the guy in the back.”

“He’s in your class, you know,” Jeongin mutters. “You should know his name.” He stares down at his phone screen again.

“I don’t really pay attention to people,” I shrug.

He lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, I know that.”

“Jeongin,” I glare at him.

“Fine,” he groans. “His name is Jisung.”

_ Jisung _ , okay. “So why are you hanging out with older kids?” 

“Does it really matter?” he asks, giving me an annoyed look, before beginning to text again.

I feel a surge of anger and I snatch the phone from him.

“Hey!” he protests, his eyes widening as I look at the screen.

I look at the texts in disbelief.

**_Jisung_ ** **:**

**Hi baby**

**_Jeongin_ ** **:**

**Hi honey**

**_Jisung_ ** **:**

**Why do you always sit so far cutie? :(**

**_Jeongin_ ** **:**

**You’ll see me at lunch :p**

I only get that far before Jeongin snatches his phone back. 

“How can you read my texts?” he asks angrily. He switches the phone off and drops it into his backpack.

“Jeongin, that…” I sigh. I don’t even know what to say. “Is this guy…? Are you… umm…”

“It’s none of your business, Hyunjin,” he snaps as the bus rolls to a stop outside the school entrance. He pauses as kids begin to filter out of the bus. “You always tell people I’m not your brother, so maybe you should stop behaving like I am.” He sighs before adding, "There's nothing going on between Ji and I. We just play around like that."

 

“Hyunjin, you have a job to do,” Minho gives me an exasperated look and gestures to the gun in my hand. “Why are you just sitting around?”

I sigh and rest my head on the table. 

“You’re still thinking about the thing with Jeongin?” he raises his eyebrows. 

I nod. As soon as I left the bus I made my way to the café. I knew he’d be here and I needed his opinion. And now two hours later, I still can’t seem to figure things out. 

“Look, it’s not a big deal,” he shrugs. “I call people ‘baby’ and ‘cutie’ all the time but it means nothing.”

I look at him skeptically.

“Seriously,” he frowns. “I called Jo ‘baby’ this morning. Ask him if you don’t believe me.”

I’m momentarily disturbed by the image of Minho calling the huge bald-headed, bearded man ‘baby’. I shake my head and scowl. “Minho, this is different. What if this Jisung guy is the one that he has a crush on? What if… they’re dating?”

“What if they are?” he shrugs. “Is it a problem?”

“I -…” I bite my lip. “I don’t know.” There’s that smug smile again. “What?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.

“Nothing,” he shakes his head, but his smile grows. “Listen, it’s Valentine’s Day. Why don’t you get Jeongin something?”

I furrow my brows. “Why would I do that? I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. What a waste of time and energy.”

“Just as a peace offering,” he says, sitting down opposite me. “Get him something nice.”

“Like what?” I scowl. “I don’t know anything about Valentine’s Day.”

Minho sighs and shakes his head. “Come on. Let’s go.”

 

There’s so much tension between us that I’m afraid something is going to explode. It didn’t help that he wouldn’t sit next to me on the way home. He sat next to Jisung. 

While he does his homework, I sit on the mattress in the corner of the room and stare at my hands. I don’t know how to do this.

_ Hey, take this. Happy Valentine’s Day. _

_ It’s Valentine’s Day. So take this. _

_ Happy Valentine’s Day. Here’s a gift. _

_ I got you something. Because it’s Valentine’s Day.  _

I’m still figuring out what to say when I see him put his books back in his bag. He stands up and goes to the closet. He pulls out a black shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.

“You’re going out?” I ask, furrowing my brows. “Now?” I check the time and it’s almost 8pm. 

“Yeah,” he says, his back still turned to me. “There’s a party and I’m going with Ji.”

_ With Jisung _ . “Jeongin,” I frown, “you’re only fourteen.”

“And so what?” he shrugs, turning to look at me. “I can’t have fun?”

I take a deep breath, trying to control my temper the way Minho taught me.  _ Just breathe, Hyunjin. _

I reach into my bag and pull out the gift I got him. “I got you something,” I say, standing up. “For Valentine’s Day.”

I hand him the little box and watch his expression carefully as he opens the box. I see his eyes widen. “Hyunjin, this…” He takes out the necklace and lifts it up to see the fox pendant dangling in front of him.

I release my lip from between my teeth and cautiously approach him. “I know it’s not a typical Valentine’s Day gift but…”

“I love it,” he smiles. He’s smiling at me. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that smile. He holds out the necklace to me and it takes me a few seconds to realize he needs help wearing it.

“I’m glad you like it,” I whisper as I close the silver clasp of the necklace around his neck.

He turns around to face me, his brown eyes meeting mine. “I can stay home,” he smiles. “Let’s watch movies?”

We sit on the bed, the laptop propped open in front of us. He’s leaning into me, my arm thrown around his shoulder. It’s been a while since we’ve done this and it feels like such a relief. I’m vaguely aware of the animated characters moving on the screen. Instead, my attention is focused on him. I wonder whether he realizes how perfectly sculpted his features are. I long to trace my fingers along his cheek bones, down to the hollow of his dimpled cheeks, around his pink lips, his slanted eyes. 

He turns to look at me and I redden slightly at being caught staring. I expect him to make some kind of funny remark or joke but he just looks at me. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand why he’s looking at me like he’s expecting something. I search his eyes for an answer but I find none.

“Jeongin, is – is something wrong?” I ask, worried. “Do you need something?”

I’m even more confused when I see the disappointment in his eyes. “No,” he shakes his head and looks back at the screen. 

We’re halfway into the second movie when my phone vibrates with a text. “Shit,” I mutter, jumping off the bed as I read the text.

“You’re leaving?” he asks, and I feel bad when I hear the hurt in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” I sigh, putting on my shoes. “I have to. It’s work.” I watch as he pulls the covers closer around him and stares at the screen again. “I’m sorry,” I apologise again.

“Just go,” he mutters, and I do. I don’t have a choice.

 


	8. Present - Jeongin

Hyunjin isn’t in bed when I wake up. Groggily, I walk around the apartment and realize that he isn’t here. He must have been called in to work. My eyes half-open, I spoon coffee into my mug, only just seeing the note pinned to the fridge.

_Jeonginnie. Happy Valentine’s Day. Let’s have dinner together tonight. I’ll cook for you, okay?_

_I love you,_

_Hyunjin_

 

He remembered Valentine’s Day! A smile finds its way onto my face. He usually forgets and makes up for it afterwards. I don’t mind because I know he isn’t big on celebrations. Coffee forgotten, I walk to my closet where I’ve been stowing away the gift that I have for him. I hope he like it. It’s a bottle of cologne that I made myself. It’s already wrapped up in pink gift paper and secured with a red ribbon. I place it on the dresser so that he sees it when he gets home.

I make an effort to look nice today. It doesn’t matter if it’s just going to be a small dinner at home. I want to look good for him. When he shows up outside the store to pick me up, I want him to be surprised.

I choose one of the new shirts that he bought for me. It’s a silky black longe-sleeved shirt adorned with little white stars. The journey to work is a happy one. Tonight is just what Hyunjin and I need – a nice night to iron out all the creases in our relationship, a night to release all the tension that’s been building. I turn the corner, a smile still on my face. _Tonight will be perf –_

I freeze, because Chan is standing right outside my store. He has his white coat on, his hands in his pockets. He grins when he sees me approaching and I suddenly feel self-conscious. _Is my hair okay? Did my makeup smudge? Is this outfit okay?_

“Hi,” he greets me with a smile.

“Umm, hey,” I look at the ground shyly.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he says so softly that I have to lift my eyes to see if he’s okay. He’s looking at me intently, his jaw slightly lowered. He shakes his head. “Sorry,” he chuckles. “I just… You just look so good.”

“Ah,” I blush, covering my cheeks with my hands, my skin hot. “Thank you,” I murmur, and it comes out in an embarrassing squeak.

“I love the red hair,” he tilts his head, observing my new hair colour. “It suits you.”

“Thank you,” I say again, embarrassed at all the compliments. “I was going for something less bright but…”

He lets out a boyish laugh that makes my heart do weird jump in my chest. “Things don’t always turn out the way we expect them to.” I nod in agreement. “I guess you have plans today, huh?” he asks, a hopeful look in his eyes.

I’m ashamed at how strong the temptation is to say no. “Yes,” I nod, “I have plans.”

He scrunches his nose cutely and looks away to hide his disappointment. “Well,” he sighs, “if by any chance, you need some company…”

I shake my head. “I won’t. I do have plans – with my boyfriend.”

He nods and gives me a tight smile. “Right… Have a good day then,” he waves before turning around and crossing the street.

I groan and rest my head against the glass. _Why do I feel so disappointed in myself? That’s not how this works._

I spend the rest of my working day occupying myself with my flowers and my customers, sneaking looks at the hospital every now and then. I glance at my phone too, expecting Hyunjin to reply to a text I sent not too long ago. It was a short text, asking how his day has been. But he hasn’t replied yet. I try not to let myself worry. He’s probably just having a busy day. But still, he could at least text. Unless something went wrong… I shake my head. I can’t think that way. He’s gone a full day without texting me before.

But I start to panic when the sky darkens and there’s still no reply from him. He’s not even taking my calls. I sigh when I realize that I have no other choice. I dial Minho’s number. He answers on the fourth ring.

“Jeongin, hi,” he says, the surprise evident in his tone.

“Is Hyunjin okay?” I ask. “He hasn’t replied to my texts. He’s not answering his phone.”

“Oh,” I hear the hesitation in Minho’s voice. “He’s alright. There’s just a lot of work. You know I can’t speak about it.”

I sigh in relief. He’s alright then. “Can I speak to him? For a few seconds? Please?” I just want to make sure.

Minho hums. “I dunno. He’s in the middle of something important and –"

“Minho, please,” I beg.

I hear a chair scraping back. “Hold on,” Minho says.

There’s static and then, “Baby?”

“Jinnie,” I smile when I hear his voice. “You’re okay.”

“Yeah, I am,” he reassures me. “I’m sorry. There’s just a lot of stuff for me to do and I couldn’t check my phone.”

“Oh, it’s okay,” I say quickly, not wanting him to feel pressured. “I was just worried. But I’m glad you’re alright.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” he apologises again.

“It’s really okay,” I reassure him. “I’ll see you later, alright?”

There’s a pause and I can already feel my heart sinking.

“Umm… I’ll be out of town until tomorrow morning. Can we move dinner to tomorrow night?” he asks. “I promise I’ll be free.”

I push away the disappointment and force myself to sound nonchalant. “Yeah,” I say, “no problem.”

“I’m sorry, Innie,” he apologises. “I know I’m disappointing you.”

_You are_. “It’s fine,” I say, my voice strained. “I need to go. There’s a customer,” I lie, before cutting the call.

As soon as the call ends I feel tears spilling down my cheeks. I just want everything to be alright again but he doesn’t care and things just keep getting worse.

I don’t know how long it’s been – an hour, maybe two. I’m still crying and that’s surprising, because you’d think my supply of tears would’ve run out by now. I sniffle and wipe my tears on the back of my sleeve, my eyes widening when I hear the door squeak open. _Shit_. It’s passed closing time and here I am sitting on the floor behind the counter.

“Jeongin?” I hear a familiar voice call out.

_Oh no_ . He can’t see me like this. I probably look like I’ve been hit by a tornado. _What do I do?_

“Jeongin, what are you doing down there?”

I tilt my head upwards and see him staring down at me over the counter. “Oh Chan, hello,” I try to sound cheery but to my embarrassment I choke out another sob.

_Stop it. Stop crying in front of him_. I hide my face in my hands, jumping when I feel arms around me.

“It’s okay,” Chan whispers, rubbing my shoulder. “It’s okay now.”

I sniffle and wipe away my tears again, my sleeve wet from all the liquid. “I’m sorry,” I say softly, trying to compose myself.

“You don’t need to apologise,” he shakes his head.

I keep my face turned away from him. He doesn’t need to see this mess. We sit in silence for a minute or two until I hear him sigh, his breath causing a few strands of my hair to move.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently.

I shake my head. How do I tell him my boyfriend stood me up for the seventh time this month?

“That’s okay,” he whispers. “Do you need a lift home?”

I shake my head.

He hums. “Really? It’s 9pm.”

My eyes widen in surprise. “Oh god, I didn’t realize. Am I keeping you from something? I’m sorry.”

“No, no,” he chuckles. “I was just going to ask if you’re hungry. We can get something.”

“That’s not necessary,” I decline his offer. “I’m fine.” And my stomach chooses that moment to grumble loudly.

“I think your stomach disagrees,” he laughs, making me turn red.

“I – I’m such a mess,” I look at him, “I can’t go anywhere like this.”

I flinch when he reaches out, but I allow him to touch my cheeks. He runs his fingers over them and I feel a tingling sensation everywhere he touches. His eyes follow the trail made by his fingers. He pulls away and I see that his fingertips now contain black traces of my makeup.

“You know,” he clears his throat, “it’s Valentine’s Day and we probably won’t find anywhere to eat right now.”

I nod. “I know. I’ll just go home and –"

“You can come to… my place,” he says hesitantly.

_To his place?_ _What is he thinking…_ “No,” I shake my head. ‘I – I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” he asks with his arm still around my shoulders, his fingers playing with the loose material of my shirt.

“Because…” There are a million reasons why I shouldn’t go to his place. _So why can’t I think of any right now?_ “I just can’t,” I say, and I know it’s not convincing.

“Do you have something better waiting at your apartment?” he asks, a slight edge to his voice. “Is there… _someone_ better waiting?”

I turn to look at him and immediately regret doing so because the intensity of his gaze sends a shiver down my spine. “There’s no one waiting for me,” I whisper. “Not tonight.”

 

I can hear my heart beating over the music in his car. It gets louder as we drive further away from the store. I try to push away the thoughts that invade my mind.

_You shouldn’t be doing this._

_He’s a stranger._

_You should go home._

_You should wait for Hyunjin._

_You don’t know this person._

_He’s a good man_ , I remind myself. _He’s a doctor. He heals people. Maybe he can heal my heart._

“Do you have a favourite flower?” he asks, and I’m glad that he’s distracting me from my thoughts. “Since you’re a florist…”

“Ah,” I hum, “I don’t have a favourite. I like them all,” I smile. “Each flower has its own distinct shape and scent. Every petal is unique – that’s what I love the most about flowers.”

“It’s great that you get to work with them,” he smiled back at me. “I always believe that you should do what you love.”

I nod in agreement. “And are _you_ doing what you love?” I ask him, finally feeling bold enough.

Chan chuckles before answering. “I’d never do something I don’t love. I’ve always done what I wanted to do.”

“That’s a bit dangerous,” I shrug. “Doing something regardless of the consequences…”

“Nonsense,” Chan shakes his head. “If you’re enjoying yourself in the moment, why worry about the consequences?”

“It’s not that simple,” I sigh. I wish it was.

“It’s as complicated as you make it,” Chan gives me a wry smile in response.

I’m about to argue when I realize that we’re now quite far out from the inner city. “You live so far away,” I stare in awe at the hills and dense forestation that surrounds us as we drive along the road. Only two other cars are on the road with us. It obviously isn’t a road often travelled on.

Chan nods. “I prefer the peacefulness of the countryside. I feel like I can breathe here.”

“I know what you mean,” I agree with him. “The city can get stifling.” I look out of the window and I can count on one hand the number of houses we’ve passed – just two. And they’re quite a distance from each other. These people value their privacy. It’s quite a luxury if you’re from the city.

Chan turns the car onto a winding uphill road. “My house is just up here,” he explains, pointing ahead.

“Wow,” I whisper as the house comes into sight. “That – that whole house is yours?”

“It’s smaller once you’re actually inside,” he laughs. “I completed my residency and moved here straight afterwards. It’s a bit of a long drive to the hospital but it’s worth it.”

We enter through an iron gate that slides open, closing with a clang once we’d entered. The house looks like one you see in old movies. The outside is worn yet timeless. The yard is neat but the lack of plants irks me.

Chan drives the car into the garage, the door automatically closing behind us. I briefly wondered how we’re going to get out when I spot a door nearby. I look around and realize that the garage is incredibly neat. Clear plastic boxes line the shelves, and I can smell fresh paint as though the white walls have just been painted. When I look closely I can see light blue stars painted along the edges of the walls. How incredibly elaborate for a garage. I wonder if he painted them himself.

My thoughts are interrupted when Chan opens my door for me, inviting me to step out of the car. I follow him to the door which he unlocks with a key and it reveals a well-lit staircase taking us up into the house.

The staircase opens into a foyer. I notice straightaway that the inside of the house is extremely modern in comparison to the classic old exterior. The floors and walls are all polished black marble. The only colour was given by the grey leather couches and matching grey carpets. I can’t help but think that there’s something missing.

Chan flicks a switch on the wall that I’ve only just noticed and the space is illuminated by a gentle light. He flicks another switch and to my relief it starts getting warmer.

“It should be really warm in a few minutes,” he smiles at me. “It can get pretty cold up here.”

“No kidding,” I murmur, rubbing my arms.

“There’s a bathroom down that hallway,” he points to a hallway across the room. “You can freshen up and I’ll be here when you’re done, okay?”

I nod “Thank you.”

I look in the mirror and I’m horrified at the image that stares back at me. My eyeliner left streaks of black on my blotchy red cheeks and my hair is sticking up in odd angles. “Jesus,” I mutter. “How embarrassing…”

I set to work washing off the messed up makeup and wonder whether I should apply more. Just a little…

When I’m satisfied with my appearance I make my way back to the living room. Chan isn’t here but I hear the familiar whirring sound of a food processor. I follow the sound and enter the huge kitchen. It’s filled with appliances I’ve never seen before. Chan is cutting up vegetables and I can see that he knows his way around the kitchen.

He looks up and grins. “Welcome to Chan’s kitchen,” he says, with an exaggerated gesture to the space around him.

“Thanks,” I giggle. “Can I help with anything?”

“Nah,” he shakes his head. “Just sit and talk to me.”

I do as he says, making myself comfortable on a stool opposite him. “Are you sure I can’t help?”

“I’m sure,” he sighs. “Let me cook today. And maybe… you can cook another time?”

I nod and bite my lower lip, aware of the implications behind his words.

“Any allergies?” he asks, pausing in the midst of throwing vegetables into a pot.

“None,” I tell him, and I smile when I see his shoulders relax.

“Great,” he smiles as he carries on cooking. “My brother has a slight allergy to shellfish.”

“Is he here?” I ask. I’d completely forgotten that he had a brother.

He shakes his head. “He’s gone out. He won’t be home for the rest of the weekend.”

I smile to myself, knowing that he’s probably out with his secret boyfriend. Again, I consider telling Chan but decide against it.

Chan asks me lots of questions – about things that I like, things that I don’t like, things that interest me. There’s a strange sense of satisfaction at having someone be so interested in me and my personality. It feels strange talking about myself because it’s not something I get to do often.

Chan is patient. Even when I hesitate before answering, or give simple answers, he doesn’t push me for more. When I zone out, he leaves me with my thoughts, and when I talk, he listens. It’s so comforting.

Before I know it, dinner is ready. “Should we eat here?” Chan asks. “We could use the dining room but it’s a bit big for just us.”

“Oh here isn’t a problem,” I reassure him. I look at the food he prepared and I’m pleasantly surprised. “This looks amazing. Thank you, Chan.”

He pours white wine into glasses and pushes one towards me. “I suppose I should say this dinner is my Valentine’s gift if it’s not too late,” he chuckles.

I laugh and glance at the clock – it’s nearly 11pm. “Not too late,” I giggle. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

We eat in a comfortable silence, and I can’t help the pink flush that enters my cheeks every time he looks at me. “You’re pretty when you blush,” he teases and of course, I blush even more.

“Actually,” he says, reaching out his hand, “you’re always pretty, Jeongin.” He runs his fingers down my left cheek and I close my eyes, tilting my head into his hand. His touch ignites something in me – a greed for more.

I open my eyes when I feel him remove his hand, but I feel a jolt of anticipation when I see him stand up and walk to me. I look up at him and he places his hands on my cheeks. He leans down and presses his lips to mine.

They feel rough as they envelope mine, and I feel his tongue flicking over my bottom lip. I offer no resistance as my lips eagerly part for him. I clutch his shirt when the heat from his mouth warms my entire body. I moan on his tongue which caresses mine and his fingers tangle themselves in my hair. His grip on my locks tightens when I stand and place my arms around his neck. Our kiss soon turns into a wild frenzy. Our teeth gnash, like animals that have been starving. And maybe we have been.

He presses a hand against my back, pulling my body against his. We need to pull apart for air but neither of us is willing. Our need for each other is more desperate than the need to breathe and only when I let out a strangled moan does he pull back. Even then, I don’t want his lips to leave mine and I clench his lower lip between my teeth. Reluctantly, I release his lip. He releases his grip on my hair, and both his arms wrap around my body. I rest my head against his chest and through the thin material of his shirt, I can hear the steady beat of his heart.

“It’s late,” I whisper, “I should go.” But there’s no determination in my words. They’re just a weak automatic defence.

I feel him nuzzle into my neck, before his lips press onto my skin, sending a tingle down my spine. “Don’t go, Jeongin,” he whispers. I feel his lips on my skin again, and again, and soon I’m moaning because he’s sucking on my neck and it feels _so so_ good. I feel a slight burn as his mouth moves along to a new spot, and it almost distracts me from his fingers which are fidgeting with my shirt buttons, opening them one by one.

 

His image becomes a blur as I’m suddenly overtaken with exhaustion. I try to fight the sleep but it weighs my eyelids down and soon I can’t open them at all. Even when I’m telling myself not to fall asleep, my body won’t listen. The bed feels so comfortable. Chan feels so comfortable, I don’t want to go anywhere. I should just stay a little longer. _Just a little longer…_

 

 

 


	9. Past - Hyunjin

**_April, 2006_ **

“I’m barely scraping passes in all my subjects,” I complain to Minho. “I can’t keep this up.”

“And I keep telling you,” Minho huffs, “that Ty will get you an apartment if you ask him for one. You can just drop out of school.”

“I don’t want anything from him,” I shake my head at the suggestion. “I work for him but that’s it.”

“Think of it as an employee benefit,” Minho shrugs.

“Nope,” I say, sitting down with my head resting on my hands. “I don’t want any favours from him.”

After a minute or so I look up at Minho to see why he isn’t talking. He looks deep in thought, his lower lip clenched between his teeth. “What’s up?” I ask out of curiosity.

“What if I move out of my apartment?” he asks, breaking out into a grin.

“Umm…” I raise my eyebrows. “Then you’ll be homeless?”

“No, you idiot,” he rolls his eyes. “I can get a bigger apartment. We can share the rent.”

My eyes light up at that. “That’s a really good idea,” I say excitedly. But then… “We can’t,” I shake my head. “It’s easy for me to leave home. But Jeongin? What happens when social services want to check in with him?”

Minho sighs. “Look, I know you don’t want Ty to help you. But let him take care of that. He knows people, Hyunjin. No one will ask questions about Jeongin if he doesn’t want them to.”

I tap my fingers on the table as I think about it. Just one favour from Ty won’t hurt. “Okay.”

“How much are you earning now?” Minho frowns. “Five, six thousand?”

“Five,” I reply with a disappointed sigh. It’s been difficult doing jobs for Ty and going to school. Honestly, anyone my age would be delighted with that amount of money, but I have plans. 

“Okay,” he nods. “I’ll look for something we can both afford.”

He says it like it’s easy but I know that it’ll be difficult. Minho probably earns way more than I do. It’ll suck if he has to live in a shabby place because of me, especially when he has such a nice place right now.

“One more thing,” Minho says hesitantly. “Should I look for a two bedroom or a three bedroom?”

 

I ponder the answer to Minho’s question as I walk home.  _ How would Jeongin feel about moving in with Minho? _ Deep down I know the answer to that question. But we can’t continue living here much longer. I’ve taken the blame for his mistakes one too many times, and honestly I don’t mind. I’d go through a million beatings just for him. But I can’t always be around when he does something to make them angry. So far he’s been lucky, but how much longer? I don’t want him to live under that constant threat, and I don’t want to live with the constant fear that they’re going to hurt him when I’m not around.

There’s no doubt that I can convince him that we should move in with Minho. I know how he feels when they punish me and I know he’ll do anything to stop that from happening. But Minho’s question…  _ two bedrooms or three bedrooms?  _

Things between Jeongin and I have been…  _ better _ ? No not better, just  _ different _ . A year ago we were fighting over stupid things, making unnecessary demands from each other…

_ Don’t go out, Hyunjin _

_ Jeongin, I don’t like who you’re talking to _

_ Can’t you pay attention to me, Hyunjin? _

_ Jeongin, you spend too much time away from home _

We were so childish. But we’ve learned not to meddle in each other’s lives. We co-exist peacefully in our small bedroom. And yeah, it hurts me that we’ve lost that closeness we had when he first got here. Somehow there’s a wall that’s grown between us, and while that barrier keeps us from getting closer, we find ourselves toeing the line, inching closer but not close enough, drifting further but not far enough. 

Every time we talk to each other and spend time with each other it’s as though we’re talking to each other from opposite sides of a wall. We can hear each other but we can’t really know what the other is thinking. There’s this longing inside me to break down that wall, to look for a crack somewhere, but I’m reluctant to give in to that longing. Because I’m afraid of what will happen when that wall finally crumbles. What will happen to us? What will I find on the other side of the wall?

“Hey, Innie,” I greet him as I clamber through the window, shutting it once I’m inside. He gives me a smile and a wave because he’s on the phone with someone. I wonder if it’s Jisung. He and Jeongin are always calling each other to talk about pointless things. I’ve come to the realization that they aren’t dating. I know this because Jisung has probably dated about ten other people in the span of six months. News travels around school. It just annoys me that Jeongin hangs out with him. I don’t want him being a bad influence. Of course, I don’t tell that to Jeongin. It’s none of my business.

I wait patiently on the mattress in the corner while Jeongin finishes his phone call. “Can we talk about something?” I ask.

He looks at me with wide, worried eyes. “Did I do someth –"

“No, no,” I reassure him and he relaxes. I spend a few minutes going over what I discussed with Minho and when I’m done I can see the displeasure on his face. 

“I guess  _ if we have to _ , it’s fine,” he mutters, shrugging his shoulders, a small pout forming on his lips.

“So uh… do you want your own bedroom?” I ask, hoping he’d say no. I mean, I don’t want an actual physical wall separating us.

“I’ll share with you,” he decides after a few seconds, and I’m momentarily relieved that he too doesn’t want to be separated. But my relief fades when he adds, “When I finish school we can move into a bigger place where I’ll have my own room. And I’ll be able to pay for it then.”

_ So now he has a problem using my money? Wow. _ I reach into my closet to look for something to sleep in. But it’s just an excuse to hide the disappointment on my face. “I’ll let Minho know he can look for a two bedroom apartment,” I say, my back turned to him. 

“Coo –…”

I turn around to see why his words had been cut off midsentence but he’s just gaping at me. I see colour creep into his cheeks and he averts his eyes. “Um, cool,” he finishes, his voice soft as he stares at the wall.

“Is something wrong?” I raise an eyebrow at his strange behaviour.

He lets out a nervous laugh and begins scrolling through his phone. “You’re just very… muscular.”

Oh. I look down at my bare torso and shrug. “Yeah, I’ve been working out with Minho.”

“You look good,” he mutters, seeming engrossed in his phone.

“Thanks,” I smile at being complimented by him. Have I… impressed him? The thought that he might be impressed fills me with a satisfaction that I don’t really understand.

I feel tempted to show off a bit more now. I take my time looking for something to wear even though any old t-shirt would have done the job. Finally, I pull one off a hanger and turn around, thinking about how to draw his attention again. “Innie?”

“Yep?” he asks, tapping ferociously on his phone screen. He’s in the midst of some game. But I want him to look at me.

“How’s school?” I ask, and I want to kick myself because I sound like a parent. Then it strikes me – I don’t know how to have a friendly conversation with him. What does he talk to his friends about?

“School’s fine,” he shrugs, still not looking up.

Look at me dammit – I have muscles.

“Did you watch any good movies lately?” I ask.  _ That’s a friendly question, right? _

He shakes his head. “Nope.” He’s now tapping the screen with such an intensity that I’m afraid it might shatter.

I clear my throat. “What about music? Any song recommendations?”

“Nah,” he shakes his head again, his eyes narrowed at the screen.

“Jeongin, just  _ look _ at me,” I whine in exasperation.

“No,” he shakes his head adamantly. “I’m busy.”

I sigh, giving up and throwing myself down on the mattress. I don’t even know why I want to impress him. He’s just… Jeongin. 

 

**_July, 2006_ **

“Do you like it?” Minho asks as I follow him from room to room, getting a feel for the apartment we’ll soon be living in. 

“It’s perfect,” I reply with a smile. I look at Jeongin. He’s hanging back in the living room, his tongue sliding over his new braces. “Give me a minute,” I mutter to Minho.

“What do you think?” I ask Jeongin, watching his face for a reaction.

“It’s nice,” he admits, looking around. “Better than where we live now. But…”

“What is it?” I ask, aware of his hesitation. 

“How can we do this?” he shrugs, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I mean… you’re sixteen, I’m fifteen. How can we just… move out? How can we do this on our own? The thought is scary, Hyunjin. It’s adult stuff. And we’re not adults,” he sighs, and I’m glad he’s finally letting out all his reservations. “What if it’s a mistake?” he continues. “What if we have to go back to your parents and they don’t want us anymore? What if everything goes wrong?”

“I understand that it’s scary,” I reassure him. “But Innie, I promise I’m not going to let anything bad happen to us. I can’t keep that promise while we’re living with my parents. But here, on our own, I can take care of you. And we’re not completely alone,” I gesture to where Minho stands in the archway connecting the living room to the hallway. “Look, I know it’s a big step,” I place my hand on his shoulder, and look into his anxious brown eyes. “But it’s the right step. Trust me.”

“I do,” he gives me a bright smile. “I trust you.” He turns on the spot, taking another look at our surroundings. “Can you really afford this?” he asks with wide eyes.

“I’ve saved up quite a lot,” I nod. “And I’m earning well. And I’ll be earning more once I drop out of school.”

I see the question in his eyes, but I shake my head – a warning that it’s not a question I can answer. I’ve told him countless times that I can’t talk to him about the work I do for Ty. I know that he knows deep down that what I do is bad, but I also know that he can never imagine the extent of what I do. And I don’t plan on telling him – ever. It’s a world I want to keep him separate from.

 

**_August, 2006_ **

“Is Jeongin still in school?” Minho asked as we walk down the street to my house. I shiver at the thought that it isn’t going to be ‘my house’ for much longer.

“Yeah,” I nod. “I don’t want him seeing this.” I pause when we reach the gate and Minho senses my hesitation because he slings an arm around my shoulders.

“It’s going to be fine,” he reassures me. “You can do this. You have to.”

“It’s just…” I sigh. “These people have terrorised me since I was a kid. They’ve never been parents. I’m so used to them talking down to me, punishing me, using me as a punching bag. I’ve lived in fear of them. So facing them like this…”

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Hyunjin,” Minho says firmly, pushing the gate open.

They’re both watching TV when we walk in. The strong smell of cheap alcohol wafts under my nostrils, making my stomach clench. Neither of them bother looking in my direction.

I take a deep breath. “I’m moving out.” I cringe at how weak my voice sounds.

Both heads turn at once and my father is the first to burst into laughter followed by my mother. They notice Minho standing beside me and I can see the surprise on their faces. I’ve never brought anyone home before.

“I said I’m moving out,” I repeat, this time more firmly. “With Jeongin.” I’m glad that our stuff is already in the new apartment. It’s taken a month but we’ve slowly been moving our stuff out of here.

“What a joke,” my mother scoffs, standing up. “You’re how old? Fifteen? Sixteen? You’re a child!”

“And who is  _ this _ ?” my father gestures to Minho. “I don’t recall giving you permission to –"

He stops and takes a step back when he sees the gun Minho’s been lazily holding.

“Yeah, I’d shut up if I were you,” Minho smiles. “Now, Hyunjin is just here to say goodbye. So say goodbye to him and we’ll be on our way.”

“You can’t just do that,” my mother spits at us. “I’ll call the police.”

“The police?” I glare at her. “No, why don’t  _ I  _ call the police? I’m sure you’d love to explain all the scars on my body.”

My mother’s eyes widen at the realization that she could be in real trouble if I choose to make that phone call. 

“What do you want?” my father comes to the same realization and now looks afraid.

“Just let me go,” I shrug. “Let us go. Jeongin and I.”

 


	10. Present - Jeongin

_ Where am I? This isn’t my – _

_ No. _

_ What did I do? _

_ No no no. _

_ I didn’t mean to, Hyunjin. _

_ Hyunjin. _

_ I’m sorry. _

“Shit, shit, shit,” I mutter as I scramble to get my phone out of my jeans which lies discarded on the floor. I glance at Chan who’s still naked and asleep on the bed. I didn’t plan on this. My phone screen lights up and I cringe at the numbers displayed – 4:12. There aren’t any messages or calls from Hyunjin which is a good sign. He probably isn’t home yet. But I need to hurry. I need to get back soon.

Quickly, I pull on my jeans, recalling that I left my shirt in the kitchen. I walk to the door, giving Chan one last glance before leaving. I stand out in the cold hallway and try to call a cab but the call won’t connect. The signal up here isn’t good – actually, it’s non-existent. 

My phone tells me that there’s a Wi-Fi network in the house. But I don’t know the password. Wonderful. I consider waking Chan up but I can’t. How do I face him? I feel… I feel like a… like a... What kind of person does this? What kind of person am I?

Maybe there’s a telephone? I bite my lip and look up and down the hallway. I should check downstairs first.

The first thing I do is go into the kitchen to retrieve my shirt. I pause as soon as I enter. The kitchen smells like coffee. But Chan is asleep, so who…? I look around and realize that everything from last night has been cleaned up. Maybe Chan woke up earlier and then came back to bed. But I’m doubtful about that. 

I look around the ground floor of the house and I can see one other door besides the one that leads to the garage and the one that leads to the bathroom. I turn the handle but it won’t budge. A cold draft pushes in from under the door and I realize that it must be the basement door. I doubt I’ll find a telephone there.

My best hope is that there’s some kind of office upstairs. I make my way back up and walk tentatively down the hallway. I find two bathrooms, a spare bedroom and… another locked door. It’s probably a room he doesn’t use. 

_ No. _

_ I hear something. _

I press my ear to the door. It’s a light scratching noise – pencil moving against paper.

I’m briefly taken aback by the thought that there’s someone in the house, but then I remember Felix.  _ No _ . Chan said he was gone for the weekend. Did he decide to come back early? He must have come back while we were asleep. Great, he can give me the Wi-Fi password.

I knock softly on the door and the scratching immediately stops, but the door remains closed. I knock again. “Felix?”

Silence.

“Felix, it’s Jeongin. Umm… the florist. Can you help me with something?” I ask.

More silence.  _ How strange _ . I bend down, peering through the key hole, but I see only darkness. Maybe I’m just hearing things.

“Jeongin?”

I jump in fright and turn around to see Chan walking towards me. “Oh, you scared me,” I breathe.  He’s still bare bodied and despite whatever we’ve done last night I feel embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he smiles apologetically. “What are you doing here?” he asks, looking at the closed door.

“Oh umm… I heard something,” I shake my head. “I think my mind is playing tricks on me.”

He chuckles. “It’s probably just the wind coming in from an open window.”

I nod in agreement and stand awkwardly in front of him. How do I tell him I need to leave?

“Umm…”

“You want to leave?” he asks, and I’m surprised at the accuracy of his guess. 

I nod, my eyes downcast. “I need to get home. My boyfriend…”

He nods. “Okay, I’ll drive you.”

“No no,” I shake my head quickly. “You can just call me a cab.”

“A cab?” he looks at me skeptically. “You’re not going to get a cab from here. You’ll have to walk a few kilometres first.”

_ Shit _ .

“It’s fine,” he smiles. “I’ll drive you.”

I don’t have a choice. 

We drive back into the city silently. Part of me longs to hear his voice, but another part of me is afraid of what he’ll say. I can think of a million derogatory names to call myself and I’d deserve every single one of them. 

I try to reason with the part of myself that wants to blame Hyunjin for this mess.

_ Hyunjin neglects me _ .

I demand too much from Hyunjin.

_ Hyunjin doesn’t give me the affection I need _ .

I need to be more patient with Hyunjin.

_ Things with Hyunjin aren’t the same. _

He still loves me and I still love him.

_ But is that enough? _

Yes it is. It has to be. 

“Jeongin,” Chan places a hand on my knee as he drives. “Don’t cry, baby.”

"Cry? I’m n-not –"

But I am. Only now, I realize that there are hot tears pouring down my cheeks. I choke out a sob. “Chan w-what we did was wrong.”

“No,” he disagrees, his eyes on the road. “How can it be wrong if it felt so right, Jeongin? Or did you not enjoy last night?”

“It’s wrong because I have a boyfriend,” I say through my tears, and saying it aloud just makes me sob harder. 

I start to panic when I see my building looming up ahead. Chan pulls over to the side. He places a hand on my wet cheek and turns my head to face him.

“I loved every second with you,” he smiles at me. “But I’m not going to ask you to break up with your boyfriend, Jeongin.”

My eyes widen at the thought. Break up with Hyunjin? No. Never. I could never.  _ My Hyunjin. I love him. _

“But,” Chan sighs, “I am going to ask you to give me a chance to prove myself.” He strokes my cheek with his thumb. “Let me show you that I can take care of you.”

I shake my head. “Chan…”

“Please,” he implores, his eyes reflecting his desperation. “Please, Jeongin.”

And I can’t stand to see it – this wonderful man  _ begging me _ for a chance to prove himself. If anything, I should be the one proving myself to him. The look in his eyes tugs on my heartstrings and I nod. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” he breathes a sigh of relief and leans forward, resting his forehead against mine. In the darkness of the car, our lips find each other, and we pull apart despite our yearning for more. 

I’m in a daze as I make my way up to the apartment.  _ What did I just agree to? _

The hot water burns my skin and I scrub frantically at the marks that cover my body. Why did I let this happen? If Hyunjin sees…

Despite the rawness of my skin, the marks won’t go away and I know that they’re going to take days. I quickly dry myself with a towel and dig in my bag for a bottle of concealer. I use almost the entire bottle trying to cover up the marks on my neck and shoulders. The others will just have to stay covered by my clothes. I don’t know if I’m covering them right. I’ve never had to hide them before, because the only person who’s ever marked me is Hyunjin. And I don’t hide things from him. I correct myself. I never used to hide things from him. 

I hear the front door creak open and I feel a surge of panic. Hyunjin. I dive into bed, haphazardly throwing the covers over myself. I hear his footsteps and the tired notes in his breathing. Our room door opens and I feel a dip in the bed. The ends of his bangs touch my cheek and I can feel him hovering over me. I feel his lips on my hair, and then my cheek and then the corner of my lips. My anxiety begins to build. The moment his lips touch my neck he’s going to know it’s covered with makeup. I open my eyes and pretend to be awoken. 

“You’re back,” I say, hoping my voice doesn’t sound too alert.

He nods, his eyes searching mine for the anger he thought he’d find. But I hope he doesn’t see the guilt in them instead. I close my eyes briefly, trying to conjure up the emotions he was expecting. He postponed another date because of his job. He left me alone on Valentine’s Day.  _ Yes, I should be angry _ . I need to be angry so he doesn’t see the guilt.

I push him off me. “Don’t touch me,” I scoff.

“Innie, love, I’m sorry,” he apologises, propping himself up on an elbow. “We had to leave the city suddenly. Things got so busy. I swear I wanted to be here with you.”

“But you weren’t here with me,” I turn my back on him. “Again.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” I hear the exhaustion in his voice and I know that if I have to look at him, I’ll cave in.

“Just leave me alone,” I murmur. “I don’t want to speak to you right now.”

“Jeongin, I’m sorry,” he whispers, his hand sliding under my shirt and around my waist. 

I clutch his wrist and push his hand away. “Don’t touch me. Go back to your friends. Or whoever you were with last night.”

“I…” he sighs. “You know it’s not like that, baby,” he explains. “I had to work. It’s not like I was having fun.”

“Just go away, Hyunjin,” I warn. 

I feel relieved when he listens.

 

I lie in bed for a few more hours, unable to fall asleep. I turn my head, and there on nightstand is a framed photo of Hyunjin and I. It was his birthday. We had a picnic at the beach. It was my idea. In this photo he’s giggling because I kept pressing the wrong button on my cell phone. It took around ten minutes to get one good photo, mostly because he kept kissing me. I have a huge grin on my face. It was a few weeks after I’d taken out my braces. He kept teasing me about showing my teeth in every photo I’d taken after my braces were removed. I chuckle at the memory and then feel the sudden urge to throw up.

A seed of guilt has been planted in the pit of my stomach. As I think back to my night with Chan, that seed blooms into an ugly black flower. Its thorns creep inside me and pierce my insides – a painful reminder of the sins I’ve committed. My body begins to shake as tears well up in my eyes. Soon I’m sobbing into my pillow, my teeth clamped around my wrist to muffle my cries. 

When I’m dressed for work, I head out into the living room and I feel yet another pang of guilt when I see him asleep on the couch. One sneaker lies on the floor, while the other hangs off his foot, making me think that he probably fell asleep before he could even remove it properly. He’s that tired? 

I perch on the armrest and pull off his shoe, placing it on the floor. I reach over and place a cushion under his head. I know he feels hot and if I cover him with a blanket he’ll probably kick it off straight away, so I leave him as is. I glance at the clock on the wall and I’m surprised to see that it’s stopped ticking. When did that happen? I need to remember to get more batteries. My phone screen tells me that it’s much too early to head to work, but I feel so stifled in here. I need to get out.

I take a slow walk to the bus station, trying to take in as much fresh air as possible. Only when I see the group of men huddled on the street corner, do I speed up. I hope there are other people waiting for the bus, but of course, it’s just me. I take a seat on the bench, keeping an eye on the group. It’s not long before they notice me. 

I see it in their eyes – they’re looking for trouble. A burly looking male begins to approach first, and I turn my head to face him, letting him have a good look at my face. And it works, because he stops in his tracks, gives me a little bow and hurries back to his friends. I turn away and hear their hushed whispers. I hear Hyunjin’s name being mentioned and see a few fearful looks thrown my way before they depart. I smile to myself. Even when he’s not here, Hyunjin is keeping me safe. 

I get onto the first bus that arrives and soon I’m walking down the street to my store. I can’t help the excitement I feel even though I know it’s much too early for Chan to be at the hospital. I’m about to unlock the door when I get a crazy idea. I look at the hospital and bite my lip. I’m curious. That’s all.

I hate the smell of the hospital. I’ve only ever been for a check-up once and it was the smell that nauseated me the most. Honestly, it wasn’t a bad smell. It’s just that it smells too clean – unnaturally clean. I read the hospital map attached to the wall in the lobby and I scan the list of doctors.

I step in the elevator and smile mischievously as I make my way to the sixth floor. It takes longer than I expect because of the nurses constantly getting in and off. Finally, the number six lights up and I’m on the sixth floor. To my surprise, the elevator opens into what looks like another lobby. It’s only then that I realize he has the entire sixth floor to himself. Through huge glass doors I see an empty secretary’s desk and snowy white couches. The walls are painted a light blue. So different from his home…

I turn the handle but of course it’s locked. At least I got to see where he works… I turn around to leave and almost bump into a raven haired woman. 

“Hi,” she smiles. “It’s a bit early but are you here for an appointment?”

I shake my head quickly. “Oh um, no, I um…”

“Would you like an appointment then?” she asks, as she turns the key in the lock.

“Oh no no,” I say, feeling incredibly embarrassed. “I was just leaving.” I turn around and then I do bump into someone.

“Jeongin,” Chan grins at me. “What are you doing here?”

I glance at the secretary who gives us a curious look before going to her desk. “I just umm…”

“Wanted to see me?” he asks, his lips quirking up at the corners.

“Wanted to see where you work,” I correct him, my cheeks heating up.

I look up at him when he chuckles. “Come on then,” he smiles. “I’ll show you.”

“Really?” I look at him in excitement.

He nods and gestures for me to follow. “Don’t disturb me unless it’s important,” he gives the secretary firm instructions before opening his office door. It’s actually a relief that it doesn’t smell like the rest of the hospital. In fact, it smells rather pleasant. Incense maybe?

There’s a beautiful painting of the ocean on the wall just above his desk. There’s a small bed where he probably examines his patients. I only just remember that he’s a surgeon so he’s probably in the operating room a lot. My eyes widen in awe as I take in the vast amount of certificates plastered to the wall. “What are all these?” I ask.

He sits on his desk and loosens his tie as he follows my gaze. “Ah those,” he sighs. “Certificates of appreciation, awards… Nothing important, really.” But despite his attempt to wave off his achievements I can tell that they’re important.

“You look so pretty,” I hear him whisper in my ear, before his hand creeps around my waist pulling me against him. I trace my fingers along his arm and turn my head to the side to look at him. “Why are you covering your neck?” he pouts, tugging at the high collar of my brown sweater.

“Your fault,” I tease. “You left traces of yourself all over my body.”

“Good,” he whispers and I don’t fail to catch the mischievous glint in his eyes. “You didn’t go easy on me either, you know,” he tells me, and tugs on the collar of his shirt to reveal the bruises along his collar bone.

I smile smugly. I’m filled with a sense of accomplishment at being able to leave my mark on him. Those bruises will tell anyone who lays eyes on them that this amazing man is taken – by me, Jeongin. I lean down and place my lips over each mark, as though sealing them into his skin. When I lay my head against his chest, he presses his lips against my hair. 

His heartbeat is steadily rising, getting louder and louder. He wraps his arms around me and I sigh in contentment. “I like the sound of your heartbeat,” I tell him. “It’s so loud, almost like it’s shouting,” I giggle. 

“Really?” he asks with a chuckle. “What’s it saying?”

“It’s telling me that I should go to open my store soon,” I laugh. He groans and I pull back to smile at him. “I really do have to go,” I shrug.

“Fine,” he relents. “But can we go out for lunch at least?” 

“Of course,” I nod with a smile. 

“Thank you,” he replies, leaning forward and pressing his lips against mine.

Ah, vanilla. He tastes like sweet vanilla. I wrap my arms around his neck, my fingers tangling themselves in his blonde locks. I soon feel myself being pressed against the wall. And as soon as his hands begin traveling under my sweater, I place my hands on his chest. “Chan, I need to go,” I giggle when he nuzzles my neck. 

He spends a few more seconds giving me ticklish kisses before I manage to free myself from his mouth. “I’ll see you at lunch,” I blow him a kiss, stepping backwards so I’m out of his reach.

“At least let me walk you to the store,” he pouts. “Please?”

“Fine,” I give in, unlocking the door and gesturing for him to follow.

The secretary gives us a curious look as we leave, and it annoys me. This is none of her business. But to my delight, Chan links our hands and places a kiss on my knuckles. She gapes at us and I catch her eye, giving her a smug smile. I feel gratified when she returns her attention to a stack of papers.

As we make our way through the hospital, Chan describes each department. Nurses and other doctors all stop to offer their greetings to him before hurrying on their way. I experience something I’ve never felt before – a strange sense of pride. 

As we walk out, he tells me a funny story of how a patient got lost in the wrong the department. I laugh but I immediately come to a halt as soon as we’re outside the hospital doors. Because across the street, outside my store, is Jisung.

Chan gives me a confused look when I stop moving. And right on cue, Jisung turns his head in our direction. It takes me two seconds to realize I’m still holding Chan’s hand and quickly let go. I see the question in Jisung’s eyes and I start praying that he hasn’t seen me holding Chan’s hand.

“Chan, I need to go,” I mumble. “Don’t follow me.” My heart in my throat, I cross the street and plaster a nervous smile on my face.

“Ji?” I approach him cautiously.

“Jeongin!” he waves me over. “I was worried. You’re usually here by now.”

“I know. I know,” I sigh. “I was just umm…”

“Why were you at the hospital?” his look of confusion turns into one of panic. “Oh my god, are you sick?”

“No no,” I reassure him. “I just had a check-up… for… my back. It’s been kind of sore lately.”

“Oh,” he relaxes and watches as I open up the store. I’m glad he can’t see the anxiety that’s taken over me. “Who was that doctor?” he asks, and I nearly drop the key. I wait for him to mention that we were holding hands. “I saw you speaking to him out there.” Just speaking? He didn’t see us hold hands?

“He’s the doctor who gave me the check-up,” I lie. “He walked me out just to make sure I’m alright.”

“But…” I turn around when I sense the hesitation in his voice. “He looks kind of familiar.”

Familiar? I wonder if Jisung is mistaken. 

“Anyway, I just came by to give you this,” he grins and gives me a sheet of paper.

I look at the slip of paper and frown. “Oh god. Again?”

“Hey don’t make that face,” he frowns. “It’s for a good cause.”

“I’ll be there,” I reassure him with a laugh. He works at the animal shelter and organizes strange fundraising events from time to time.

“And I promise this one won’t be weird,” he grins. “You don’t have to dress up in a costume, but it is formal. I think I’ve managed to get some good sponsors.”

“That’s a relief,” I raise my eyebrows. “I am not dressing up as a tiger again.”

“So umm…” he scratches his head shyly, the way he does when he’s about to talk about Minho.

I hope he doesn’t ask me to organize more dinners for all of us. I don’t want to be around Minho. “What is it?” I look at him questioningly.

“Minho is one of the sponsors,” he lets out a high pitched giggle.

I wait for him to tell me he’s joking.

I guess he isn’t joking.

“Minho’s a sponsor for the fundraiser?” I look at him in disbelief.

“I know, right!” he giggles again. “I ran into him at the shelter. He was donating cat food. I didn’t even know he likes cats. How amazing is that? Anyway, he saw the fundraising advert and offered to be a sponsor.”

“That’s… wow,” I blink, unable to process the idea of Minho being a kind cat-loving person.

“And guess what?” he smacks my shoulder out of excitement and I wince. “I’m meeting him later today to discuss the details.”

“You… you’re meeting Minho?” I still can’t process this information.

“For coffee,” he looks at me smugly. “I should actually get going. I need to find something nice to wear.”

I’m really trying to be happy for Jisung. But all I can think is that he might mention to Minho that I was at the hospital. And Minho would definitely tell Hyunjin. And Hyunjin will know straight away that I lied. No. I can’t let Hyunjin find out. 

“Um, Ji?” I stop him before he leaves. “Can you not mention anything about me going to the hospital? Please?”

He furrows his brows. “Jeongin, is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “I just don’t want anyone to worry.”

“You sure?” he asks. I know he’s not convinced. He knows me too well.

“Please, Ji,” I beg. “Just do this one thing for me.”

He presses his lips together in disapproval. “You know… When you were outside the hospital with that doctor, I could’ve sworn he was… he was holding your –"

“I should check on my plants now.” I say in a panic. “And you should leave, Jisung. Now.”

He looks at me in surprise. I know I’ve never been this way with him before. But right now he’s not being my best friend. He’s being a threat.  _ And I need to do something about him _ .

 


	11. Past - Hyunjin

**_February, 2007_ **

“Is everything ready?” I ask Minho, biting my lip as anxiety takes over.

“Calm down,” Minho rolls his eyes and gives me an amused look. “His friends are all out in the living room, I picked up the cake from the bakery, I –"

“Oh my god,” I look at him with wide eyes when I remember, “the candles!”

“I got them from the grocery store this morning,” Minho smirks.

I breathe a sigh of relief. “You’re amazing,” I look at him gratefully.

“I know,” he grins, ruffling my hair in the way he knows I hate.

I swat his hand away but smile when he winks at me and heads out into the living room. “And don’t terrify his friends!” I shout, hoping that he’s heard me.

I peek out into the hallway. Jeongin’s room door is still closed.  _ Why is he taking so long to change? _ I glance at the watch on my wrist. I hope I won’t get called to work by Ty. I want things to be perfect today. It’s his first birthday party.

I make my way to his room door and hesitate before knocking. He opens on the third knock and I gape. “Sorry,” he smiles sheepishly. “My hair took a bit longer than expected.”

But I’m unable to speak. His silky grey shirt hangs low, half tucked into his black skin tight jeans. The silver necklace that I bought him a year ago adorns his milky white skin. I bring my eyes up to his face and notice the hint of black eyeliner around his eyes. 

“Hyunjin? You okay?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

I snap out of my reverie and smile. “Yeah, just, umm… you don’t use makeup so umm… it’s just uh a bit strange seeing that umm… eyeliner.” I clear my throat and avert my eyes.

“Oh,” his giggles make something flutter in my stomach. I don’t know why I feel this way. “Yeah, it was Jisung’s idea,” he says, stepping out into the hallway.

_ Jisung _ . I should’ve known. But I can’t be angry at Jisung anymore. I have a lot to thank him for. 

I honestly had no idea until he told me. I never understood why Jeongin would be so angry every time I brought Fei home. I’d only known her for a month before I first brought her home. Honestly, it was only because it was raining and we couldn’t go to that park where we usually hang out. But one thing led to another, and she began coming over more often.

Jeongin would storm out of the apartment the moment he saw her. He wouldn’t talk to me for days. He walked in on us once… I still had most of my clothes on, but Fei…

I expected him to be surprised, angry even… but not hurt. The moment I saw the tears flowing down his cheeks, I knew I had to find out what was going on. But he was stubborn. He never wanted to talk about it. Minho wasn’t being any help either. Every time I’d bring up Jeongin’s behaviour he’d just shrug his shoulders.

I would’ve given up if Jisung hadn’t shown up with a drunk and half asleep Jeongin a few months ago. I didn’t even know that Jeongin had been sneaking out, let alone drinking alcohol. He wasn’t even sixteen yet.

After we’d got Jeongin into bed, Jisung stuck around for a few minutes. “You’re a blind ass,” was the first thing he said to me. “This is all your fault,” was the second thing he said. But neither of those things surprised me as much as the third thing he said. “Jeongin likes you – really  _ likes _ you – as more than a friend.”

I didn’t know what to think. I’d never felt that way about him – because I never thought that I could. It was  _ Jeongin _ we were talking about – that little boy who I found hiding under my bed.

“He’s not a baby anymore,” Jisung told me. “But you can’t see that and it hurts him.”

I never wanted to hurt Jeongin. And I hated myself because I didn’t feel the same way about him – I couldn’t.

“He knows you’ll never feel the same,” Jisung had said. “But every time he sees you with that girl…”

So I told Fei I couldn’t see her anymore. She had a special place in my heart, but Jeongin was more important. So she had to go.

And things were better with Jeongin. He’d begun to smile again. And even though I could never return his feelings, I was glad that Jisung was there to cheer him up. I was glad that he had such a good friend.

Jeongin’s sixteenth birthday party goes well. Minho scares his friends into pretending to enjoy the trot music Jeongin loves so much and soon the living room is filled with a bunch of dancing teenagers.

I’m glad when they start leaving, and soon it’s just Minho, Jisung, Jeongin and I left. Jisung looks like he’s going to pass out and I feel like that might be something to do with Minho’s presence. I go through the pile of DVD’s, searching for Jeongin’s favourite. I promised that we could it watch it together tonight. But just as I pull it out, my phone beeps, at the same time Minho’s does.

We exchange panicked looks. I know it’s Ty before I even look at the text. “Jeongin…” I begin.

“You have to go,” he sighs, but he still has a smile on his face. “It’s okay. I understand.”

“I don’t mind watching Frozen with you,” Jisung grins at Jeongin. “Should I get popcorn?”

I watch them argue over what popcorn to get and I smile in relief. _I’m glad that he has Jisung._

 


	12. Present - Jeongin

“Jeonginnie!” Minho grins at me as he enters the store. 

“What’s all that?” I ask, eyeing the bags he set on the counter.

“Snacks,” he smiles. “You must be hungry.”

“Thanks,” I mutter, wondering how to go about this. “Umm…” I look down at my hands.

“You wanted to see me,” he says and I sense the nervousness in his voice. “Is everything okay?” his smile is replaced with a frown.

I take a deep breath. “You’re sponsoring that event at the animal shelter,” I say carefully.

“Yeah,” he nods. “Your friend… Jisung… I didn’t know he works at the animal shelter. I was surprised to see him.”

“And you’re meeting him later for coffee?” I confirm.

Again, he nods. “Just to discuss stuff.”

_ And to discuss me _ . Jisung can’t keep his mouth shut.  _ I know it _ . I’m not being paranoid, am I?  _ No, I’m not. _ After all, Jisung was the one who told Hyunjin how I felt about him all those years ago. And he  _ promised _ me he wouldn’t.

“Minho,” I sigh, and lean across the counter, looking directly into his eyes. “You once told me that you’d do anything to keep a smile on my face…” I search his eyes to see whether he remembers that moment. He does.

“I meant that,” he says softly. “What do you need, Innie?”

“I don’t want you to talk to Jisung,” I say firmly. “Ever. Just stay away from him.”

He furrows his brows in confusion. “Jeongin… why?” he reaches out for my hand and I hastily draw it back.

“Don’t ask questions,” I snap. “Or did you not mean what you said back then?”

“I meant it!” he says quickly, his eyes widening. “Anything for you, Innie. You know that,” he softens and gives me a smile. “I’ll stay away from Jisung.”

“Good,” I breathe a sigh of relief. “I just don’t want him interacting with someone like  _ you _ ,” I lie.

I see the hurt in his eyes but I don’t care. I just can’t let anyone find out about Chan. I wait for him to leave, but he’s still staring at me from across the counter. “Can we eat together?” he asks, taking me by surprise. 

I shake my head and pretend to be busy with one of the plants. “I’m really busy. Just go, Minho.”

I only turn around when I hear the door slam shut. He’s gone. 

My conscience berates me for using him, but I’m not really, am I? I mean, he did say he’d do anything for me. It’s  _ his _ choice. I’m not forcing him to do anything.

I count down the hours until lunch, my eyes wavering to the hospital entrance every few minutes. At exactly 12:15 I see him striding towards the store. I grin and check my reflection in the window before turning the sign on the door to indicate that I’m closed for lunch. I open the door for him and I’m caught by surprise when he embraces me as soon as the door is closed behind him. 

“I missed you,” he whispers, as he holds me to his chest, and I feel a rush of joy knowing that he’s missed me too. 

“How much?” I tease, placing my hands around his neck, my fingers tangling themselves in his curls.

He chuckles. “I’ve missed you so much that I’ve decided to take the rest of the day off so that I can spend it with you.”

“Chan…” I look at him in surprise. “But I… I can’t leave the store, and –”

“Just for today, baby,” he pleads, and the pet-name sends a pleasurable shiver down my spine.

But still, I can’t. “My boyfriend will be here at 7 to pick me up,” I explain regretfully. 

For a second I think I see a flash of irritation in his eyes, but I’m wrong, because he gives me a reassuring smile. “I promise I’ll have you back by then,” he tells me. “I wanted to introduce you to my brother today.”

Oh. “I’d like that,” I smile. He really wants me to meet Felix? “I’d really like that.”

Again, I’m mesmerized by the scenery as he drives us to his house. “There are so many twisty roads and lanes,” I laugh. “How do you remember your way? There aren’t any road signs either,” I observe.

“Driving up and down every day helps,” he says with a wry smile. “And I’ve been told that I have a very  _ very _ good memory,” he laughs. “Speaking of driving, can you?”

“Can  _ I  _ drive?” I raise my eyebrows. “I can’t,” I say with an embarrassed shrug. “I don’t think I need to though,” I smile. “Walking takes my mind off things. And I never have to travel far. There’s always the bus if I do.”

“And,” Chan gives me a playful smile, “don’t forget your personal chauffeur Bang Chan.”

“Really?” I laugh. “I must be pretty special to have a doctor as my chauffeur,” I tease.

“You are,” he gives my cheek a quick peck before focusing on the road again.

I smile in contentment.  _ Why does all of this feel so perfect? Have I really not known true happiness until now? _

The boy who sits timidly on the couch, his hands folded on his lap, his eyes on the TV, is a world away from the bubbly, flustered boy who I’d met in my flower shop. 

“Felix,” Chan calls his name and he immediately stands.

He smiles at Chan. “Hello, Chan,” he says, his voice slightly shaky. His eyes flicker towards me and I see a sliver of recognition in them. I’m glad that we’re both in silent agreement to not tell Chan about our prior meeting.

“Felix, this is Jeongin,” Chan says, placing an arm around my shoulder.

I smile at the male who looks at me with wide eyes. “Hello, Felix. It’s nice to meet you.”

He gives me a small bow, his eyes downcast. “Nice to meet you too, Jeongin,” he says, and I can’t help but think that the smile on his face is forced.  _ Did I do something wrong? _

“Why don’t you sit here with Felix for a while? I can get started on lunch,” Chan smiles at me.

“I can help,” I offer, even though I have serious doubts about my cooking skills. Hyunjin says they’re fine though.  _ Hyunjin… _ No, I can’t think about him now.

“Just relax, baby,” Chan implores.

I want to protest, because I’d much rather spend time with him. But he called me baby. “Alright,” I nod, pleased when he places a hand on my cheek and presses our lips together. He nips at my bottom lip and I blush when I remember that Felix is in front of us.

Felix and I sit side by side on the couch, our eyes on the TV screen. Only after Chan is a safe distance away from us, does Felix turn to me. 

“Please don’t tell him,” he pleads in a whisper.

“I won’t,” I reassure him with a smile. “Don’t worry about that.” I see his shoulders visibly relax. “It’s such a coincidence,” I laugh. 

“Or just fate,” he gives me a nervous smile, his eyes flickering between me and the TV screen. “I believe in fate. What's meant to happen will happen.”

I nod in understanding, wondering how to make conversation with him, but he beats me to it. “Would you like to see my boat?” he asks, standing up, his eyes filled with excitement. “Just a minute. I’ll be back,” he tells me not waiting for my answer. 

I watch as he runs up the staircase and returns minutes later with a small boat in his hands. 

“We built it together,” he says holding it out to me. I examine the small boat, in awe of how real it looks. “We like to go to the pond at the city park. When it’s really windy the boat glides across the water. It’s really nice,” he grins at me.

“That sounds lovely,” I tell him when I hand the boat back to him. But I honestly can’t imagine Chan sailing a toy boat in a pond.

“And we do puzzles when it’s too hot to play by the pond,” he sits next to me, cradling the boat to his chest. I find the sight a little strange, and I hope it doesn’t show in my facial expression. 

We’re eating in the dining room. I don’t think they use it much. There’s dust on the mantel. And it seems as though the fireplace hasn’t been lit in ages.

I thought that dinner would be filled with awkward silences, but it isn’t. Chan is a natural conversationalist. He tells me about all his interesting patients and makes me laugh with silly impersonations. Felix is unnaturally silent, but I don’t let that bother me. Maybe he’s just shy.

We’re halfway through dinner when Chan’s phone buzzes. My face falls because I assume it’s work, but I’m wrong.

“Looks like we’ll be having extra company today,” he frowns at his phone before standing up and leaving the dining room.

“I wonder who that is,” I smile at Felix who shrugs in response.

“Sometimes people who work with Chan visit,” he tells me. “But it’s always planned. No one shows up without checking with him first. It’s a long way to drive just for a surprise visit. And it’s a waste when you find out no one is home.”

Chan returns to the dining room moments later, with a handsome male following behind. The male stares at Felix before realizing my presence. His eyes widen. “Chan, I didn’t realize you had company. I’m sorry.”

Chan waves away his apology and smiles at me. “Jeongin, this is my dear friend and colleague, Changbin.”

“Nice to meet you,” I smile as he takes a seat at the table.

I notice that Chan hasn’t introduced me. I don’t blame him. How do you introduce someone else’s boyfriend as your own?

Chan and Changbin begin to discuss work at the hospital and I become increasingly bored. I glance at Felix, but to my surprise, he’s listening attentively. No. He’s not listening. He’s… staring at Changbin. 

Oh! I recall my first conversation with Felix.

_ “We’ve been seeing each other. But he’s not my boyfriend… yet.” _

_ “What’s stopping you?”  _

_ “He works with my brother. They’re good friends.” _

So, this is the one who Felix has been secretly seeing. I shake my head. It’s none of my business.

I glance at the watch on my wrist. It’s nearly 6pm. Hyunjin will be at the store to pick me up soon. I need to leave.  _ Or… do I? _

**Jeongin:**

_ Hey baby. Jisung really needs me to stay over tonight. _

_ He’s going through some stuff. _

_ I’ll see you in the morning. _

_ I love you _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading <3 it really means a lot to me.  
> If any of you are on twitter and want to chat I'm @flora_stays


	13. Past - Hyunjin

**_September, 2009_ **

“What does he want?” Hyunjin asked Minho in a whisper. “He never calls  _ all of us _ in at the same time.”

“Yeah,” Minho sighed. “There’s been some trouble.” I follow him down the set of stairs that leads to the basement.

“Trouble?” I raise my eyebrows. 

There are around thirty of us crowded around Taeyong. I barely know any of these men. I prefer keeping to myself. When Taeyong wants someone dead – I do it, I get paid, and then I leave. I like to keep things simple.

He’s seated at a table, hunched over a pile of folders. No one dares to make a sound. Minho stands at his side, his expression sullen. Taeyong closes the folder he’s been looking at, and his gaze sweeps the room. 

He clears his throat and stands up. A few nervous men take tentative steps back. “I don’t do people favours,” he begins pacing the length of the room. “But I like doing nice things for my friends.” 

He has friends?

“And some people,” he perches on the table, “take advantage of that.” He surveys a few of the men standing closest. I wish he’d just get to the point already.

“Heoshi, for example,” he says. Now I can see the other men begin to get jittery. Like Taeyong, Heoshi runs an empire built on illegal trade and trafficking. When their stocks deplete, they tend to help each other out.

“Heoshi owes me more money than I am willing to give out for free,” Taeyong goes on. “And when I asked nicely…” He means with threats and violence. “He decided to respond by kidnapping and killing my sister.”

Oh shit.

The room went quiet and no one dared to breathe as Taeyong reached for one of the folders. “In these folders are details about the men that run Heoshi’s little cartels for him. Finish them – all of them, whoever you find. End them all.”

Great. The next few days are going to be a nightmare.

He begins calling out the names of those who’ll be leading the teams. And I’m surprised when he calls out my name. 

He wants me to lead a team? But I’m just an executioner. I know nothing about leading. I look at Minho who has a smile playing on his lips. He’s been hinting at a promotion for days, saying that Ty is pleased with my work. But really, what’s there to be pleased about? It isn’t hard pressing a trigger. 

My team consists of two other people I’ve never met before. They’re brothers, I learn – Kim Woojin and Kim Seungmin.

We go through the targets assigned to us. I’m supposed to be the leader but I don’t know the first thing about leading. Both of the Kim brothers have been doing this longer than I have so I wait for their suggestions. But what they suggest isn’t going to be easy. 

All our targets are in a city a few hours away from here. If we’re going to do this properly we’ll need to be away for a few days. Jeongin won’t be happy.

“He’ll understand,” Minho reassures me when I tell him my concerns. “You’ve been doing this for eight years now.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “But it’s the first time I’ll be away for so long.” I’ve never stayed away from him for more than a night.

“Listen,” Minho placed an arm around my shoulders. “He’s graduating high school in a few weeks. He’s old enough to take care of himself.”

I look at him, unconvinced. Jeongin is a baby – my baby. I’ll always want to take care of him. 

“And,” Minho adds with a smile, “I promise I’ll take care of him for you.”

“I know you will,” I nod. We’ve been living together for three years now, but Jeongin still behaves coldly towards Minho. There’s always tension in the atmosphere when the three of us are in the same room. Over the past few years, Jeongin has probably said no more than ten words to Minho. 

I know that Minho will look after him, but I’m just not sure how receptive Jeongin will be.

 

**_October, 2009_ **

“Hey, Innie,” I lean against the doorframe and watch him play games on the new console that I bought him. As much as I’d like it, I don’t expect him to run to me and proclaim that he’s missed me. 

“You said you’d be gone for a week,” he says, his eyes still on the TV. “It’s been  _ two _ weeks, Hyunjin.”

The anger in his voice makes me cringe. Yeah, he doesn’t throw tantrums anymore. He’s grown out of that. But his anger is still as prominent as it was ten years ago. 

“It took longer than we expected. I’m sorry,” I apologise. “But I’ll make it up to you.”

And finally, he looks at me. “How?” he raises his eyebrows. 

I hum. “How about a little trip? Just the two of us?”

“Why did you want to come here?” I ask him, furrowing my brows as I sit down beside him on the sand. 

We could have gone anywhere. I’d have taken him anywhere. But he asked to come here – the beach. He hates the beach. 

“I’ve avoided this place for too long,” he tells me, looking out at the waves crashing into the rocks in front of us.

“Avoided?” I give him a questioning look. “What do you mean?”

He lifts his hand and points to an imaginary spot out in the ocean. “There. My brother died there.”

Oh. This is the first time he’s mentioned his brother since I found out he had one all those years ago. I place an arm around his shoulders. “Do you… want to talk about it?”

He stares into space for a few seconds before taking a deep breath. “I never really knew much about my birth mother,” he tells me, his eyes still on the waves, seeping in and out. “All I knew was that she was a drug addict who loved and needed her daily fix more than she loved and needed me. That’s why they took me away from her.”

I nod in understanding. “Is that when you went to your first foster home?”

He nods, a smile forming on his lips. “They were wonderful. And they had a son, a year younger than me. We got along so well. We really were a family.” He sighed. “Two years after I moved in with them, we took a trip to the beach. And everything went wrong.” A single tear rolls down his cheek as he continues. “They went to fetch something from the car. Stay right here on the blanket, they told us. But I wanted to play.”

I gulped, understanding where this was going.

“We were on those rocks,” Jeongin sniffles. “I slipped and he caught hold of me. We both fell. I don’t know why I was the one who survived.” He sobs into my chest as I hold him close. “It w-was all m-my f-fault.”

“Jeongin,” I shake my head. “You were a child who wanted to play. Stop blaming yourself.”

But he only sobbed harder. 

I pulled away from his grip, forcing him to look at me. “Innie,” I cupped his face, brushing away his tears with my thumbs. “It’s easy to say that we should think before we act – that we should think of the consequences before we act on our impulses. But honestly, sometimes the only time you can know the consequences of something, is to actually do that thing.” He stops sniffling as he contemplates my words. “And Jeongin, you were a child. Children don’t care about consequences.”

We sit silently, and although I want to know what he’s thinking, I leave him to his thoughts and wait patiently.

“Coming here today was a fear I wanted to conquer,” he finally says. “And I did,” he smiles. 

“You did,” I rub his back comfortingly. 

“I wanted to prove something to myself,” he laughs lightly. 

I look at him. “What did you want to prove?”

Again, he takes a deep breath. “That if I could conquer my fear of coming to this place, I can conquer my one other fear.”

“Which is?”

He bites his lip and peers at me shyly. “I think you’re right – about consequences. Sometimes we can only know the consequences of something, if we actually do the thing,” he repeats my words with a smile.

“What thing –”

My eyes widen in surprise. His lips are on mine. Soft, sweet, bliss. 

But this is wrong. 

I shouldn’t be enjoying it.

I shouldn’t be kissing Jeongin. 

_ But I am. _

_ And I want to. _

Pleasure drugs my blood. Everything has slowed down and time becomes a foreign concept. I’m not fully aware of my surroundings. I feel nothing but his lips. My existence has narrowed to this one small being straddling my lap. His mouth is all I can taste. His sighs are all I can hear.  _ There is only Jeongin.  _

 


	14. Present - Jeongin

The sun feels warm on my face and the gentle morning breeze feels perfect. Everything feels perfect. I glance at my reflection in the window and I smile. Chan’s oversized black shirt hangs loosely on my body, my left shoulder exposed, revealing the pink marks scattered all over my skin. 

Chan steps out onto the terrace with me, and I’m glad to see that there are similar marks decorating his bare chest. “It’s a good morning,” he says, placing his arms around me as we look out into the yard.

I hum in response, leaning back into him. I feel safe with him. I feel happy.

“Do you like it here?”

I bite my lip. It’s not a question I expected. “The house is beautiful,” I nod. “But the yard…”

“The yard?”

“It’s too bare. It needs more green,” I admit. “It needs pinks and blues and purples. Flowers,” I smile. “It needs a garden.” I turn to look at him. He has a secretive smile on his face. “What are you thinking?” I ask, placing my arms around his neck.

“I’m thinking…” he hums. “You can do whatever you want with the yard. Just let me know what you need,” he grins.

“Really?” I ask excited at the prospect of having my own garden. I’ve never had a yard of my own. Growing my own flowers and tending to them has always been a little dream of mine.

“Of course,” he smiles. “I know you’ll make it look beautiful.”

I run my fingers through his hair, tangling them in his curls. His eyes search mine, and I know that he wants to tell me something, almost as bad as I want to tell him something. I just don’t know if I have the courage to say it. Admitting it to myself is harder than telling him. 

But when he places a kiss on my forehead, it’s undeniable. I’m falling in love with him.

“Jeongin,” he rests his forehead against mine. “Jeongin, I…” he swallows, and I can see that the words are difficult for him to get out. “I’ve never been in love before, but I think…” I draw in a breath. Is he saying…? “I think that this must be it,” he smiles. “I think… I love you.”

“And I think that I love you too,” I whisper against his lips. 

“Then stay.”

“What?” I pull away. “Stay?”

He nods. “Stay here with me – with us. Don’t leave, Jeongin.”

“Chan, I… I can’t,” I shake my head. “I need to go back. I need to go back to Hyunjin.”

“But why?” Chan implores. “Jeongin, if you wanted him, you’d be with him right now. But you’re with me. Doesn’t that say something?”

“You don’t understand,” I say through teary eyes. “Hyunjin’s always been there for me. Without him…”

“And I get that,” he nods, placing his hands on my shoulders. “I do. But I believe that people come into our lives for a reason,” he says, giving me a firm look. “I’m sure he came into your life for a reason. But maybe he’s served his purpose Jeongin. Maybe it’s time to let him go.”

Let him go? Let Hyunjin go? “No,” I shake my head. It’s unthinkable. How can I leave Hyunjin? _After everything…_

“Then are you happy?” Chan sighs. “Are you happier with him than you are with me?” I look at him, but I’m unable to answer. “Tell me,” he pleads. “Tell me that you’re happier with him, and I’ll happily accept your decision.”

I feel hot tears roll down my cheeks. “I – I’m h-hap…” But I can’t say it. I can’t lie. So I tell him the truth. “I’m h-happier w-with you.”

 


	15. Past - Hyunjin

November, 2009

“Taeyong’s orders were clear,” Woojin reminds me. “This man was the only one left linked to the death of Ty’s sister. There needs to be punishment.” 

“Exactly,” Seungmin agrees. “Ty said to kill anyone you found. Anyone.”

I shake my head. “I can’t do this,” I murmur. I’ve been killing people for Taeyong for years now. But this is the first time I’ve hesitated to pull the trigger.

“Hyunjin,” Woojin sighs in exasperation. “Do you want me to do it for you?”

“No,” Seungmin places a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Taeyong wants Hyunjin to do it.” He turns to me with a determined look on his face. “You know that this isn’t just revenge for Taeyong,” he tells me. “He’s also using the situation to test you. Do this, and you’ll move up the ranks.”

I gulp as I look at the two little girls shivering in front of me, bent over the lifeless bodies of their parents and a dozen or so security guards. 

I take a step closer. I avert my eyes and I pull the trigger. Once. Twice. 

I’m hit with a spray of blood and I close my eyes, feeling the bile traveling up my throat. I heave before throwing up onto the floor.

Woojin pats my back. “You did well. We’ll be outside.”

I wait for them to leave before I fall to my knees, observing the scene of the massacre. I can’t do this anymore. I hear a shuffling sound and immediately lift my gaze. He stands frozen in place at the top of the staircase. He’s a boy, about my age. Tears run down his cheeks and his mouth hangs open in shock.

I raise the gun, but then let my hand fall limply. I throw the gun to the side.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks as we drive away.

I nod. “Yeah.”

 

It’s the first time I’ve gone home to Jeongin like this. Usually, I clean myself up some place, making sure that there aren’t any traces of blood on me. But tonight he needs to see.

Minho tried to convince me not to do this. But it has to be done.

I see his shock as soon as I enter our bedroom. His fox-like eyes slowly take in the blood stains on my clothes and face. 

He approaches me with shaky hands. “H-Hyunjin.”

“It’s okay,” I brush his cheek with my knuckles. “It’s okay. It’s not my blood.”

“Then – then whose…?” he looks at me with wide eyes.

I take his hand, leading him to the bed. “You wanted to know what I do for Taeyong.”

He nods. “Yes, but this…”

“I hurt people, Jeongin,” I say weakly, unable to look him in the eye. “Sometimes I do worse than hurt them – like today.”

Jeongin shakes his head, wrapping his arms around his knees. I can understand his shock. I’ve kept him protected from all this for too long. “Jeongin, baby,” I reach out for him but he flinches away. “I’m not going to hurt you,” I say, ignoring the tears that sting my eyes.

“But you hurt other people,” he says in a whisper.

“Jeongin, I -…” I bite my lip. “I don’t want to do that anymore. But if I don’t…”

“If you don’t?” he probes, lifting his gaze to mine.

“I can do other things for Ty,” I explain. “Less hurtful things. But I won’t be earning as much. Things will be difficult for us.”

“I don’t care,” he shakes his head and climbs onto my lap. “Jinnie, I don’t care. I don’t need anything, besides you.”

“We won’t be able to stay here with Minho,” I warn. “The rent is too much to split. He offered to let us live here for free, but –”

“But you don’t take handouts,” Jeongin finishes for me. “I know, Jinnie. And it’s okay.”

I look at him, unsure. We’ve been living comfortably. He’s wanted for nothing. Whatever he asked for, I’ve been able to provide. He was going to start college in the fall. But now…

“It’s okay,” he lays his head on my chest. “We’ll be fine. We’ll be happy. As long as we have each other, we will be happy.”


	16. Chapter 16

_ Dear Hyunjin, _

_ For the longest time, you kept me happy, because you were the only happiness I knew. I didn’t think that I could find happiness elsewhere, so I didn’t look. But it found me, Jinnie. He found me.  _

_ It’s not that you don’t make me happy anymore. It’s just that when I’m with him, I feel more than just happy. I feel free. When I’m with him I don’t feel stifled. When I’m with him I don’t have to constantly worry about the future – because with him, it’s the here and now that matters. _

_ I’m sorry, Jinnie. I know that it’s selfish of me. You’ve done so much for me. You’ve given me everything you could and I do appreciate that. That’s the reason I won’t come back to the apartment. Everything there is yours. Whatever you’ve given me, take it all back. For the hurt that I am causing you, I don’t deserve any of it. _

_ I just ask one last thing from you. Take care of yourself. Please. _

_ I will always love you, _

_ Jeongin _


	17. Present - Jeongin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, the plot is about to get darker.

I open my eyes but I see only darkness. It’s cold. Everything feels cold. My body aches. I start to wonder if I’m dead but I can’t be. Everything was going too beautifully for it to end in death. 

I try to call out for Chan, but my throat feels parched, and I only let out a strangled sound that echoes in the silence.  _ Where is he? Why isn’t he next to me? _ We went to bed together. He had his arms around me. But this isn’t his – our – bedroom. And he isn’t here.

I feel a cold surface beneath my hands. I’m on a cemented floor. I’m sure of it. I push myself up into a sitting position ignoring the pain shooting through my body.  _ It’s so cold _ . I wrap my arms around myself and that’s when I hear it – the tinkling sound of a chain. 

My fingers trembling, I use my right hand to clasp my left wrist, but instead of skin I find a cold metal cuff, and attached to the cuff, a thick chain. 

_ This can't be happening _ .

My eyes dart around, trying to make sense of my surroundings. But there’s only darkness. I tug on the chain, but I can tell it’s firmly attached to something. I reach out, finding the wall behind me.

_ This can’t be happening. _

I dig my fingers into the wall, pulling myself up onto my feet. I need to find Chan. I need to get out of here – wherever this is. I attempt to walk forward, testing how far the chain would let me go, but I make another horrifying discovery. My right ankle is cuffed, attached to a similar chain. I can only move five steps forward before I’m held back. 

_ This can’t be happening. _

I tug at the chains, trying to wrench my hand and leg free. As my strength wears away, I feel my heart begin to race more and more, coming to the realization that I’m trapped. I slide back onto the floor feeling a surge of dizziness. There is only one person who I think is capable of something like this.

_ Hyunjin _ . Did he do this to me? What did he do to Chan? I lean back against the wall and begin to sob. I don’t know what else to do.

“You don’t sound so good. Calm down.”

_ What? Who is that? _

I look out into the darkness but see no one.

“Stop crying. You’re wasting your energy.”

“Who – wh…” I try to speak but my throat just burns. I need water.

“I’m Seungmin,” the voice says after a while. “And you? What’s your name?”

I turn to the direction of the voice, and as I squint, I can make out his faint outline. “J-Jeongin,” I stammer.

“The sun will be up in a few minutes,” Seungmin says. “You’ll be able to see better.”

“D-Did you do th-this to me?” I ask, forcing the words out despite the burning sensation in my throat.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffs. “I’m chained up just like you are.”

“Why are we here?” I ask weakly.

“Who knows…” the other says dryly. “He’ll be here with food soon.”

He? Hyunjin? I feel another surge of panic. What if he hurts Chan? What if he does worse than just hurt Chan? 

I’m momentarily taken by surprise when a few rays of yellow light begin to stream into the room. I blink, letting my eyes adjust. The light comes from several air vents in one of the bare cemented walls. I scan the empty room, my eyes finally settling on the person chained to the wall in front of me. His brown hair looks matted with dirt and oil. There are several bruises on his face, like he’d recently been in a scuffle.

I want to find out what more he knows, but before I can open my mouth, I hear the jingle of keys and the creaking of a door. I look at the set of stairs on my far right, and I tense as a shadow precedes firm footsteps.

I shake my head vigorously at the sight of the man who now stands in front of me.

_ This can’t be happening _ .

“W-Why would you do this?” I croak out. 

“No, Jeongin,” Chan sighs. “Why would  _ you  _ do this?” 

I furrow my brows, confused. 

“You threw away your life,” Chan shakes his head with mock sympathy. “You threw everything away for me. You did this to yourself.”

“Chan,” I look at him imploringly. I wish that this is all some kind of joke, but the terrified look in Seungmin’s eyes tells me that it isn’t.

“I thought it would take longer,” Chan crouches down beside me. “But in a matter of weeks you fell in  _ love _ ,” he sneers when he says it, “with a complete stranger.”

“Anyway,” he shrugs and stands up. “Time for breakfast.”


	18. Present - Minho

I knock again but there isn’t an answer. I know he’s in there. “Hyunjin!” I shout as I bang my fist against the door. “Open up! Now!”

I’m about to pick the lock when the door swings open. Disgusted is an understatement for what I feel when I look at him. The stench of alcohol is strong as he staggers back to the couch, not even giving me a word in greeting.

“Have you heard from Jeongin?” I ask, standing over him, trying to ignore the pile of empty bottles at my feet.

He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“Have you _tried_ looking for him?”

Again, he shakes his head.

“Why haven’t you bothered looking for him? Hyunjin, he’s been gone for a week!” I run my fingers through my hair, my frustration building as I observe how disinterested he looks.

“Minho, you read the letter,” he says, his words slurring. “It’s not like he’s missing. He ran off with someone.”

“I know that,” I snap. “But that doesn’t mean he’s alright. Hyunjin, I’ve looked everywhere. If we could just talk to h –”

“ _ We _ ?” Hyunjin laughs and sits up. “He broke up with  _ me _ . He’s no one to you. Yet you’re going around looking for him.”

“What are you trying to say?” I ask, knowing exactly what he’s trying to say. In my mind I’m already trying to muster my defence.

He reaches for an almost empty bottle of beer. “You know,” he tilts his head, “when I first read the letter I thought it was you.”

“Thought it was me?” I ask, carefully. I’m fully aware of where this is headed but I never expected it to happen today. 

Hyunjin takes a swig from the bottle and when he looks me, I see the accusation in his eyes. 

I shake my head. “Hyunjin, please don’t misunderstand –”

“Everything is ruined,” he says in a whisper, before slumping back down on the couch. “Go, Minho. Find him if you want to. I don’t care.”

“Jinnie,” I sigh, running my fingers through his hair. “You  _ do _ care,” I say gently, knowing how hurt he is. 

 

“Where are we going?” Woojin asks, looking out of the car window. 

“To see someone who might know where Jeongin is,” I reply as the car rolls to a stop outside the redbrick house. I’m pretty sure I have the correct address. 

“And you waited a week before coming to ask this person?” Woojin raises his eyebrows.

“Our last conversation didn’t end well,” I explain. “I was hoping I’d find Innie without having to ask for his help.” I glance at Woojin. “You don’t have to come in.”

“I’ll go in with you,” he reassures me with a smile. “I said I’d help you look for him.” He opens the car door and turns to me. “As long as we don’t stay long. I have umm…” he bites his lip as pink creeps into his cheeks. “I have a date later.”

“Oh,” I look at him in surprise. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”

“We met two weeks ago,” he chuckles. “We’ve been on a handful of dates.”

“Good for you,” I say with a smile. I know he’s been having a difficult time since Seungmin left. “Have you heard from him? From Seungmin? It’s been a month…”

Woojin shakes his head. “He’ll come back when he gets bored of traveling. I try not to be that clingy older brother. And we didn’t exactly part on good terms.”

I cringe. That’s true. Woojin had wanted Seungmin to continue working for Ty. But Seungmin had other plans. 

“Photography,” Woojin mutters, looking away in annoyance. “What use is that?”

I sense his temper beginning to flare again so I place a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go inside,” I urge.

Jisung opens on the fifth knock. He’s dressed in sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. His brown hair is messy as though he just woke up from a nap. His mouth turns into a frown as he eyes me.

“What do you want?” he asks, with folded arms.

I didn’t expect him to be welcoming so I’m not surprised by his tone. I clear my throat, finding it difficult to meet his menacing gaze. “Hi umm… Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“I don’t know,” he frowns, giving Woojin a suspicious look.

“This is Woojin,” I say quickly. “He works with me. I just want to talk about Jeongin.”

“Jeongin?” he looks at me with renewed interest. “Come in.”

We follow him into the living room and he clears away a few pizza boxes, before sitting down.

“I’ll get to the point,” I sigh as Woojin and I sit down. “Do you know where Innie is?”

Jisung looks taken aback. “What do you mean? Shouldn’t he be at home with Hyunjin? Or at the store?”

I observe him for a few seconds, and his confusion seems to be real. He isn’t pretending. He doesn’t know where Jeongin is.

“Jisung, did he ever talk to you about leaving Hyunjin?”

“What?” Jisung’s eyes widen. “No. That’s – no – he would never.”

“Well,” I scratch the back of my head, “he did.”

“What?” Jisung’s jaw drops. “He – he left Hyunjin? He left home? But why?” he begins to panic. “Where would he go?”

“He left Hyunjin a letter,” I explain. “He said that he met someone else.” I explain the contents of the letter to Jisung and watch as his expression changes from shock to despair.

“He met someone else?” Jisung shakes his head. “That can’t be right. Our Innie would _never_ cheat on Hyunjin.”

“I find it hard to believe too,” I nod. “But his handwriting matches…”

“He never told you that he met someone new or… or interesting?” Woojin questions Jisung. “Any new friends?”

Jisung shakes his head, but then his eyes widen. “He was behaving a bit strange lately…” he admits, sinking back into the couch and groaning. “He started dressing up more, asking me for makeup…” He looks at me sadly. “Is this my fault? Did I encourage –”

“No,” I shake my head firmly. “None of it is your fault,” I answer truthfully. What Jeongin did, what he’s doing… no one is to blame for that.

Jisung sighs, before reaching for his phone. “I’ll call him.”

“The number no longer exists,” I stop him. “I tried.”

“How is Hyunjin?” Jisung asks after a while. “I can’t imagine he’s taking it well.”

“He’s not,” I sigh. “He wants me to just leave it alone. But Jeongin is still young,” I shake my head. “He doesn’t understand how the world works, how people work… He’s naïve.”

Jisung smiles sadly. “Yeah, he always has been. It’s something that gets him into trouble quite a lot,” he chuckles softly. “I just hope this time…” He lifts his gaze to meet mine and I see the concern reflected in them.

“I’ll find him,” I reassure Jisung. “I’ll make sure he’s alright.”

Woojin excuses himself to take a call outside, leaving Jisung and I alone, in an uncomfortable silence.

“Jisung, I –”

“Don’t,” he shakes his head, his arms folded.

“But I  _ am _ sorry,” I explain, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

He flinches away. “No,” he sighs. “You made it clear. You don’t think it’s a good idea for us to spend any time together.”

I can’t deny that I said it over our last phone call. But I only did it for Jeongin. “I still supported the fundraiser,” I mutter, but I know it’s not enough. He asked me out on a date and I basically rejected him. “It’s not you,” I bite my lip. “You’re… There’s nothing wrong with you. I just –”

“The same old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse,” Jisung scoffs. 

“It really is me!” I protest. Jeongin wasn’t wrong when he said I was bad for Jisung. “I’m not someone you want to associate with.”

“Ridiculous,” Jisung shakes his head and glares at me. “I should be the one to decide who I get to associate with. And…” he hesitates. “I think I made it clear that I want to do more than just  _ associate _ with you.”

“I should go,” I say, standing up.

He nods and I see the disappointment in his eyes. “Show yourself out.”

Jisung is a nice guy. He’s kind, caring, funny, cute… But my heart belongs to someone else.


	19. Past - Minho

I’ve never noticed them before. I don’t really notice people who don’t ask for my attention. They’re cute. I watch them walk hand in hand across the school playground. The taller one shoots angry glares at anyone who looks in their direction. 

I tap the nearest person on their shoulder and they flinch away when they see that it’s me. “Who are they?” I question.

“Hyunjin and his new brother Jeongin,” the kid says before running off.

Hyunjin? The name sounds familiar. Oh. He’s that little kid who bullies everyone. I’ve heard a few stories about the ten year old.

I learn a few things about Hyunjin over the next few days. 

  1. He steals stuff
  2. He swears a lot for a ten year old
  3. He has no friends
  4. He has no idea how to take care of his brother



The little kid follows after Hyunjin during recess, standing in the shadows and watching Hyunjin bully others for their lunch. But even with the stolen food, Jeongin is too undernourished. Still, I’m in awe that Hyunjin is actually trying to take care of him. It’s… admirable. My family doesn’t exactly lack for anything. The only reason I’m in this run-down school is because my uncle wants me to help him recruit these kids for his drug smuggling business. 

I keep an eye on Hyunjin. I’m hoping that he comes to me soon to ask for work. But despite his tendency to bully and steal, he still maintains a certain amount of pride. I like that. I like Hyunjin. The thought surprises me. I’ve made it this far without friends. But Hyunjin… He’s kind of like me.

He doesn’t seem to have any friends of his own. I suppose I should try to help him out a little. But I have a feeling that he won’t be so accepting of my help.

I stand outside Jeongin’s classroom, watching as Hyunjin waits for him to go in, and then makes his way to his own class. I grab a random kid, asking them to fetch Jeongin from inside the class. Of course, the kid does as I say.

Jeongin approaches me with wide, fearful eyes. I try to soften my expression. I’m not trying to scare him. I hope I have a smile on my face. I can’t always tell.

“I have something for you,” I tell him, reaching into my bag. I pull out the two wrapped sandwiches. 

He takes them carefully, furrowing his brows in confusion. “For me?”

“For you,” I nod. “Just don’t tell Hyunjin.”

He immediately shakes his head in refusal. 

“You want the sandwiches, don’t you?” I raise my eyebrows, and he nods eagerly. “Then you can’t tell Hyunjin, and you can’t eat them in front of him. He won’t let you have them if he knows it’s from me.”

Jeongin contemplates my words, licking his lips as he eyes the sandwiches. Finally, he nods.

“Good,” I sigh in relief and ruffle his hair, but he nearly drops the sandwiches in fright. “Sorry,” I say quickly, stepping away. “You can go back in now.”

He makes his way back to his class, but pauses in the doorway and gives me a bright smile. Cute kid. I think I’ll help Hyunjin take care of him. 

_ And maybe, just maybe, we could be friends. _


	20. Present - Changbin

I’m waiting for him in our favourite café. It’s not too far from the hospital so I don’t have to drive too far in case I’m called in for an emergency. And it’s not too near so Chan is unlikely to see us together. I hate hiding this relationship from Chan. He’s been a good friend and colleague. But Felix is adamant that Chan won’t approve. I disagree, but Felix is more comfortable with it this way.

I smile when he walks through the door. He’s wearing that pink sweater I love so much. I stand up and meet him halfway. With shy smiles, we walk to our usual table.

“How have you been?” I ask, noting the circles under his eyes. He has trouble sleeping. Chan usually has to give him pills.

“Just… normal,” he murmurs with a shy smile on his lips, his eyes downcast.

The waitress asks for our orders, and as usual, Felix asks me to order for him. I order the hot chocolate he seems to like so much. Although, with Felix, I can never be too sure of his likes and dislikes. He doesn’t talk too much. And when he does, his words don’t always make sense. 

“How’d you get here?” I ask, not expecting an answer. He never answers that question. He and Chan live far from the city. I have a nagging suspicion that the answer isn’t a pleasant one. There are no cabs that go up there. So he either gets a lift with one of the neighbours, who live quite a distance away from him, or, the more unrealistic option – he walks all the way here. I’m not really worth a two to three hour walk.

As expected, he doesn’t answer, but sips on his hot chocolate.

“Your hair colour is fading,” I observe with a smile. The ginger colour was now light brown in colour. I was surprised when he dyed his hair a new colour. Apparently it was a birthday present from Chan. 

He self-consciously touches his hair, a blush forming. “Is – is it ugly?” he looks at me in concern.

“Ugly?” I chuckle. “Lixie, baby, you can never be ugly. You’re too beautiful.”

His blush deepens, and his smile widens. I’m tempted to kiss him, and after more than a year of dating him, you’d think that would be something we do often, but it isn’t. Felix is… different. He’s delicate. I don’t mind going at his pace. I have his heart. I know that much. I don’t need anything else. 

“Channie invited you over for dinner on Sunday,” he bites his lip and gives me an anxious look.

“He did,” I nod. “It’ll be alright,” I give him a reassuring smile, reaching out to touch his hand. He lets me hold it for a few seconds before pulling it back and looking at the other few customers nervously. He doesn’t go out much. He says that being outside makes him uneasy. That’s why I always appreciate him coming out here to see me.

“Do you want to go back to my apartment for a little while?” I ask. He’s always more comfortable there.

He shakes his head. “Another time,” he smiles. “I need to get back soon.”

I sigh, but smile, trying to hide my disappointment. “You know, things would be easier if you had a phone. Have you given any more thought to it?”

It’s strange, someone his age not having a phone, or even a computer. He says that he hates technology and avoids technological devices at all costs. I know it agitates him when I press him to get a phone, but I have to try.

“No,” he shakes his head, his brows furrowed. I can see the shift in his mood. Maybe I’m an idiot for bringing it up again. 

“That’s alright, Lix,” I reassure him. “It’s just a little difficult not being able to communicate with you.”

His expression softens at my words. “I – I’m sorry, Binnie,” he apologizes with a sad smile. “I just…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I say quickly, reaching over to brush back a stray strand of hair. His cheeks flush at the gesture and I smile. “So…” I pull out my phone, checking my work schedule. “I’ll see you on Sunday for dinner with your brother,” I hum. “And then, Tuesday? Here? Same time?” I look at him.

He nods and stands up. “That’ll be good,” he smiles. “But if I’m not here…” 

“I know,” I stand up with him. “It’ll mean something came up and you couldn’t make it.” It’s happened before. With no way to communicate, I just have to hope that he shows up, and when he doesn’t I have to make do with the fact that he’s busy. Of course, when I don’t see him for too long I stop by their house, with the excuse of visiting Chan. 

I walk him out of the café, and when we’re outside on the sidewalk, I hold my arms out. He hesitates before letting me embrace him. “I’ll miss you,” he whispers.

“And I’ll miss you too,” I say, pulling back and lightly touching his cheek before letting him go. 

I watch him walk across to the animal shelter. I may not know how he gets to the city, but he’s given away that he has a friend at the animal shelter who always takes him back home. 

“I miss you already, Lix,” I say to the figure who was already a distance away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all enjoying this <3 please take care...


	21. Present - Jisung

I’ve just finished feeding the new dogs that came in today. I smile at one of the puppies who nip at my fingers. 

“Jisung,” one of the other workers says, “there’s someone at the reception to see you.”

I raise my brows in surprise. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

I’m pleasantly surprised to see Felix. He has his hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans, and like always, he looks at the other people wearily. 

“Hey, Lixie,” I grin. “You here to see the animals?” 

He nods eagerly, his lips curving into a sweet smile. “Just for a few minutes,” he says.

“Come here,” I gesture to the room I’d just been in.

Felix first came in with his brother a few months ago. His brother wasn’t big on keeping pets but Felix loved animals, so they visited the shelter every weekend for Felix’s enjoyment. It had been a while since Felix started coming in on his own. He mentioned that his brother had recently completed his training at the hospital and was now a full-time doctor which meant –

I’m suddenly struck by another thought. _Jeongin_ . That’s why the guy looked so familiar! The doctor Jeongin was with, is Felix’s brother! Of course, that doesn’t really matter. But what does matter, is that Jeongin was sick. _What did he say? An aching back!_ It’s probably nothing, but I should let Minho know later.

 “They’re wonderful!” he says, his eyes wide in amazement as a few puppies approach him. 

“They are,” I smile in agreement. “Someone just dropped them off a few hours ago.”

“I wish I could get one,” he says with a regretful smile, his fingers ruffling the fur of one of the puppies. “But – but my brother – he…” he shakes his head, thinking better of it.

“Well, you know you can always come by to play with any of the animals here,” I reassure him. 

“Are you going out of the city, by any chance?” he asks after a while, his eyes hopeful.

“I didn’t plan on going,” I shrug. “But I don’t mind driving you home again.”

Felix lives a _long_ way from the city. I usually go out there on behalf of the animal shelter checking for any injured or abandoned animals. 

Felix is usually quiet in the car, except for a few inaudible whispers now and then. It’s strange, I won’t lie. He’s very strange. But he’s sweet. 

“You help injured animals.” 

I’m not sure whether it’s a question or statement so I just nod. “I have a soft spot for them,” I tell him. 

“I like animals,” he says, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “But people…”

“People are a lot more complicated than animals,” I agree with a chuckle. I get the feeling that he doesn’t hang out around people very much. 

“Do you have a lot of friends?” he asks me.

“Umm…” I shrug. “A few close friends.”

“I always wanted a best friend,” he gives me a rueful smile. “Do you have one?”

I feel a pang as I’m reminded of Jeongin. “I do. But he’s… He’s sort of missing.”

“Oh,” Felix looks at me with wide eyes. “Did you look for him?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “Everywhere we could think of.”

“Well,” Felix looks at me with sympathy, “from the detective stories I read, I learned that you should always look twice in every place.”

“Oh yeah?” I raise my eyebrows in amusement. “I’ll remember that.”

“And it’s better than just waiting for them to show up, I guess,” he chuckles. “So you should look twice. Everywhere you’ve checked, check again. You should check again.”

I give him a smile. “That’s not a bad idea.”

“Here we are,” I say when the car rolls to a stop outside his house. “I hope you come by the shelter again!”

“Of course,” his smile widens. “The puppies…” he says as he opens the car door. “Maybe… Maybe one day me and…” he shakes his head, before giving me a panicked look. “Have a good day,” he nods in my direction as he jumps out of the car. “And… thank you.”

 _Yes, he’s strange_. I want to ask if something is bothering him, but I don’t want to seem intrusive. So instead, I say, “I hope your brother can visit the shelter soon too. Tell him I said hi.”

Felix nods and waves goodbye as I start the car engine again. There’s something off about him. But it’s none of my business.


	22. Present - Felix

There’s twenty minutes before Chan gets back from work. I need to hurry. I set off on a jog up the hill towards our house. Of course, I can’t let Jisung know where we really stay. Chan would be angry if he found out. Chan would be angry if he found out a lot of things. That’s why I shouldn’t be hiding a lot of things.  _ But I am. _

I can barely breathe when I enter our yard and I have to pause for a moment to catch my breath. I make my way to the old oak tree at the side of the house. It’s helped me a lot, this tree has. I pat its trunk endearingly, before grabbing one of the branches and swinging myself up. I know my way well now.

I climb higher and higher, until I can see straight through my room window. It takes a bit of skill to walk across a branch to my window. Carefully, I put one foot in front of the other until I reach the ledge, victorious. 

It’s been a year since Chan had these awful aluminium sliding windows installed all over the house. It was easier to pick the locks on the old ones. These ones are trickier, but with some hair oil and a screwdriver I stole from the guy who installed the TV cable, I’ve managed. I remove the piece of cardboard that I slipped under the window, making sure to wedge my fingers underneath. I use all my strength to heave the heavy panes upward. I clamber inside, letting the window fall shut again.

I glance at the clock on my desk. He’ll be here in five minutes. I move a few of my things around, scattering a few books, and loose sheets of paper. I mess up my bed covers, before lying down and placing my game console next to me. I push a few buttons so the sound of the game fills the room.

Soon enough, I hear his footsteps on the wooden floorboards. I can’t help the shiver that runs down my spine when I hear the sound of the key twisting in the lock. Then I hear him sliding the wooden panel up. Now he’s punching the passcode into the hidden keypad. I wonder what kind of mood he’s in.

“Lix,” he says, and I breathe a sigh of relief, because if he calls me Lix it means that he isn’t angry.

I sit up and give him a smile. “Channie, how was work?”

“Not so bad,” he smiles fondly and sits at the edge of the bed. “What did you do today?” he asks, smoothing down a tuft of my hair.

“Oh just… drawing, games,” I lie. “And umm exercise. Yes, exercise,” I tell him. Exercise is the only excuse I have for my sweaty odour. I can’t tell him that I left the house and took a three hour walk to the city to see my Binnie. I can  _ never _ tell him that.

He studies me for a few seconds before nodding in satisfaction. His eyes scan the room and I’m suddenly fearful. He knows something is off. He knows. He  _ knows _ . What do I do?

“You haven’t eaten anything,” he says, finally, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

My eyes flicker to the desk where the snacks and meals he prepared for me in the morning sit untouched. “I...” I struggle to think of an excuse.

“Why haven’t you eaten, Felix?” His gaze is piercing, and I clutch the blanket tightly to stop my fingers from trembling. 

“I… I had a stomach ache,” I say quickly. “I felt too sick to eat.”

I glance at him to see if he believes the lie, but his face is impassive. What is he thinking?

Slowly he brings a hand up to my forehead, checking for a fever. “Next time,” he says lowering his hand, “don’t exercise when you feel ill.”

I nod. “Yes, Channie.”

“It’s time for your bath,” he says standing up. “You’ll eat when you’re done and I’ll be giving you some medication for that stomach ache.”

Oh no.  _ More pills _ . I should have thought of a better excuse.

I follow him out into the hallway and he watches me enter the bathroom. I know the rules. Door stays open and I have to knock when I’m done. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I know it’s for my own safety. Chan says that my worst danger is myself.

I look longingly at the bathtub I’m not allowed to use anymore. Oh well, a shower is better than nothing. I just miss using bubbles.

I turn on the water and I’m briefly annoyed that it won’t warm to a higher temperature. But I suppose it’s for my own safety. I close my eyes, letting the warm droplets spray onto my skin. For a moment, my senses are dulled. I can’t hear the water anymore, I can’t feel the warmth, I can’t smell the lavender soap. But in the distance, I begin to hear them. 

_  “Pancakes! Can we make pancakes?” _

_ “With chocolate?” _

_ “Why does everything need chocolate?” _

_ “Chocolate is the best.” _

_ “Lix is right!” _

_ “No, he’s not!” _

_ “I want blueberries.” _

_ “I want strawberries!” _

_ “I want both.” _

_ “Mom look, Lix and Channie stole all the chocolate!” _

_ “Chan! Felix!” _

I hear the laughter fade away and I try to make it last, just a moment longer. But it’s gone. The last bit of orange dye flows into the drain and I wonder if Chan will let me dye my hair again. He says that I have no need to be so concerned with my appearance. But I want Changbin to like my hair. I want him to like  _ everything _ about me. Of course my brother will never know that.

I wrap myself in a towel and tap on the open door. Chan appears, giving me a small smile. He runs his fingers through my wet hair, checking that I’ve washed all the conditioner out. I forget sometimes.

“Back to your room,” he tells me, unlocking my bedroom door. “Dry your hair, change into something warm and I’ll be back.”

I don’t know why he’s telling me all this. It’s always the same thing. I guess he just wants to say something to me. 

I step into my room and look back at him. “Pancakes,” I smile. “Can we make pancakes?”

 

Chan takes me into the kitchen and I scowl. He’s in there. “I have to make pancakes with  _ him _ ?”

“Yes,” Chan sits down at the counter. “But you know what? I don’t think he knows how. Why don’t you show him, Lix?”

He doesn’t look up from the vegetables he’s cutting. I wish I didn’t have to look at him. I wish Chan kept him in the basement forever.

“Okay,” I say, not because I want to, but because I know I don’t have a choice. 

“Jeongin,” Chan says, and his head snaps up. “Do whatever Felix wants you to do.”

He pushes his vegetables aside while I get the ingredients from the cupboard and the fridge, placing them on the counter. I don’t think I’ve forgotten anything.

“Flour first,” I say. “But… how much?” I look at Chan for help.

“However much you think there should be, Lix,” Chan says with a smile.

I return his smile, and look at Jeongin. “Empty half of the bag into the mixing bowl.”

He gives me a questioning look. “I think there’s pancake recipe in the book –”

“Jeongin!” Chan snaps, and he jumps in fright. “Did I not tell you to do whatever Felix wants you to do?”

“I’m sorry,” Jeongin says quickly, emptying the flour into the large glass bowl.

I instruct him on the steps to follow. Eggs next, and then milk and then… “Chocolate!” I grin at Chan. “We have to put a lot of chocolate in!”

I make Jeongin break the slabs of chocolate into pieces before microwaving it in a smaller bowl with some milk. I wiggle my shoulders in excitement when the chocolate comes out of the microwave all hot and gooey.

“Don’t burn your fingers,” Chan warns me as I resist the temptation to eat straight out of the bowl. 

“Put it all in,” I tell Jeongin.

He begins to spoon the chocolate into the pancake mixture.

“No!” I stop him and he looks at me with wide eyes.

I smile. “Use your fingers.”

There’s a slight hesitation and he looks at Chan for a few seconds. The fiery look in Chan’s eyes is enough to make him obey me and it’s delightful. 

He gasps when his fingers first make contact with the hot melted chocolate. His hand quivers as he begins to empty the chocolate into the mixture. Red blisters begin to decorate his fingers. They must be painful. A single tear runs down his cheek.

 “You used your fingers,” I say and Jeongin looks at me in confusion. “How can I eat this now?”

“But you said…” he furrows his brows, his eyes filled with fear.

“You’re dirty! I can’t eat this now!” I take the bowl and I fling it onto the floor, the glass shattering and the contents spilling onto the floor.

Chan stands up and ruffles my hair, giving me a smile. “Let Jeongin clean up and then I’ll make you some pancakes.”


	23. Present - Jeongin

I can still feel the cold metal of the cuffs even though they’re no longer on me. But he left them on the kitchen counter as a reminder of what awaits when I’m done with my task. I’m tempted to use the knife for a purpose other than cutting vegetables, but I know I won’t stand a chance against him. It’s not like I didn’t try the first time he let me out of the basement. But I’ve learned my lesson.

It’s been five days since I woke up down there. He hasn’t told me his reason for doing it and I’ve stopped asking. Maybe he doesn’t have a reason. Maybe he’s just one of those crazy doctors you read about in those crime novels.

I look down at the mushroom that was supposed to be in perfect 2mm thin slices. While the pile of mushrooms to my right had been sliced perfectly, I was clumsy with this one. I suppose that I could blame it on my bandaged hand – Felix was especially awful today. There’s an injection of pain every time I move my hand and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying out in pain. There’s also the matter of what Chan will do once he sees this mushroom.

“What is this, Jeongin?” he asks over my shoulder and I feel his icy glare turn my blood cold. “What the hell is this?”

I start to shiver and the knife clutters to the chopping board. “Chan, I’m s-sorry. I –”

 He takes the imperfectly sliced mushroom and flings it onto the floor. I’ll be cleaning that up soon. “One more mistake and you’ll be down there for a month – understand?” he asks, his fingers tightening their grip on my hair.

“Yes, Chan” I squeaked out. “I’ll do it perfectly.”

He relents, letting go of my hair and I resume with the task. Honestly, I should have been more careful. He’s had me perfecting these three recipes for the past five days. I should be able to do it without making any mistakes. 

“I need the bathroom,” I say after slicing the last mushroom. “Please.” I turn to look at him. I hate looking at him. He doesn’t smile anymore. His eyes are always filled with disgust, as though the sight of me sickens him. It doesn’t make sense. This isn’t the man I first met. 

With a tilt of his head he gestures to the kitchen doorway. I quickly make my way to the bathroom in the nearest hallway. I don’t try to escape because I know he keeps every door locked shut. I tried two days ago and I got starved until this morning. 

I didn’t really need the bathroom. I just needed to get away from him for a few seconds. I glance at the small window above the toilet. It’s bolted shut and the frame is aluminium, teasing me with a glimpse of freedom. I wonder how hard I’d have to hit it for the glass to shatter. I sigh, knowing my hands would probably break first. 

I flush the toilet, before making my way back to the kitchen. My bathroom breaks are only three minutes. If I take longer he’ll just drag me out by my hair. But I should be grateful that he lets me out of the basement. Poor Seungmin doesn’t get let out at all. I still don’t know much about him, to be honest. 

You’d think that after all the hours we spent locked down there together we’d know each other quite well by now. But Seungmin seems quite secretive. Besides his name, he hasn’t given me much information about himself. I, on the other hand, have told him my entire history. I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t speak to someone. Or maybe I’ve already gone crazy and this is all some kind of strange delusion.  _ I wish _ .

Chan inspects the vegetables before I’m allowed to move on to the next step of the recipe. And when I’ve cooked the perfect bouillabaisse he nods in approval. 

I glare at him in contempt as he empties the contents of the pot into the trashcan. “Dessert now,” he says, taking a seat.

And I turn to page 264 in the cookbook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting for my updates <3
> 
> [Twitter](%E2%80%9C) 


	24. Present - Woojin

I glance at my reflection in the mirror before jumping out of the car. I  _ think _ I look good. I’m not overdressed, but I don’t look like I just got out of bed either. We originally planned on meeting at that barbeque place he loves so much, but something came up and he had to schedule our date for a little later. 

We decided to meet at the beachfront. A moonlit walk on the beach is more romantic anyway, I think. I spot him straightaway in the car park. He’s seated on his car bonnet, staring up at the sky. God, he’s  _ gorgeous _ . 

“Anything interesting up there?”

He lets out a low chuckle before turning to look at me, but remains seated. “It’s peaceful,” he smiles. 

“It is,” I nod as I sit beside him. I hold out the single red rose and he gives me a quiet smile as he twirls it between his fingers, staring at the red petals. My view of the sky is obscured as he lifts himself up and hovers over me. He cups my cheek before pressing our lips together. He rests them against mine, and they begin to glide, gently, softly. 

“Shall we take a walk?”

“Let’s go,” I smile. 

We tread lightly on the sand, enjoying the breeze as we walk along the shoreline, hand in hand. We’ve discarded our shoes in favour of feeling the wet sand beneath our feet. 

“I like this,” he says, looking out at the waves.

“Me too,” I agree. “I wish we could do this more often.”

“We can,” he gives me a sideways glance, and I’m aware of the implications behind his words.

“I’m still thinking about it, Channie,” I chuckle. It’s just too soon for me to move in with him. It’s way too soon. It’s ridiculous to even think of moving in with him so soon. But then again, I can’t deny it any longer – I think I’m in love with him.

Two months ago, I met Chan at a park not so far away from the hospital where he works. He was walking by with his brother, Felix. Watching them reminded me of Seungmin. I just had to say hello. And hello turned into more. 

My chest hurts at the thought of my brother. His phone is switched off. In his last text to me he said that he’d be jetting off to Egypt on some kind of photography expedition and that his phone number wouldn’t be in use anymore. I was still angry at him, so I didn’t even reply. I just wish I knew if he was alright.

“What’s wrong?” Chan asks looking at me in concern.

“Just thinking of Seungmin,” I sigh. “I hope he’s alright.”

Chan gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sure he’s fine. He’s old enough to take care of himself. I’m sure he just needs some… time alone.”

I nod. “You’re right.”

He sighs and I look at him curiously. “Is something wrong?”

He smiles at me. “Just thinking… Sometimes I just wish that things didn’t have to be the way they are. I wish I didn’t have to do the things I do.”

“Is being a doctor that stressful?” I laugh.

“You have no idea,” he gives me a wry smile. “Want to check out that bar?” he asks, pointing to the cocktail bar on the beachfront.

It’s crowded, as is every bar on a Saturday night. RnB music blares from the speakers and we have to shout at the barman for our orders to be heard. The bar itself is too crowded so we scan the place for a free table. 

My eyes find something else –  _ someone _ else. “Oh god,” I murmur.

It’s Hyunjin and he’s obviously very drunk. He’s standing on top of a table, an arm around some woman, and a beer bottle in the other hand. 

“What is it?” Chan asks me.

“That’s Hyunjin, a friend of mine,” I explain, gesturing to Hyunjin. We find a table and sit for a few minutes. I keep my eye on Hyunjin, noticing how he’s getting more drunk with every passing minute. I’ve already texted Minho. I hope he’ll be here soon.

 “Wait here,” I sigh, when Hyunjin nearly falls off the table.

I approach Hyunjin’s table and he laughs when he sees me. “Woojin! Come on up!” he slurs.

I shake my head. “Hyunjin, let me take you home. You’re really drunk.”

“No!” he refuses, pulling the woman closer and beginning to dance.

“Do you need to get him home?” Chan asks, appearing at my shoulder.

“Yeah but I don’t think he  _ wants _ to go home,” I frown. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t just leave him here.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Chan reassures me. I watch in awe as he beckons to the stranger, whispering something into her ear. He hands the woman a wad of cash and she abruptly jumps off the table and heads towards the bar, leaving Hyunjin alone with Chan and I.

Hyunjin jumps off the table, almost losing his balance. Unphased, he grins, giving Chan a flirty look. “You want to dance?”

Chan shoots me an apologetic glance, mouthing ‘I’m sorry’ before nodding. “Sure,” he smiles at Hyunjin. “But how about we dance at your place?”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “I’m not going home,” he glares at us. 

“Hyunjin, buddy, just listen,” Chan places a hand on his shoulder but he shrugs it off.

“Leave me alone,” he murmurs, trying to walk away, but Chan grips his arm.

I want to tell Chan to be careful of Hyunjin, but I’m surprised when Hyunjin isn’t able to free himself from Chan’s grip. He’s strong then.

“We’re taking you home,” Chan says, firmly.

“Let go of me,” Hyunjin growls.

But Chan only grips his arm tighter. “No, listen to me.”

“Let go of him.”

Minho strides towards us and Chan removes his hand immediately. I would too, if I saw the deadly look in Minho’s eyes. He gives Chan a discerning look before casting a reproachful glance at me, and finally turning his attention to Hyunjin.


	25. Present - Minho

I don’t care that he’s Woojin’s date. I don’t care that he’s trying to help. The way he gripped Hyunjin’s arm is unacceptable. And I hope he realizes that from my icy stare. I see the haughty look on his face and I just want to punch it away. 

I remember my purpose for being there, and I turn my attention to Hyunjin. I want to yell at him and punch him for sitting in a bar while I’m the one out looking for Jeongin. But I soften when I see the exhaustion on his face.

“Jinnie, what are you doing?” I sigh, scrunching my nose at the odour of stale beer. “Why are you here?”

“Just enjoying myself,” he mutters, looking away. 

“ _ Enjoying _ yourself?” I raise my eyebrows. “Let’s just go,” I tell him. “You can stay at my place tonight.”

But he shakes his head. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not fine!” I snap. “You can barely stand, Hyunjin!” I place a hand on his cheek. “Please, just come with me.”

He lifts his eyes to mine, but quickly looks away, like a child being scolded. That’s what he is – childish.

“If he wants to stay…” Woojin begins, but I shoot him a glare.

“He’s coming home with me,” I say firmly.

Hyunjin throws his hands up in defeat. “Fine, let’s just fucking go.”

I nod in Woojin’s direction, giving his date another glare before I place my arm around Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

I help him out of the bar, ignoring the stares and whispers that follow us. We’ve just reached my car and I’m fishing my keys out of my pocket when I hear a violent retching sound.  _ For fuck’s sakes. _

I can’t decide what’s more disgusting – the smell of his vomit, or the sight of it on his once white shirt. “You’re not getting in my car with that on,” I warn. “Take it off.”

I wait patiently for him to fumble with the first few buttons of his shirt before just impatiently yanking it open, a few buttons cluttering onto the tar. He pouts, his alcohol-riddled brain deciding what to do with the soiled shirt. Making up his mind, he just drops it onto the ground, shrugging at me.

That’ll do. I inwardly sigh as I unlock the car. “Get in, Hyunjin.”

Once we’re seated in the car, it’s easier for me to see his bare arms. A blotchy red ring around the circumference of his arm, serves as a memory of Woojin’s date. It makes me want to go in and pummel him. I never got his name, I realize. 

I glance at Hyunjin who’s resting his head against the window. I suppose getting him home is more of a priority right now. But my phone rings.

I bristle at the name of the contact.  _ What does he want? He shouldn’t be calling me _ . But maybe he’s heard from Jeongin! I quickly answer. 

“Jisung? Did you hear from Jeongin?”

There’s a pause before I hear his sigh. “Hello to you too, Minho,” I hear the annoyance in his voice. “No, I haven’t heard from him. But I did remember something. I don’t know whether it’ll be of any help but…”

My eyes light up. “Anything can help!” I reassure him.

“Well,” he begins, “A little while ago, I went by the store to see Jeongin and he wasn’t there. So I waited around. And then I saw him come out of the hospital,” Jisung says, and I can hear the concern in his voice. 

I’m concerned too.  _ Jeongin was ill? _ “What was he doing there?” I question. “Did you ask?”

“Yeah, he said something about a back ache,” Jisung explains. “But that seems like a strange reason to go to the hospital.”

“Back ache…” I hum as I think about it. “It could be that it was something more serious and he just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Maybe…” Jisung sighs. “I miss him.”

“Me too,” I whisper. “I’ll talk to you soon,” I clear my throat. “I need to talk to Hyunjin.”

“Well, umm… See you around,” Jisung says softly, and it almost sounds like a question. Why does he always do this?

“Have a good night, Jisung,” I say before hanging up.

I look at Hyunjin. He seems a bit alert after hearing Jeongin’s name, but he’s still very much drunk. I still want to know.

“Was Jeongin sick?” I ask him. “Sick enough to go to the hospital?”

He looks at me with wide eyes, shaking his head.

But there’s one more question I need to ask. “Did you hurt him?”

“What the fuck?” Hyunjin glares at me angrily. “What the fuck, Minho?”

I bite my lip. “It wouldn’t be the first time, would it?”


	26. Past - Minho

I remember it clearly – the first time I saw this kid. It was obvious that he’d been through hell and back, yet he’d still somehow maintained his naivety and innocence. Wherever he followed Hyunjin, he had a wide smile on his face – oh, except when he had to go to the dentist. I’ve lost count of the number of times Hyunjin and I have had to drag him into the dentist’s room.

I stand in the doorway, just observing him. I have been for a while now. That sounds creepy. But I’m not trying to be creepy. I used to think of him as that little kid, until a year ago when Hyunjin told me that Jeongin won’t sleep in the same bed as him anymore. It was obvious why. And I didn’t mean to, but I started paying more attention to Jeongin after that.

It was easy to see the changes – his attitude, his mannerisms, his dressing. Yeah, he’s definitely grown up a lot. I try to suppress my grin when I see the necklace dangling around his neck. I bought it a while ago, and wanted to give that to him myself, but it wouldn’t be right. He doesn’t like me. I know it. He blames me for Hyunjin being away all the time. But I’m not the one calling the shots – he doesn’t understand that. I’d explain how it works if I was allowed to.

His fingers play with the silver fox pendant, making it swing side to side like a pendulum. I’m glad that I convinced Hyunjin to take the necklace from me. I didn’t want to sell it to him, but I knew he wouldn’t accept it otherwise. So I lied to him. I told him that it was cheap costume jewellery I had lying around, not worth more than a few coins. 

“Hyunjin will be back for you soon,” I tell Jeongin, who just shrugs in response. 

When Hyunjin works during the day, he makes Jeongin come to my apartment after school. It’s not that Jeongin can’t go home by himself – but Hyunjin can be overprotective, and hates the idea of Jeongin being alone with his parents. It’ll be better when the three of us move into our new apartment – only a month left until moving day. 

“It’s not like he cares about me anyway,” Jeongin mutters, sitting back against the couch.

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. He usually doesn’t say so many words to me. This is great. “He does care about you,” I reassure the young male, taking a seat next to him.

Jeongin glares at me from beneath much-too-long raven bangs. “What do  _ you _ know? Nothing.”

“There’s no need to be so rude,” I sigh in disappointment. “I know you hate me, but I’m just trying to have a conversation.”

He brushes his bangs to the side, studying me. “You think I hate you?”

I shrug. “Seems like it.”

He begins to look annoyed – well, more so than he was a few seconds ago. “It’s not that,” he frowns. “It’s just – I – Hyunjin…”

I tilt my head, waiting for him to string together a coherent sentence.

“Hyunjin likes you more than he likes me.”

That wasn’t what I was expecting. “Jeongin, why the fu – hell would you think that?”

“It’s obvious,” he scowls, his voice rising in anger. “When he needs something, anything, you’re the first one he calls.  _ You _ …  _ You _ take him places.  _ You _ buy him stuff.”

“Jeongin…”

“And I – I can’t do any of that, Minho,” he lowers his voice again, the sadness evident in his pout. “I can’t do anything for him. And that’s why he likes you more.”

“He likes me,” I agree, earning a glare from the young boy. “But he  _ loves  _ you.”

Jeongin sits back against the couch, processing my words, or thinking about a TV show – I can’t really tell. 

“You don’t love someone for what they do for you, or what they buy for you,” I explain. “It just – it just happens. And when you love someone, it makes you want to do everything for them. It makes you want to give them the world – even if they’re an ungrateful brat, sitting on a couch and whining.”

He shoots me an angry glare, and is about to argue, when the front door opens.  _ Hyunjin _ .

“Hey,” I smile when he enters, but the anger visible on his face makes me quickly stand up. I place a hand on his shoulder. “Hyunjin, what’s up?”

But Hyunjin shrugs off my hand and stands in front of Jeongin, who looks up at him with narrowed eyes.

“What?” he shrugs, and I cringe, because I know it’s a bad idea to speak to Hyunjin like that when he’s already so riled up.

“What is this?” Hyunjin holds his phone up. “What the fuck is this Jeongin?”

I don’t know what stuns me more – the fact that Hyunjin broke his own ‘no swearing in front of Jeongin rule’, or the photos displayed on his phone.

Several photos have been uploaded onto Facebook by Jeongin’s friends. And by the looks of things, they had some kind of party. In a few of the photos Jeongin can be seen surrounded by alcohol bottles.  _ Oh, that’s the good stuff too. _

“You snuck out to a party while I was at work last weekend?” Hyunjin accuses him. “How could you do that?”

To my horror, Jeongin begins to laugh.  _ Fuck. _ Hyunjin is going to lose it.

“The same way  _ you  _ always do,” Jeongin says, amused. “Out the window.”

Hyunjin runs his fingers through his hair in frustration, his jaw twitching in anger. “Jeongin –”

“Why can’t I enjoy myself, Hyunjin?”

“Enjoy yourself like  _ this _ ?” Hyunjin throws the phone onto the couch. “You’re too young to be out that late. You’re too young to be getting drunk at parties.”

“You should try it sometime,” Jeongin snickers. “I recommend the vodka. They all enjoyed it.”

“I’m so fucking tired!” Hyunjin kicks the leg of the coffee table, causing it to collapse. Its fine, I guess. Replaceable. “Where’d you all even get money for that?”

“Oh, it’s your money,” Jeongin says simply. “The money you give me out of guilt for not being around so much.”

I gape at him.  _ What the fuck? _ This kid has nerve.

“You’re using my money for that kind of thing?” Hyunjin asks, and this time I catch the hurt in his voice.

“Yeah, so what?” Jeongin stands up, making his way to the door. “If it makes you feel better, I just bought the stuff for my friends. I didn’t actually drink any. But you know what?” He turns to look at Hyunjin. “Maybe we’re gonna have another party tonight – and I  _ will _ drink this time.”

He turns to head out, but Hyunjin grabs hold of him and before I can stop him, he slams Jeongin against the wall. “Hyunjin, no!”

Jeongin cries out in surprise, his eyes wide.

“You’re not going anywhere!” Hyunjin is shaking with anger, his hands firmly gripping Jeongin’s arms. “Do you understand?”

“Hyunjin, it hurts!” Jeongin tries and fails to push him away.

“That’s enough,” I say sternly, wrenching Hyunjin away from Jeongin. “That’s enough.” I grip his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “Do you really want to hurt, Jeongin?” I ask in a whisper. “Your Jeongin?”

Slowly, the rage in his eyes begins to turn into regret as the realization dawns. “Fuck,” he murmurs, glancing at Jeongin who has tears streaming down his face, a hand clutching his shoulder where it had struck the wall.

“Jeongin,” he crouches beside the boy who now sits on the floor, quietly sobbing into his hands. “Innie, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I… I’m sorry,” he pleads for forgiveness, but Jeongin refuses to look at him. 

“G-go away,” Jeongin manages. “Just g-go.”

“Hyunjin, I got this,” I say, kneeling beside Jeongin. “Go,” I urge him. “I’ll take care of this.”

He nods, tears spilling down his own cheeks. I catch hold of his hand. “It’s going to be okay,” I reassure him before he leaves.

I give Jeongin a few minutes to calm down before asking if I can take care of his shoulder. I wince when I see the wound. The bruise is beginning to turn purple. Jeongin yelps when I apply some salve to the wound.

“It’s the first time he’s done something like that. I made him really angry.”

“I know,” I tell him. “He was really upset, but that’s no excuse,” I add. But I know Hyunjin – he won’t do it again. “He won’t let this happen again. He won’t.”

I’m taken by surprise when Jeongin lays his head against my chest, and begins to quietly sob again. I wrap my hands around him, pulling him onto my lap. His slender body is warm and trembling. “It’ll be alright, Innie,” I soothe. “I’m here for you, always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	27. Present - Jeongin

I realize now why Chan had me perfecting those recipes. He’s having colleagues over for dinner. At first I think that I’m just meant to cook, and then he’ll shove me back in the basement again. But he surprised me when he said, in a very cheery voice, “You’re joining me for dinner, Jeongin.”

I was shocked. I still am. I mean, he’s not stupid. I know he’s not _. So how can he think that I’ll actually keep my mouth shut in front of everyone? _ I don’t understand this game he’s playing. I want to believe that he really is stupid enough to think I won’t tell people what a monster he is. But something tells me I need to be cautious. I need to stick to my plan. I need to remember that I have a plan!

I’m not going to say anything to them immediately. First, I’m going to assess what kind of people they are. For all I know, they could be a bunch of psychopaths getting together for a monthly psychopath meeting. I’ll just stay quiet until the main course. And then I’ll tell everyone the truth about the monster that has been holding me captive.

I’m trying not to look too excited. I’m trying not to look hopeful. I don’t want him to change his mind about letting me out of the basement.

I glance at my reflection in the kitchen window. He allowed me a longer bath today. It feels good to be clean. He also let me change out of the slacks and t-shirt I’ve been wearing for the past week. I’m dressed in plain black jeans and a long-sleeved white woollen sweater that hangs on my body. It makes me look… frail. These aren’t my clothes – I left everything of mine behind. But I know these clothes wouldn’t fit Chan or Felix either. So it means that he probably bought them for me – not out of kindness, I understand that much. So what are his intentions?

I hear the doorbell and my pulse quickens. Oh god _. Oh god _ . Here we go. It takes everything in me to not go screaming like a madman. I clutch the counter, trying to steady my breathing. Passing out wouldn’t do me any good.

I hear a murmur of voices – men and woman. He’s escorting them to the dining room. My throat feels dry. I need to get out of here. I need to tell them. But  _ no _ . I need to stick to my plan. I hear his footsteps and I straighten.

“You’re going to behave, Jeongin,” he says, and I hear the threat in his voice. “There will be consequences if you don’t.”

And now, more than ever, I want to run into the dining room and bellow out the truth.

“Let’s start with the first course in fifteen minutes, yes?” he raises his eyebrows and I nod.

I set out the canapés I made earlier on a silver tray, and I put the last touches to dinner. Chan is very particular about etiquette. He made me read an entire guide on it. I quickly whisk the egg whites that are waiting in a bowl into peaks, and add them into the soufflé mixture that I prepared earlier. 

As I spoon the mixture into ramekins, I glance anxiously at the clock. I place everything in the oven, taking note of the exact time. A wave of panic overtakes me that I may not have everything done in time but I remember my plan. I only need to survive until the main course. 

In the dining room, a fire burns steadily in the antique grate. Everything looks shiny and new because I’ve cleaned away every speck of dust. Several heads – and I count ten, including Chan and Felix – turn to look my way as I enter with the canapés.

“Oh, so  _ this _ is Jeongin,” one of the women smiles at me.

I smile back politely, setting the tray on the table. I take a quick peek at everyone else. I recognize one – the one that I met when I first came over – Changbin, I think?

But I feel another surge of panic when Chan stands and makes his way over to me.

“Everyone,” he places a hand on my back, and it feels heavy. “This is Jeongin – my fiancé.”

_ His what? _ I turn to look at Chan who seems perfectly happy, perfectly normal, and is looking at me like I’m the strange one.

There’s a chorus of ‘nice to meet you’ and ‘I’ve heard a lot about you’ and ‘I can see why Chan is so happy these days’. 

To hell with this. I can’t wait until the main course is served.

“This man is a monster!” I tell them, pulling away from Chan. “He’s a  _ monster! _ ”

“Jeongin,” Chan warns, the expression on his face is unreadable.

I look around at the guests but they’re still seated. Neither of them look surprised. In fact, they look… sympathetic? 

“He’s been keeping me captive!” I try again, looking at them in desperation. “He – he keeps me locked up. He doesn’t want me to leave! You have to help me!” No one budges and a small voice in my head tells me that it’s futile.  _ No one is going to help me. _

A greying man shakes his head sadly. “Such a pity, Chan. Such a pity.”

“I see what you mean now,” another woman says, looking at me like I’m some kind of specimen.

“Do you need help, Chan?” the one I recognise, Changbin, stands up.

Chan waves him away. “I got this,” he reassures him.

But I don’t understand. “Why aren’t you helping me?” I ask them, tears falling freely down my cheeks. “Are you all like him?” They are. Of course they are. “You’re all psychopaths! Monsters!”

“That’s enough, Jeongin, baby,” Chan sighs.

“ _ Baby _ ?” I give him a look of disgust. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare pretend that I’m anyone to you!”

“Sweetheart, you’ve obviously forgotten to take your medication,” he gives me a chastising look that makes me feel as though I’m being scolded by a parent.

“I – I don’t take medication,” I shake my head. I know what he’s trying to do. “I’m not sick,” I tell everyone. “He’s lying to you! Listen, can someone please call the police? Call them and tell them that this man has taken me captive!”

He takes a step towards me and I immediately start to back away. Did he lock the front door? Will I make it there in time?

But I feel another pair of hands on my shoulders, holding me firmly in place. 

“Jeongin,” Changbin says, “You need to let Chan help you, okay?”

“No!” I scream. “Let me go! I need to go! Please!” I beg, sobbing so hard that I fall to my knees.

“Thank you, Changbin,” Chan says. “Let me take him to our room.”

This has to be a bad dream. It can’t be real. I want to wake up now. I begin to drag my nails across my arms in the desperate hope that the pain will wake me up from this nightmare.

“Sweetheart, stop hurting yourself,” Chan purrs and it only makes me cry harder.

I’m blinded by my tears as Chan lifts me into his arms. No one does anything despite my wails and cries for help. I try to grasp onto the furniture – the cabinets, the curtains, the doorframe, but he wrenches me away, out of sight.

Chan pushes me into one of the guest bedrooms, locking the door behind us. He clamps a hand over my mouth, stifling the scream that tears through me. 

“Did you enjoy that whole fiasco I set up for you?” he asks, his face set inches from mine. ‘I enjoyed it  _ so _ much. We’ve accomplished so much today, you and I. You’ve just proved in front of all my colleagues – who, let me remind you, are doctors – that you’re unstable. I’ve been telling them about you for a while now – about how I’m in love with this young schizophrenic. You’ve played right into my hands, Jeongin, as I’ve expected.”

_ This entire dinner was a setup _ . My legs give out, and he lets me slide to the floor. I’m never getting out of here. I know it now. No matter how loud I scream, no matter what I accuse him of… They’ll never believe me. They’ll never act on the words of a crazy person.

Crazy. They think I’m crazy. And I think I’m going crazy.

I let out a shrill scream.


	28. Present - Changbin

The screaming from upstairs puts us all on edge. I feel so sorry for Chan. I can’t imagine what it’s like for him to go through this every single day. He must really love Jeongin to put up with it. 

“He’ll be a good husband,” one of our colleagues says. “He’s very caring.”

I have to agree with that. Caring for someone like Jeongin can’t be easy. I suppose that’s the reason Felix doesn’t want to tell Chan about us. He doesn’t need more stress. 

I glance at Felix now. He’s sitting a seat away from me, staring down at his plate. He hasn’t said anything except a soft ‘hello’ since I got here. I wish he’d say more. I miss his voice. I miss him. But I understand. He isn’t fond of people.

I reach into my coat pocket for the note I wrote at home. Now is as good a time as any. The elderly doctor who sits between us is oblivious as I reach behind him, prodding Felix’s side with the note until his small fingers close around it.

I watch him hunch over the note, his eyes widening as he takes in my words. When his eyes meet mine, his gaze is filled with apprehension, but his lips curve into a smile.

Chan returns a few minutes later. He looks flustered and embarrassed. I pat his shoulder sympathetically as he takes a seat and he shoots me a grateful smile. “I’m sorry for that,” he apologises to everyone. “But we can finally get started with dinner. I’m afraid my fiancé won’t be able to join us.”

We all reassure him that we understand completely. The food is amazing. I know he’d hired caterers for all his previous dinner parties, but everything today Chan admits was made by Jeongin.

“He made all of this for you,” he smiles. “He was quite excited to meet you all. But then…”

“Has he always been mentally ill?” One of our colleagues, a psychiatrist, questions Chan.

“He first showed signs of schizophrenia in his late teens,” Chan explains. “The medication helps most times…”

 

After dinner, our colleagues begin to depart, some in a pairs, others alone. Only I stay behind, like I usually do.

I agree to a glass of scotch and we sit in the living room. Felix and I sneak glances at each other. He’s sprawled on the couch, watching a movie that Chan suggested he watch.

I wonder when would be a good time to bring it up. I suppose now is the best time.

“Chan,” I clear my throat. “Are you still going to be a guest speaker at that medical conference this weekend?”

He looks at me in surprise. “Of course. I wouldn’t miss that. It’s a wonderful opportunity. You’re invited too, aren’t you? For the paediatric department? ”

“Yes,” I sigh. “I won’t be able to make it though. I promised my parents I’d visit them in Busan.”

“Oh,” Chan nods. “That’s too bad. The company would have been nice.”

“You’ll do great,” I smile, glancing at Felix. I might just miss the next conference too, and the one after. I wink at him and he grins at me.


	29. Present - Felix

I can’t believe we’re actually going to do this. I’m so afraid. But I’m also excited. I try to stay calm and not give anything away, just like he asked me to in the note. But it’s so hard. I mean, we’re going to spend time with each other outside of that silly café! It’s going to be perfect. I can’t wait.

My eyes are on the TV screen but I’m trying to focus on their conversation. Chan will definitely be going to that conference – that much has been decided. He’ll have no choice but to leave me home alone. That’s what he did before. 

An entire day and an entire night with Changbin – a dream come true. 

“You’re leaving already?” Chan asks, standing up with Changbin.

I immediately turn to look at them.

“Yeah, it’s quite a drive back to the city,” Changbin grimaces. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work, yeah?”

Chan claps him on the back. “Of course. Let me walk you out.”

Changbin meets my gaze and smiles. “It was nice seeing you again, Felix.”

I have to restrain myself from smiling too widely. I can feel heat creep into my cheeks and I hope that Chan doesn’t notice. “Y-you too,” I stammer, quickly looking away.

But as soon as they begin making their way to the front door, I stare after them. I wish I could be the one walking him out. I wish I could be with him without fearing for his life.

I’m still lost in thoughts of Changbin when Chan comes back in. He goes upstairs and returns moments later with Jeongin in his arms. He’s passed out. 

“Are you putting him back in the basement?” I ask as he passes.

“Yes,” Chan tells me. “Help me with the basement door, Felix.”

“Really?” I jump up at the opportunity. He hardly ever allows me to help out.

The keychain dangles from his fingers and he smiles at me as I remove it, showing him that I know the correct keys for the basement.

I use the big silver key to open the door, and a smaller ornate black key to open the iron wrought gate. 

“Stay up here,” Chan warns as he begins to descend the stairs with Jeongin.

It’s not fair. He hardly ever lets me see the prisoners being chained up. I haven’t heard the other one scream in a while. Maybe Chan is tired of him. Maybe I can make him scream soon. Yeah, that will be a good idea!

“Channie?” I ask when he comes back up.

“Yes, Lix?” he asks, as he begins to lock up.

“You don’t hurt Seungmin anymore. Can I do it for you?”

He stops and looks at me in surprise. “Oh, Lix,” he ruffles my hair and smiles at me fondly. “Come down with me and I’ll show you. He’s suffering, I promise.”

I get to go down today! What a lovely day! I follow him downstairs, the light from the main house illuminating the staircase. 

The first thing I see is Jeongin, still unconscious, and chained to the wall. Opposite him is Seungmin. But he’s barely recognizable. He only has his sweatpants on. He’s so thin that his ribcage is visible. His eyes flutter open but only for a moment until he closes them again. He’s lying on the floor, probably too weak to stay upright.

“You haven’t been feeding him,” I realize.

Chan nods. “The look on his brother’s face will be worth it when he sees him.”

“When is he arriving?” I ask excitedly. “You promised he’ll be here soon, but it’s taking so long!”

“Soon,” Chan reassures me, but there’s something unrecognizable in his eyes. Regret? No, Channie never regrets anything because he always thinks through things carefully. “Let’s go back up, Lix.”

We turn to leave when Seungmin’s chains rattle. We watch him try to sit up, but he just slumps back onto the ground. “Leave… Woojin… alone,” he manages to speak. 

Chan stares at him, and there’s that look in his eyes again.  _ How strange. _


	30. Present - Seungmin

He comes back into the basement without Felix. I stare at his feet, too tired to lift my eyes to his face. My body hurts inside and outside. It hurts so much and it’s been hurting for so long that I can’t remember what it was like to not feel pain. 

He crouches beside me, his dark eyes drinking in the state of me – filthy, bruised, sick. Unexpectedly, his arm cradles me, lifting me upright so that I’m sitting against the wall. I don’t know if I have the energy to stay upright. He lifts a glass to my mouth, and I’m surprised that I still have the sense to pause and question his change in behaviour before sipping on the water. 

He places a bowl on my lap – it contains some kind of soup. Again, I pause to think why he’s doing this before opening my mouth and allowing him to feed me. It tastes good, but maybe that’s just because I’ve been starving. 

When I’ve finished all the soup he stands up and silently makes his way back upstairs. He hasn’t said a word. But I wish he would. I wish he’d tell me about Woojin. I want to know how my brother is. I want to know how Woojin got involved with someone like him. But I can guess. 

Chan is manipulative, deceptive… I met him at a photography exhibition. We had a lot in common, or so I thought. We became friends – I mean, I thought he was my friend. We planned a trip to Egypt. I was supposed to meet him at his house where he was supposed to drive us to the airport. As soon as Felix opened the door, I knew I’d made a huge mistake. But it was too late. Everything went black and I woke up down here.

He’s been planning this for a while. I know who he is. I know why he’s doing this. 

I glance at Jeongin who’s splayed out on the floor. He doesn’t seem to be hurt – just unconscious. I know who he is too. I mean, he literally told me his entire life’s story. The moment he mentioned Hyunjin I knew it. It confirmed what I suspected –  _ neither of us is going to make it out of here alive.  _

Of course, I haven’t told Jeongin that. He’s just so… naïve. It’s obvious that he’s still in love with Chan. Every time Chan comes down here to unchain him, he has this hopeful look in his eyes, like Chan is just going to tell him it’s some kind of bad joke and everything will be alright again.

_ Nothing is going to be alright again.  _


	31. Present - Woojin

“Are you sure you have to go?” I ask him again, and I know I’m being clingy and annoying but I just hate that I won’t see him again until Monday. We’ve seen each other every day for the past three weeks – we’ve just gotten that close, I guess. 

“It’s just a matter of one day, baby,” Chan chuckles, squeezing my hand over the table. We’re in his favourite café. It’s kind of secluded, the kind of café you only know about if you’re one of the locals. His house is nearby, but I’ve yet to see it. I keep making excuses. I think I’m afraid that once I get used to the idea of being with him in a home environment, I’ll want it all the time – and the next thing I know, I’ll be moving in with him just like he wants me to. No, I can’t let that happen. I’m not ready. At least, I don’t think I’m ready.

“Where are you lost?” he asks, taking a sip of his lemonade, surveying me over the rim of the glass.

“Thinking,” I bite my lip. “Maybe… Maybe I should visit soon.” What am I saying? Did I really just –

“Really?” Chan has lit up like a Christmas tree. “You really want to visit? Are you sure?”

His excitement makes me excited, and I can’t help nodding. “I do.”

“Today? Right now?”

“What – Right now?” That’s not what I meant at all. I was thinking maybe I could make a visit in one of the coming weeks. “Okay.” Jesus, why did I say that? 

Chan’s already signalling to the waiter to bring our bill. I guess I have to go now. I  _ want _ to go. And that surprises me.

Okay, so I’m pretty high up in the hierarchy in Ty’s… empire (he hates when we call it a gang – he says it makes it sound uncouth). That means I earn extremely well. I’m not really lacking for anything. But Chan’s house – mansion, really – is amazing. It’s more than I imagined it would be.

And it’s so… dark. I mean, there’s a lot of light from the light fittings. But all the black décor makes it look pretty dark. I glance at him as he hangs up my coat. I know he tries a lot to seem happy and bubbly, but I’ve always sensed a loneliness, a profound sadness, just lurking beneath his skin. The inside of this house just confirms it. 

We’re not doing much. We’re just lying on the couch, holding hands and sharing a glass of wine between us. But it feels… It feels like so much  _ more _ than that. I was looking forward to seeing his brother again – he’s a sweet boy. But Chan says he’s out with friends. I realize that it’s a good thing anyway – we have the place to ourselves.

“I’ll miss you,” he says, and I look at him in surprise. He’s not very sentimental.

“You will?”

He holds my stare for a long second before slowly nodding, as though it’s just dawned on him. “Yes, I will.”

I laugh. “Like you said, baby, it’s just one day, right?”

His brows furrow slightly, and I see that sorrow etched in his eyes again – a sorrow so deep that it makes me want to dive into his soul just to wrench it out of him.

“I wish I could take your pain away,” I tell him. “I wish I could love you enough to take it all away.”

His eyes fill with tears, and it’s like his pain has increased tenfold. “Maybe you can,” he says, and his eyes widen like he himself is surprised by his words. “I love you.” It’s barely a whisper, but it ignites everything inside me.

“I love you too, Chan.”

 


	32. Present - Felix

This is awful – just  _ awful _ . I can hear Channie moving around downstairs. I know someone is with him, but I don’t know who. Chan took the whole week off from work because he has to prepare for that conference this weekend. That means I can’t sneak out to see Binnie. Chan does go out, but I never know for how long he’ll be gone, so I just can’t risk it.

I’ve been up here for two hours now. I don’t mind being up here. It’s nice. But I just want to know who’s down there. I look up from my book when I hear the keypad beep. My door opens and Chan smiles at me.

“I’m sorry, Lix,” he says, sitting down beside me. “I had an unexpected guest.”

“It’s okay,” I smile and brush off his apology. “Who was it, Channie? Someone from work?”

He hesitates for a moment, and I wonder why. “Yeah,” he smiles. “Just someone from work. They’re gone now.”

“Oh,” I hope I don’t look too disappointed. “I thought maybe… Maybe it’ll be Woojin.”

Chan’s eyes widen. “Oh… No, no. It wasn’t him. There’s still um… A lot of work to be done before we can get him into the basement.”

“But we’ll get him, right?” I ask. We have to. He has to suffer. They  _ all _ do. 

“Of course,” Chan ruffles my hair and stands up. “Want to watch TV while I cook?”

I nod and follow him out. I don’t really want to watch TV but it’ll be nice to stretch my legs for a bit.

I flop down onto the couch, but I can’t focus on the TV. That basement door keeps catching my attention. Woojin should have been down there by now. He should be screaming by now. But Chan hasn’t made it happen yet. He  _ promised. _ But it’s taking so long. I need Woojin to know. He has to know what it’s like to feel pain, to feel hopelessness, to feel dead.

“Felix!” Chan rushes to my side, prying the TV remote from my grip so I can stop bashing it against my head.

“Give it back!” I try to take it back but he doesn’t let me have it. “I want it back!”

“Lixie, it’s okay,” he tells me, inspecting my head. He won’t find blood. Maybe if I had something sharp… Sometimes I feel like digging my brain out of my head. He pulls me into his arms. “Please, Lix. Give me time.”

“You promised,” I say refusing to hug him back. “You said he’d be here by now. You said we’d make him suffer together. You said so. You promised.”

He murmurs soft, soothing words but today they don’t help.

“Don’t you remember?” I ask him. “Have you forgotten what they did? Have you forgotten  _ why _ we have to make them suffer?”

“I haven’t forgotten anything,” he tells me. “I promise we’ll make them suffer.” 

And his voice sounds so hoarse that I have to pull back to get a look at him.

He’s crying.  _ Why is he crying? _


	33. Present - Minho

Christ. He’s crying again. He’s been doing it spontaneously since he moved in. 

“Hyunjin,” I sigh, pushing the box of tissues towards him. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”

“I miss him,” Hyunjin sniffles.

_ Oh? _

“I miss him so much,” he blows his nose and I cringe at the sound. “I keep wondering whether it’s something I did.”

“Hyunjin, no,” I say firmly. “It’s not you. Remember his letter? He said as much, didn’t he?”

Hyunjin nodded. “Should I have seen it coming?”

“What? No,” I shake my head. “No one saw this coming.” I definitely didn’t. I actually thought he was happy with Hyunjin. Maybe if I wasn’t so blind, I could have done something.

“I want him to come back. We need to look for him – convince him to come back.”

“It’s about time,” I roll my eyes. “I’m glad you’re done pretending that you don’t care. But you can’t look for him like this,” I gesture to his current state. “You need to keep yourself together so that you can think coherently. I can’t solve this on my own.” I know I’m being harsh, but it’s the only thing he responds to. Of course I do still feel bad that I accused him of hurting Jeongin, but I’m glad he cleared that up.

“Okay,” he sniffles, blowing his nose again.

I wait for him to finish before launching into an explanation of what we already know. “So here’s the thing – Jeongin can’t have vanished off the face of the earth. He has to be somewhere. And – and someone has to know about the person he – he’s seeing,” I watch Hyunjin carefully, afraid that I might set the waterworks off again.

“One thing doesn’t make sense,” I continue explaining when it looks safe. “Woojin asked his boyfriend who works at the hospital to look into the hospital records for us. And Jeongin’s name isn’t anywhere in the system. Now, why would Jeongin lie that he had to go to the hospital for a backache?”

“Because…” he trails off as we both wrack our brains for answers, some kind of connection that would lead us to Jeongin.

“Because he was visiting someone,” Hyunjin says, his eyes widening.

“But who?” I wonder out loud. “A patient?”

“Maybe,” Hyunjin nods. “Or… someone who works at the hospital.”

“Perfect!” I snap my fingers. “Woojin can help us with this. Maybe Woojin’s boyfriend will know something. Let me call Woojin.”

“No, I’ll call,” Hyunjin pats my shoulder. “I – I need to make myself useful.”

I nod in understanding. “I’ll get started on dinner.”

“Minho?” he calls before I can get to the kitchen. “Do you know how to make chicken noodle soup? It’s just… Jeongin used to make it all the time, and it was good. And…”

“I’ll make some,” I reassure him, turning away before he could see the pain reflected in my eyes.


	34. Past - Minho

“Can you help me, please?” he asks, and of course I can’t say no, because it’s so rare for Jeongin to request anything from me even though we’ve been living in the same apartment for a year.  He usually just avoids me. I can’t understand why. 

“I just want to learn how to cook something.”

“Of course,” I say, smiling. “How about I show you how to make some chicken noodle soup?”

I can tell he’s nervous, and his hands shake every time he has to do something. But I make a few mistakes on purpose so that he can see it doesn’t have to be perfect. I’m glad that he’s starting to loosen up now. He laughs at my jokes and even makes a few of his own. 

By the time we’re done, the kitchen counters are covered with pepper and parsley and we smell like garlic, but he hold up spoon for me to taste and this has suddenly become the best cooking experience of my life. 

I don’t care that we’ve added too much salt or that the broth burns my tongue. Jeongin is feeding me and it’s perfect.  _ God, he’s perfect _ . And I tell him that much. 

“You’re perfect, Innie.”

He looks away, a slight blush colouring his cheeks pink. Cute…

I cup his cheeks with my hands and I smile at their warmth. “Hey, look at me, Innie.”

He does, and for a moment I just search the depths of his eyes, two deep pools of darkness, yet they’re somehow filled with so much of light. 

“It’s been so dark, Innie,” I sigh and lean against the counter. “So dark.” 

He furrows his brows and I wonder if I can tell him… Yes, I can. “You know that I work for my uncle?”

He nods.

“And I… I do horrible things for him?”

Again, he nods.

“I get paid for it,” I explain, and I can’t look him in the eye anymore. “But I don’t really have a choice. It’s not something I can leave. And I didn’t want to leave. But then he murdered my parents.” There’s a loud gasp from Jeongin and I go on. “My dad double-crossed him and Ty got his revenge the way he saw fit.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jeongin shakes his head. “And you still have to work for him?”

I nod. “Or I die. Don’t tell Hyunjin,” I cringe. “All he knows is that I moved out of my parents’ home. He doesn’t know what happened to them – that they’re dead.”

Jeongin raises his eyebrows. “But you tell him everything.”

I chuckle and shake my head. “I tell him what he can handle. He’s been through too much. I can’t burden him with my anguish.”

“You really love him,” Jeongin tilts his head. “I see now.”

“Do you?” I laugh. “Yeah, he’s… my best friend.”

“That’s all?” He seems surprised. “Just your best friend?”

 “Just my best friend,” I clarify. What did he think Hyunjin was to me?

“Minho,” he steps forward, and I know I should take a step back, but my feet won’t listen – they’re planted firmly into the ground. “I think I – I really like you, Minho.”

_ What? Oh God. He really feels the same? _ “Innie…” 

His hands are around my waist, trailing slowly up chest, until they wind around my neck. And we’re kissing. It’s soft, it’s sweet, it’s delicate. Our lips are touching, just touching, but it’s enough to make me feel like I’m flying, high, so high…

But this shouldn’t be happening. It  _ can’t _ be happening.  _ What am I doing? _

There’s a lurching feeling inside my chest when I pull back, like being slammed back into your car seat because of your seatbelt. 

“We can’t,” I whisper, stepping back like I should have five seconds ago. “We can’t do this.”

“Why?” he implores, his eyes full of hurt. “Why can’t we do this?”

It’s not my place to tell him, but he needs to know, so he understands why we can’t do this. 

“Because Hyunjin is in love with you.”

It takes a minute for Jeongin’s face to dissolve into anger. “Minho, you think I don’t know that? I see it, I do. But why should we hold back because of him?”

I’m momentarily taken aback that Jeongin knew. He’s not as unobservant as he seems. “Try to understand, Innie,” I sigh. “He’s my best friend. I can’t hurt him like that. How can I date you knowing how he feels about you?”

“So you’d rather hurt  _ me _ ,” Jeongin nods, folding his arms around himself. “I see now.”

“Jeongin,” I pull him into my arms and I’m relieved that he isn’t fighting it. “I’d do anything to make you happy – anything. But I can’t hurt Hyunjin. I know he’ll make you happy if you give him a chance.”

“What about you?” Jeongin asks, pulling back, and looking at me through teary eyes. “Don’t  _ you _ want to be happy?”

“I’m fine,” I lie.

“I can’t date Hyunjin,” Jeongin shakes his head. “I just… I mean, yeah, a few years ago I had a crush on him, but he never saw me that way. And then – then you were here. And I can’t think about anyone else, Minho.”

I hate that I have to push him away. I hate that I have to tell him that we can’t be together even though it takes every single bit of my being to say so. “Jeongin, you don’t know how much Hyunjin has been through. This job… the things he’s had to do. It takes such a toll on him. And he needs someone to help him through it. He needs  _ you _ . I can’t take that away from him.”

“Okay,” Jeongin finally says, resigned. “I’ll try. But if – if this doesn’t work. If I can’t make him happy, if we can’t make each other happy, it’s on  _ you _ – it’s  _ your _ fault.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all well <3


	35. Present - Felix

I had to reign in my excitement after I hugged Chan goodbye. It was so hard! But he’s gone now – off to that conference. Before he left he showed me all the food he’d left in the little bar fridge in my room – I promised to eat. I’ll probably throw out some of the food before I go to Changbin. Like always, Chan had left the little built in the bathroom unlocked because he won’t be around to let me out until tomorrow. I’m only ever allowed to use this bathroom when he has to go away. 

It’s simple, a small shower with no walls, and a toilet. It’s for my own good – so I don’t hurt myself. I just wish there was a mirror. It would be nice to get a look at myself before I go outside. I sigh in frustration and make my way to the window.

I clamber down the tree and look for a spot to dump the food. I’ve wrapped the food in a t-shirt so I didn’t have to lug the tupperware with me. I spot a dried up bush and begin digging through the mud with my fingers. When there’s a big enough hole, I bury the food. Chan can’t know.

But now my nails are dirty. I should go back up and wash them. Oh, I can’t. Changbin. I see his car driving up the hill. I can’t make him wait. I’ll hide my fingers.

He jumps out of the car and tentatively holds out his arms. I like that he always asks. I hug him with ease. “I missed you.”

He wraps his arms around me and sighs. “I’ve missed you too, Lix.”

“Where are we going?” I ask as soon as he starts the engine. 

He hums. “Remember that story you always told me? About playing near the lake with your boat?”

I nod. It’s my favourite memory.

“I thought we’d go there today,” Changbin smiled. “I did some research and it’s a great place for a picnic.”

I gasp in delight. “Really, Binnie? Oh I’d love that!” Chan never takes me there. He doesn’t like remembering.

It’s beautiful, just like I remember it to be. It’s not too hot today. The clouds allow only a hint of sunshine to glimmer on the surface of the lake. Its water is a murky blue, almost indigo. 

I take off my shoes and drag my feet through the grass, smiling at the ticklish feeling. I breathe in the fresh air, and the memories that permeate it. I spot the tree where Anna and mom would sit for hours reading old novels. And here are the rocks where Liv and I used to sit watching dad and Channie fishing. Once dad had his fishing equipment all set up, he used to sail those wooden boats with Liv and I. He used to make them himself – a new one every week, until mom got sick. And then… Then things changed. 

“Where do you want to sit?” Changbin asks, appearing next to me with a picnic basket. 

I point to Anna and mom’s tree. “There.”

We spread a blanket over the grass, and he unpacks the picnic basket. Ah, sandwiches, and a lot of sweet things! He knows my favourites. I smile to myself. “Aren’t you supposed to be more health conscious?” I tease, sitting cross-legged opposite him. 

He gives me a mischievous smile. “Doctors like chocolate too.”

I laugh and he stares at me. “What?” I blush.

“It’s nice seeing you happy,” he shrugs, unwrapping a sandwich for me.

I want to take it, but my nails! I try to hide my fingers beneath my thighs, but he gives me a concerned look.

“You don’t want it?” 

“I do,” I say quickly. “But…”

“But?”

“My nails are dirty,” I murmur, showing him my hands.

He chuckles. “Have you been gardening?”

More heat creeps into my cheeks. “Something like that.”

“Come on,” he laughs, and despite my protestations he takes my hand, and leads me down to the lake.

I watch in awe as he uses the lake water to wash out the mud from my nails. “It’s not the best,” he grimaces. “But it’s either the lake water, or our fruit juice.”

“This is fine,” I giggle.

He’s so nice. He takes care of me.

We spend the next hour talking about all the nice memories that I have here. I know I’m not supposed to, but I tell him – about them. 

“I didn’t know you had sisters,” he sounds confused. I don’t blame him.

“They…” I take a deep breath. I can’t say anymore. I shake my head. “Do you like dogs?” 

He frowns and I hope he won’t press me for more information. He doesn’t. “I do,” he smiles. “I’ve always wanted one, but never really got around to the whole adoption process.”

I can’t help the shiver of excitement I feel. “I love dogs! I wish I had one more than anything in the world! I really wish, Binnie… I always go to the shelter to see the dogs. But I can never have one.” I absent-mindedly play with grass beneath the blanket.

“You know,” Changbin says, and I look up at him. “It gets pretty lonely at my place,” he bites his lip. “I should get a dog, right?”

I lean forward eagerly. “You really want to?”

His smile widens. “I really want to. How about today? We can go to the shelter together…”

“Binnie!” I squeal, before throwing my arms around him, not caring about the food squished beneath me.

He chuckles as his arms wrap around me. “If I knew it would make you this happy, I would’ve suggested it sooner.”

I pull back to look at him. “Why?” Why does my happiness matter to him?

“Because I love you, Felix,” he sighs, his fingers brushing over the freckles on my cheeks, his gaze fixed on mine.

His words stun me.  _ Love… _ Chan always says that in order to love someone you have to trust them. And if they honor that trust, it shows that they love you back. Chan trusts me, but I… I haven’t been honouring that, have I? If I loved my brother, I wouldn’t be here with Changbin. I wouldn’t lie to him. 

It strikes me now – if Changbin loves me, he trusts me too. I’m betraying Chan, but I can honour Changbin’s trust, at least. I can love Changbin. Can’t I? Do I?

_ I do. _

“I love you too, Binnie.”


	36. Present - Jisung

I didn’t expect to see him today. Can’t say I’m unhappy – even if he’s not here for the reasons I’d like him to be here. “How are you?” I ask, looking up from the papers I’ve been filing.

Minho gives me a small smile and I see the tension in his shoulders. “I just wanted to ask you a few things.” He leaves my question unanswered. 

I put down a stack of papers and place my arms on the counter, ignoring the sound of the dogs constantly barking from the rooms behind us – cats are so much quieter. “What can I do for you?” I ask.

He taps the counter anxiously. “Any idea whether Jeongin had any friends who were in hospital lately?”

“None that I know of,” I shrug. “Jeongin usually keeps to himself anyway. He’s always –  _ was  _ always – happier just being with Hyunjin.”

Over Minho’s shoulder, I see the front door open and two people enter the shelter. “Excuse me,” I mutter. “I’ll be back.”

He nods and pulls out his phone. “I’ll wait.”

I smile when I see who it is. “Hey, Felix,” I grin. I give his companion a wave – I haven’t seen him before. “Here to play with the dogs?”

His companion scratches the back of his head. “I’m actually here to adopt.”

“Oh, great! Do you have a specific breed in mind or…?”

The dark haired male looks at Felix, but he seems distracted. I follow his gaze and see him staring, transfixed, on Minho. Minho is on the phone and I can hear bits and pieces of his hushed conversation with Hyunjin.

“Felix?” his friend looks worried. “Lix, you alright?”

Felix begins to take deep breaths and his eyes begin to dart around the room, like he’s looking for a quick escape – and he is. He turns around and bolts out of the door.

_ What the… _

His friend is quick to follow him and I wish I could too, but I can’t just leave the front desk empty.

“Weird,” I shake my head and make my way back behind the desk.

Minho ends his call. “Everything okay?”

“Just a strange visitor,” I shrug. “Was that Hyunjin you were talking to?”

He nods. “We’ve been checking out the doctors at the hospital. Woojin said that he’d ask his boyfriend, but apparently he’s out on some conference. So it’s just a matter of waiting.”

“Have you checked Jeongin’s store?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he ruffles his hair in frustration. “One of the first few places I checked. You think I should give it another look?”

“It’s better than waiting,” I give him a sad smile. “Want me to come with?”


	37. Present - Minho

A thin sheet of dust has formed over the display windows, making the darkness within the store somewhat blurry. I fish the key out of my pocket – Hyunjin was hesitant to part with it (he’s developed such an attachment to anything belonging to Jeongin). I place the key into the metal opening, but…

Jisung raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“It was already unlocked.”

“Hyunjin must’ve come here,” Jisung shrugged. “You know, to uh reminisce or something.”

I want to believe that, but there’s a sickening feeling in my gut. I bend down to get a closer look at the keyhole and my breath hitches. A shiver of fear runs up my spine – not for myself, but for Jeongin. This is bad – I know it.

“What?” Jisung asks again, catching onto my fear.

“Scratches around the keyhole,” I show him. “Someone picked the lock.”

He blanches and takes out his phone. “Should I call the police?”

I give him an incredulous look. “Don’t you dare.” I realize that he doesn’t know who I work for, and has no clue that Taeyong will have my head on a spike if he catches me even talking to a police officer. “I’ll go in,” my tone softens. “Stay here, alright?”

He hesitates before nodding, but his phone is still clutched tight in his hand.

I open the door and blink, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. Where’s that damned light switch? The floor is clear of any mess and I move stealthily behind the counter. I drag my hand across the wall, before my fingers find the switch.

Once illuminated, the store reveals its heart-wrenching contents. Jeongin would have never let his plants die this way. Dried leaves hang limply off brown stems, withered petals are scattered around the potted plants, and the decomposing plants account for the acrid odour in the air. But I don’t have time to lament just yet.

I creep around the counter, peering around into the backroom. The bathroom is empty. I stand inside and breathe a short sigh of relief. And I’m about to leave when I catch sight of the mirror – of what’s taped to the mirror.

_ No, no, no. _

I frantically grab at the polaroids, staring at each one in horror. 

_ Oh, Innie, no. _

I let the last polaroid flutter to the floor before I get onto my knees and heave into the toilet.

I hear footsteps and I look up.

“Minho, are you –”

Jisung freezes, as he catches sight of me on the floor, and then he sees the polaroids. “Jeongin,” he gasps out.

He sinks to his knees, clutching the closest one – the one that shows the metal cuffs around Jeongin’s wrists. “We – we need to find him,” Jisung says through his tears. “M-Minho.”

“We will,” I nod. I have to. 

“And we…” Jisung pauses, trying to muffle a sob, “we have to tell Hyunjin.”

We do. And I’m not looking forward to that. He’s been rather passive all this time, because he believes that Jeongin is happy, somewhere safe. But once he finds out about this… He’ll set the entire world on fire just to get to Jeongin.  _ And I will too. _


	38. Past - Minho

“We have a problem,” I say when Hyunjin answers his phone.

“What happened?” I hear the sound of a door opening. “Is it Innie? Is he okay?”

I hesitate. “He…”

“He  _ what _ ?” Hyunjin snaps, clearly on edge. “Spit it out, Minho!”

“He didn’t come home after school,” I sigh. “I called that friend of his – Jisung. Jisung hasn’t seen him since school ended.”

“Fuck,” Hyunjin mutters. “Minho… What if…”

I can understand what’s going through his mind. What if he got hurt? What if he ran off? What if someone took him? What if, what if, what if…

We search the entire city, as big as it is. We call anyone and everyone we know to help. We check the subways, the bus stations, and even the airports. We check every shopping mall, every convenience store. We visit every hawker, every street-side seller. We can’t find him. 

We meet after several long hours, both of us exhausted and distraught. Hyunjin, like myself, is experiencing a mixture of fury and despair. He’s so close to bursting into tears that I can’t even look at him without wanting to do the same.

We both perk up when his phone starts buzzing. Please be Jeongin…

He frowns at the caller ID and shakes his head at me. “Taeyong,” he says, his tone clipped, unlike his usual calm, respectful persona – but I don’t blame him. “He’s  _ where _ ?” he says after a while and I begin to tense.

 

Hyunjin is shaking with rage. I would be too if I hadn’t learned how to reel in my emotions. We sit across the table from Taeyong who surveys us with his usual smirk. 

“I want to see him,” Hyunjin demands, again.

“He’s fine,” Taeyong rolls his eyes. “I told you, he’s in the den watching TV. I made sure he ate and no one’s touched him.”

“Taeyong,” I say quickly, spotting Hyunjin’s clenched fists. “Is there something you’d like from us?”

“From Hyunjin, yes,” Ty shoots me a quizzical look. “But I suppose you can be a part of it too, since you’re so eager.”

“What do you want?” Hyunjin barks. 

Taeyong suddenly loses his cool and slams his hand onto the table. If it was wooden, it would have been in pieces. “I want you to do your job properly!” Taeyong spits the words out. 

“I gave you a job when you were just a kid, because you needed it. And last week when you came to me and told me you wanted it to stop – you wanted the killing to stop – I was fine with that too. I wasn’t happy to lose one of the best, but I understood why, Hyunjin. Fuck, I was even ready to give you a job packing boxes. But you disappointed me.”

I glance at Hyunjin, trying to gauge what Ty is talking about, because I have no idea. Hyunjin’s face is impassive. He’s giving nothing away.

“You had one last thing to do for me,” Ty shrugs. “One last fucking thing. And you couldn’t even do that properly.”

Hyunjin’s mask begins to slip away, and I see his sharp intake of breath. “I just…”

“You just what?” Ty relaxes back into his chair. “You thought you’d leave your job incomplete? You thought I wouldn’t find out? You thought I’d shirk on my job and I’d forget to check up on it?”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Ty. Please, just let Jeongin go. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

“I needed to take Jeongin for a bit,” Ty sighs. “Just so you know how angry I am. You can have him back for now.”

Both Hyunjin and I relax at this. 

“But you – you and your team need to remedy the situation. You need to… show me how apologetic you all are.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen. “No, I was the one responsible. I was the leader. I –”

“And what’s a leader without his team?” Ty says, his voice filled with mock sympathy. 

I hate that I still have no idea what’s going on.

Hyunjin shakes his head. “Please…”

“You’re lucky that I’m such a kind person,” Ty smiles. “I gave them a choice – Seungmin and Woojin. Seungmin volunteered to help you out.”

“What’s going on?” I interject. “What are you talking about?”

Ty’s gaze never leaves Hyunjin. “Hyunjin left someone alive.”

I furrow my brows. “But we can just kill whoever it is, right? Why do you need all of them –”

“Because I need to set an example. No one betrays me, no matter how insignificant it may seem.”

“What do you need us to do?” I ask, purposefully including myself in this, because there’s no way I’d leave Hyunjin to face a punishment by himself, even if he was sharing it with Seungmin.

“Keep the boy alive,” Ty explains. “For seven days. Keep him alive – but barely. Do anything and everything you can to make him suffer. I’ll be watching.”

“Where is this boy?” I ask.

Taeyong gestures to the corner of the room, where a wooden crate sits inconspicuously.


	39. Present - Felix

Changbin found me crouched on the sidewalk outside the animal shelter. I’m so glad he didn’t ask questions. He just took me back to his house. It’s nice – really nice. It’s just as big as ours, but it’s not so dark. It feels like… home. It feels warm!

We spend some time on the couch, watching TV. I know I should tell him. I planned on telling him today, showing him… But I don’t want to ruin this. It feels so good with his arm around me. It feels safe. It feels like I belong here. 

I glance at him and begin to blush when I realize he’s already looking at me. “Don’t do that,” I murmur, looking away.

“I like looking at you,” he chuckles. 

I should tell him. 

“I want to show you something.”

“What do y –” He quietens when I stand up and begin pulling up the sleeves of my sweater so that they’re bunched up at my elbows. I reach down and begin doing the same with my jeans so that my legs are exposed from the knees down. He sits at the edge of the couch, looking at me in confusion. 

“Look closely,” I tell him, stepping closer to him.

I flinch when he reaches out to touch the bare skin of my arms, his eyes scanning my skin carefully. I see his eyes widen. “What are these? Scars? But they’re like…” His fingers brush over the skin on my calves. “Like stitches?”

He gets it now. I breathe a sigh of relief. “There’s more,” I tell him. “Everywhere, see.” I lift up my sweater, showing him my stomach. The marks are feint, like light brown stitches painted onto my skin. 

He draws his hand back and I sit next to him again. “If – if you don’t like looking at me anymore…”

“I’ll always like looking at you,” he tells me, his lips curving into a smile but his eyes filled with worry. “What happened, Lix?”

Oh, I can’t tell him that. “An accident,” I have to lie. “A bad one.” I bite my lip and scoot closer, turning my back to him. “The scars on my face aren’t bad when they’re covered with makeup, but if you look at the back of my neck…”

“God…” he whispers, as his fingers trail over the nape of my neck. “Lix, it must have been a terrible accident. I’m so sorry.”

I nod. “It was awful. And I had to have reconstructive plastic surgery.” Chan did it himself.

“But the scars… They won’t go away,” I tell Binnie, watching his reaction. “And I… I don’t look exactly how I used to look before…”

“That’s alright,” he rubs my back soothingly and envelops me in a hug. “It’s alright, Felix. Thank you for telling me.”

I lean back, letting him hold me in a way I’ve never been held before. I want this forever. I want to be with Changbin forever. I’ve known that for a long time. 

But I can’t be with him just yet. I can’t just pretend that the past never happened. I can’t pretend that I’ll be at peace knowing they are still out there, happy and breathing. They need to suffer before I can move on. 

And they will. I’ve already used the polaroids to accelerate things. I hope they take the bait. It all depends on Woojin now.


	40. Present - Jisung

“Hi.”

I look up in surprise at the male who leans on the counter in front of me. “Hey,” I smile. I’ve been so caught up thinking about those polaroids. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t work… I study him for a few seconds. “You’re the one who came in with Felix yesterday!”

The raven haired male nods. “Yeah, I’m Changbin.”

He holds out a hand and I shake it enthusiastically. “Felix never brought in a friend before,” I smile. “Is he okay?” I ask, remembering how he’d run out. 

“Oh,” he seems hesitant, but he offers me a smile. “He’s just going through stuff, I guess. But he’s fine.”

I nod. “Still want to adopt?”

Changbin’s eyes light up. “Of course!”

I’m surprised that the two year old retriever, Max, catches his attention. “You have a big yard?” I ask with a nervous chuckle. “And you’re patient, right?”

He grins at me. “Neither of that will be a problem.” He’s hunched down beside the dog who’s sniffing him with equal enthusiasm. “I think Felix will love him.”

I can’t help but agree. “He’s actually come in and played with Max a few times.”

I explain that the adoption will take several days. Before we release Max a full house check will be necessary. Changbin fills out all the paperwork, and leaves with a huge smile.

It’s only when I’m sifting through the paperwork, that I begin to dwell on Felix. Things begin clicking inside my brain, like puzzle pieces finally falling into place.

_ The person Jeongin was seeing was either a doctor or a patient… _

_ Felix has a brother… _

_ His brother is a doctor… _

_ Felix’s brother was the doctor I saw with Jeongin… _

I need to call Minho.


	41. Present - Woojin

Chan is back! I’ve missed him so much. I know it’s only been two days, but still. There’s been a kind of uneasiness inside me knowing he’s all the way across the ocean. But that’s gone now, replaced by an overwhelming sense of joy when I see the smile on his face. 

“Woojin, I missed you,” he pulls me into a hug, abandoning his luggage.

We stay melded together for far too long, ignoring the fact that we’re in the middle of the airport. 

“Thank you for picking me up,” he pulls back and grins, his hair all curly and tousled. 

“I couldn’t help myself,” I chuckle. “I’m just so glad to see you.”

We walk hand in hand to the exit, only parting when I get into the car.

“I was thinking,” he says, clipping in his seatbelt. “You should come for dinner tonight. I mean, Felix and I would love to have you over.”

“Really?” my eyes widen in surprise. “You sure he’ll be alright with that?”

“I think it’s time you both spend some time together,” Chan says, and there’s a strange kind of desperation in his voice.

So of course, I agree. I leave him at home with the promise to be back in a few hours. I even offer to cook for us, but he insists on doing it by himself. 

I’m on my way home when I see the frantic messages from Hyunjin and Minho asking me to come to Minho’s apartment immediately. They’re not giving much away, but I’m hoping they’ve found Jeongin.

 

“What is it?” I ask, striding into the living room as soon as Minho opens the door. “Did you find him?”

Hyunjin, sprawled out on the carpet, bursts into tears. I stare, surprised, and then realize that Minho is also sniffling beside me.

Fuck. Is Jeongin…?

Minho gathers up something from the coffee table and I hold out my hand, blanching when I see the first polaroid. “Oh no… Jeongin…”

There are five polaroids. In the first, Jeongin is bare bodied, metal cuffs around his wrists. He sits pressed against a wall, a plastic bowl filled with water beside him.

In the second polaroid, he’s clothed. He’s looking over a pot on a stove, his metal cuffs on the black granite countertop beside him. A large purple bruise is visible on his cheek.

The third polaroid shows him asleep on a cemented surface, his hands and feet bound. Beside him are several confusing items – a toy boat, a drawing pad, a portable gaming console – almost like there’s a child in the room with him.

Then the fourth one… I can’t look at it for too long. It’s a close up shot of his hands, his fingers red and blistered, the skin withering from burns. In one hand is a knife which he’s using to chop fruit. My eyes flicker towards a silver ring placed on the counter near him. Why does this alarm me so much? I can’t quite understand the wrenching feeling inside me. What is it…?

The last polaroid shows Jeongin kneeling beside a fire place, picking up shards of shattered glass, cuts on his fingers. He looks into the camera and that look in his eyes is almost… dead.

Minho fills me in on how he found this at Jeongin’s store. I can’t understand why this person would begin taunting them now, so long after taking Jeongin. Why wait so long? Did something spur them on? What accelerated this?

“We need to find him,” Minho says weakly.

But from Jeongin’s state in these polaroids, I wonder whether he’ll be alive if do find him.

Minho’s phone begins to ring, and I say my goodbyes, promising to come back to them as soon as my dinner with Chan is over. 


	42. Present - Minho

Jisung is here. He thinks he knows where Jeongin could be. It’s a long shot, but we’re on our way there now. I glance at Hyunjin. His jaw is clenched, and his glare is cold. I know that look all too well. It’s the look he’s always had before he completed one of his jobs.

_ Where the fuck are we going? _ Jisung is driving us into the countryside. We’re so far out from the city. Houses and people are becoming scarce. I shudder. This is the perfect location to keep someone you’ve kidnapped.

The car rolls to a stop outside a farmhouse. “Is this it?” Hyunjin asks, and he’s already jumping out of the car.

“This is where Felix always made me drop him off,” Jisung nods. “Shouldn’t we call the police or –”

“No police,” Hyunjin and I say at the same time.

Jisung begins to jump out of the car after us.

“Jisung, stay here.”

I don’t want him to have to see what we’re going to do. He shouldn’t have to see any of that. 

“But –”

“Jisung!” I snap. “Stay. In. The. Car.” 

He holds my stare for a few seconds but relents. “Fine.”

Hyunjin and I tread carefully as we make our way to the farmhouse. The fields are all empty and the grass has grown up to our knees. I know already that no one lives here. Maybe they were just keeping Jeongin here…

But no.

It’s empty. Every room is empty. There’s no sign that anyone has been there for months.

“Fuck!” Hyunjin begins to kick at a table until it’s in splinters.

“So he’s been making me drop him off at the wrong address?” Jisung sounds surprised and starts the engine again.

“What are we going to do?” I sigh. We’re wasting time. Who knows what that sick fuck is doing to Jeongin? My Jeongin…

“There’s another way,” Jisung explains, backing out of the driveway. “I just need to get a file from work.”

 

“And this Seo Changbin knows where Felix and his brother are?” Hyunjin asks. We’re in the backseat flipping through the pages in the adoption file.

Jisung’s already programmed the address into the GPS and we’re almost there.

“Yeah,” Jisung shrugs. “He came in with Felix. They seem to be good friends. But I…” he hesitates. “I just can’t imagine either of them involved in something like this. They can’t be. Felix’s brother though… He seemed a bit strict. I can’t remember his name.”

“Everyone’s involved until we know for sure that they aren’t,” I say.

Jisung shoots me a sceptical look. “You both sound like you’re secret agents or something. It’s weird.”

I snort. If only he knows what we do…

The house is extravagant, as expected from a doctor. Jisung smiles at the security camera. “Here to do a house check on behalf of the animal shelter.”

The gate slides open and we drive in. Seo Changbin only just opens his front door when Hyunjin’s holding a gun to his head. Jisung looks horrified but I’m not about to stop Hyunjin.

“Where is he?” Hyunjin demands. “Is he here with you?”

Changbin looks as if he’s about to collapse. “What are you talking about?” he holds up his hands in surrender. “Who are you?”

I push him in and Hyunjin follows. Jisung, despite my orders to stay outside, follow us in. he looks torn between stopping us and joining us.

“Where’s Jeongin?” We begin firing questions.

“Is Felix here?”

“Is his brother here?”

“Where are they?”

Changbin is on his knees in front of us. He’s shaking and there’s a familiar look of terror in his eyes. I kick him square on the chest so he’s on his back. “Speak  _ now _ .”

He whimpers and takes a few deep breaths before nodding. “Okay I’ll just… I… Look, I recognize those names, but why the hell would you think they’re all here?”

Hyunjin and I exchange a look. Maybe he’s not involved. Maybe.

We allow him to sit on the couch as he fills us in. He and Felix are dating. I don’t give a fuck about that. Then he begins to tell us that Felix’s brother Chan –

I stop him. “Chan? You say his name is Chan?”

“What?” Hyunjin furrows his brows.

“That doctor Woojin is dating,” I explain. “His name is Chan.”

“Fuck,” Hyunjin, Jisung and I say in unison.

Hyunjin begins to dial Woojin’s number but it’s going through to voicemail.

“I don’t understand,” Changbin shakes his head. “Your friend can’t be dating Chan. Chan is engaged to marry Jeongin.”

We all recoil at this. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Hyunjin stands up. 

“Jeongin,” Changbin shrugs. “He’s Chan’s fiancé. He’s schizophrenic. He –”

“Shut the fuck up,” I drag him to his feet. “You’re taking us to Chan right now.”

I see Changbin inconspicuously reaching for his phone on the side table but I grab it before he does. “The fuck you think you doing?”

Changbin trembles when I tighten my grip on his collar. “Just don’t hurt Felix,” he pleads. “I’m begging you. Whatever you believe Chan did, I know my Lix hasn’t had any part in it.”

“We’ll see about that,” I throw the phone down onto the table, and the screen lights up.

I freeze, and Hyunjin does too.

“This…” he picks up the phone. “Your wallpaper… This is Felix?”

He looks different. Not just older. He just looks… different. But he’s still recognizable. He’s still Yongbok. He’s still the boy from the box. 

“Hyunjin,” I stare at him. “He’s supposed to be dead.”   
  
  



	43. Past - Minho

It’s been five days. We’re all ready to quit – Seungmin, Hyunjin and I. 

I don’t think I can torture the boy anymore. I’ve killed kids before. But to torture one…

Taeyong is waiting for us to give up, so he can kill us and make an example of us. He hadn’t expected us to last so long.

There’s a deathly silence emanating from within the box. We always keep him in the box when we’re done. At first there used to be screams, but they became cries, and then whimpers and today, just silence.

We’ve done the worst we could do. We’ve almost drowned him. We’ve burned him. We’ve mutilated him. We’ve beaten him until we heard the sound of bone snapping.

I can’t do it anymore.  _ I can’t _ .

“Two more days,” Seungmin gulps. “Two more days and we’re done.”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“We have to!” Seungmin urges. “We have to do it. Or we’re going to die. I don’t want to die, Hyunjin. I need to live for Woojin. And who’s going to take care of your Jeongin if you die?” 

Hyunjin and I exchange a look. Jeongin… No, we can’t abandon him. We can’t die.

We have to complete this. Two more days.  _ Two more days and then we can put the boy out of his misery. _


	44. Present - Woojin

There’s a strange kind of comfort in being around someone you love. I used to think that when you’re in love you experience all these weird and extraordinary feelings. What is it that they say? Everything in the world feels perfect? Like you’re flying? Falling? Floating?

No, there’s none of that. 

When I’m with Chan, it feels like it doesn’t matter that everything in the world isn’t perfect. It doesn’t matter, because as long as I have him, I don’t need everything to be perfect. He’s all I need. I’m comfortable with life just as it is. For the first time, I’m not wanting for more; I’m not trying to fix anything; I’m not trying to change anything.

_ This _ is what love is. 

We’re on the couch, watching some show on TV. Sometime in the last five minutes he’s slipped his hand into mine. He’s always cautious around his brother. I don’t know what it is that he’s afraid of. I suppose Felix is more like a son than a brother to him. He’s probably just afraid that Felix won’t approve of me. If Seungmin was here I’d be trying to convince him of Chan’s worth too.

Seungmin was always protective of me. I’m the older brother, but you’d never know that from the way he took care of me. Well, that was until our big argument. Something changed in Seungmin a few years ago. I don’t know what changed, and I don’t know what caused it – a job he did for Ty or something he saw? I don’t know. But he changed. He started looking for a way out.

I guess he found it. But I miss him so much. It’s like a part of me has just vanished. I know he’s out there somewhere. But I need him  _ here _ . He’s my brother. I should never have let him leave. I was an idiot.

So yeah, I guess I can understand why Chan worries about Felix. Felix is different – kind of strange. Not warm, but not cold either. He’s indifferent – always so impassive. It’s hard to know what he’s thinking. Maybe that’s why Chan’s eyes keep flicking from the TV to Felix – he’s trying to gauge his reaction to me.

“I should get started on dinner,” Chan leans in and whispers.

“Let me help,” I implore. “Just a little?”

He chuckles and stands up. “No. Sit with Felix,” he casts his brother a hopeful glance but he isn’t even looking at us. 

“Okay,” I say quickly. I know it’s important to him that Felix and I get along. Maybe he’ll be more receptive if Chan isn’t around.

I’m right! As soon as Chan leaves, Felix shifts on the couch so that he’s facing me. “Want to see something?” I’m taken aback by the smile on his face. Unexpected, but bright.

And of course I can’t say no. “Sure,” I return his smile.

He reaches behind a cushion and takes out something – a camera?

“A gift from, Channie,” he grins. “For polaroids.”

Polaroids…  _ Jeongin _ .

No, that’s… I’m being stupid. Lots of people have those cameras. 

“That’s lovely,” I say, surprised to see the energy with which he jumps off the couch.

“Can I show you my other things?”

My eyes flicker to his hands, and I suck in a breath when I see the ring on his finger – plain silver, like the one in that polaroid. But so many people have those rings. Even I have a few. I’m being ridiculous, aren’t I?

“I – Of course,” I try to keep the awkwardness at a minimum.  _ He’s just really different – that’s all, _ I reassure myself.

I watch as he runs up the stairs like an excited child and I’m tempted to tell him to slow down, but then I remember that he isn’t a child.

Just as he disappears from sight, Chan appears in the doorway of the living room. “Where’s Felix?” he asks, his brows furrowed.

“Umm,” I shrug. “He’s gone to get something.”

Chan stares at the staircase as though debating whether to go look for him. But he shakes his head. “Come sit with me for a little bit?”

I smile victoriously. “Does that mean I get to help?”

“Not a chance,” he huffs.

The first thing I notice about the kitchen is the lovely aroma from whatever he has on the stove. “Smells good.”

“Yeah?” he grins, his dimples prominent. 

I place my hands around his waist and I pull him towards me. He comes willingly. “You smell great too,” I chuckle.

He snorts and steps back. “Maybe because I’m using your cologne?”

“Ha!” I laugh. “Thief… Now I know what happened to it! First you steal my heart, and then my cologne?” There’s a light dusting of pink on his pale cheeks, and I place my hands over them. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he places a quick kiss on my lips before turning to the stove.

I look away to hide my own warm cheeks, and I realize… 

The counters.  _ Black granite _ . The polaroids…

No, no. Granite counters are so common. Every household has something like this. How can I even think…? I shake my head and join Chan, placing my arms around his waist, my head on his shoulder. He turns his head to the side and smiles at me. “Everything okay? You seem worried.”

“I’m fine,” I shrug. “Just a bit tired, I guess.” 

His smile turns into a frown and he nudges me. “Go sit down. I’m sure Felix is waiting for you. I told you, I’ll manage dinner…”

I want to argue but I feel bad just leaving Felix alone. “Fine.”

Felix isn’t in the living room. But on the couch are various items – a little wooden boat, a game console, and a sketchpad.

I can see it in my head clearly. Jeongin with his hands and feet chained, asleep on the floor and next to him – a toy boat, a game console and a sketchpad. 

 


	45. Present - Felix

I watch from the top of the staircase as Woojin stares at the things I left on the couch. He knows now. Surely, he knows. And now Chan won’t have a choice. He’ll have to put Woojin down in the basement. And then the rest of them will follow. We can finish this. And I’ll finally be with Changbin, forever.

He’s just staring. Why isn’t he doing anything? Why hasn’t he confronted Chan? Is he stupid?

“Chan,” he says weakly. And then louder. He sounds angry, frustrated. “Chan!”

Chan appears in the doorway, his brows furrowed in confusion. “Woojin what –”

“Where is he?” Woojin looks distraught. “Where’s Jeongin?”

I make my way downstairs, unnoticed by both.

Chan’s expression has faded into one of disbelief. He’s frozen in place, like a deer in headlights. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He’s denying it, but he knows it’s hopeless. Woojin knows.

Woojin stares at him for a moment, his expression a mixture of grief and anger. Then he takes out his phone. 

But I’m already behind him. Don’t worry, Chan. I won’t let him call for help. I raise the vase, and it crashes against Woojin’s head, a shower of glass cascading onto the floor.

Woojin stumbles, sinking to his knees. He blinks rapidly, staring at the blood on his hands, before slumping onto the floor.

I smile at Chan but he doesn’t look pleased. I don’t understand why he’s on his knees beside Woojin. I don’t understand why he has tears in his eyes. And I don’t understand why he’s looking at me like I did something wrong. 

“Channie, we can put him in the basement now.”

He opens his mouth to speak but only a strangled sound erupts from his throat.

“Can we take him down to the basement now, Chan?”

“Felix,” he sniffles. He’s crying. “I wanted – I thought we could –” He shakes his head, and then he’s tearing his shirt, using the material to mop the blood pouring from Woojin’s wounds. “The first aid kit from upstairs – can you bring it for me?”

What? “Chan, he has to go into the basement!”

But Chan is shaking his head. “Lix, please. He’s losing too much of blood. Just help me –”

“He has to go into the basement! You promised!” 

He ignores me and begins to stand. He’s rushing upstairs. He’s going to help Woojin. But I won’t let that happen. 

By the time I return with the knife from the kitchen, Chan is already beside Woojin again. He looks up at me, his eyes widening when he sees the knife.

“Felix.”

“He dies _now_ , or he goes into the basement, Chan. You can choose, okay?”

He stands up and takes hesitant footsteps towards me. I back away. I know he’s stronger. I know I can’t hurt him, but I grip the knife tighter anyway. 

“You promised,” I tell him, backing into the wall. “You promised! It should have been _him_ down there in the basement and not his brother! It had to be Woojin and Jeongin! It was you who said it’s easier to take Seungmin; that we’d make do with him until we get Woojin. You keep coming up with excuses, but you promised!”

His shoulders slump, and he steps away from me. I’ve convinced him. “Okay,” he sighs. “Let me stop the bleeding, and then we’ll take him to the basement.”   
  
  



	46. Present - Minho

“Why isn’t he dead, Hyunjin?” 

It’s the first question I ask when we get into the car. Changbin is wedged in the back between us, my gun still pressed into his side.

Hyunjin takes a while to answer and it pisses me off. “Why, Hyunjin?”

“I know I was supposed to,” he finally relents. “I said I’d do it. And he seemed half dead anyway, on that last day. I didn’t think it would be hard to put a bullet in his head. But when…” he closes his eyes, his fists clenched. “When I pointed the gun at him, I just – I thought of Jeongin. The day I met him; how I’d found him under my bed – how afraid he looked, how innocent… And I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it, Minho.”

“So you let him go.” I want to hurt him for this. Because of him, Jeongin is suffering. It’s his fault. But there’s a voice in the back of my mind, telling me that I would have done the same. What would I have done?

Hyunjin nods. “I was supposed to bury him in that box, but I left him on the outskirts of the forest. I hoped someone would find him, take care of him. I knew he’d never go to the police. I mean, his parents did business with Taeyong. The police was the last place he’d go…”

“But…” I furrow my brows. “How did his brother find him? We didn’t even know he had a brother!”

Changbin clears his throat and we both look at him. “Chan went to medical school in Australia. Felix studied there too when he was younger, but he came back to Korea to finish high school.”

“Still doesn’t explain how Chan found him,” Hyunjin murmurs. 

“We’ll find out,” I say. “We’ll get Jeongin back and then we’ll find out.”

Changbin directs us past the farmhouse we’d first searched. We’d been so close. He tells Jisung to stop just outside an old redbrick house. 

“Stay,” I tell Jisung, and he looks as if he’s about to argue, but he nods. I look at Changbin. “You should stay too.”

“I need to see Felix.” He’s trembling, but he seems resolute.

“Okay,” Hyunjin murmurs. “Get out then. Tell your Felix to open the gates.”


	47. Present - Woojin

I open my eyes, but I can’t see. Why can’t I see? Oh… It’s just darkness. Hell, I think briefly, until I see the stream of light filtering through an air vent. Where am I? Why does everything hurt? My head…

Felix! I remember now. Jeongin… They have Jeongin! I need to –

I can’t even move. My hands and feet are chained. What do I do?

“Woojin?”

No. No, it can’t be.

“Woojin, it’s really you.”

How is this possible? “Seungmin,” I squint into the darkness and I can make out a faint silhouette just across from me. “Seungmin? Minnie… Oh god. Oh fuck. No, this – this can’t be…”

He coughs, and I hear the rattling of chains. “They got me,” he says weakly. “I was stupid.”

Fuck. How long has he been here? What have they done to him? Chan… All this time… His lies make me sick. His betrayal… I confided in him, told him how much Seungmin meant to me, told him how much I missed my brother. And he’s been keeping Seungmin down here this whole time?

“I was stupid too.” 

I look around, trying to find a way out. There has to be something.

“There’s no way out. I tried, Wooj. Jeongin and I both tried.”

“Jeongin?” My eyes dart around. “Seungmin, is he down here?”

“In the –” he coughs again, “the corner.”

I stare into the darkness, but there’s no one. “Where – oh.”

There’s a box – a wooden box.

I hear a creaking sound and I turn my head to the right, but that just causes another shot of pain to course through. Light floods the room, and I’m momentarily blinded. I blink, slowly adjusting.

I don’t know where to look; at my brother – bare-bodied, thin and frail, covered in hideous scars, or at the man descending the stairs – the man who broke my heart into a million pieces, the man I want to kill.

“I’m going to kill you,” I say through gritted teeth, trying to fight the restraint of the chains. “I’m going to fucking kill you. You’re going to suffer for this, Chan.”

He kneels in front of me as though seeking penance. 

“I’m already suffering, Woojin.”

I’m going to kill him.

“I love you.”

I manage a laugh. “Such fucking lies –”

“I love you and I tried to save you. But I can’t and I’m so sorry.” His pale skin glistens with tears, but I can’t believe that they’re real, and maybe that’s what hurts the most.

 


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Major character deaths

Jisung turns to look at me before I clamber out after Hyunjin and Changbin. “How will I know if you’re alright? If something goes wrong…”

I nod. “Yeah, there’s a reason I don’t want you to drive us in. If you don’t hear anything from us in thirty minutes, call this number.” I hand him Taeyong’s card. “Tell him where we are, tell him why we’re here. And then I want you to go, Jisung.”

“But –”

“Trust me, it’s for your own safety.” It’s all I can say before the gates swing open, permitting us to go through.

The tension between Hyunjin, Changbin and I is palpable. I have a strange unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know how, but I know he’s here. Jeongin is here. We’re going to find him. But what if he’s… Oh god, no. Please let him be alright

We walk up onto the porch, guns drawn, Changbin in front of us. He raises his hand to knock, but the door swings open before he does.

“Binnie!” The boy has a bright smile, and he no longer has the scars that we left him with. Yes, it’s Yongbok – the boy in the box. His smile fades when he sees us.

I swallow back my regret. “Hello, Yongbok.”

Changbin looks over his shoulder at me, eyes fearful. 

“Please,” he murmurs, stepping in front of the boy, blocking him from view. “Please don’t hurt Felix.”

Hyunjin lets out a grunt of annoyance and slams the butt of his gun onto Changbin’s head. The male crumples to the floor, leaving behind a trembling and fearful looking Yongbok.

Hyunjin clenches his jaw, pointing the gun at the boy’s head. “I want Jeongin. Now.”

Yongbok tears his eyes away from Changbin, nods and begins taking tentative steps backward. I do a quick survey of our surroundings as we follow him inside. The house is clean, minimal, silent – no not silent. I hear the soft echo of voices – but from where?

Oh. I see it. The door is ajar, revealing the staircase that descends into what’s probably their basement. He’s down there. He has to be down there.

“Hyunjin, down there.” 

He follows my gaze and studies Yongbok. “Is he down there?” 

A slow nod.

“You first,” he tells Yongbok, gesturing to the basement. “Go on.”

Yongbok begins leading us down the staircase. We can barely see a thing, but that smell – urine, vomit… Oh god.

“Felix?” 

Hyunjin and I freeze at the voice from below. Hyunjin presses the gun against Felix’s head, in silent warning. 

“Channie, I just want to talk to you about something,” the boy lies to his brother.

When we’re halfway down, I place a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder, stopping him. He gives me a pained look but I shake my head, allowing Yongbok to go down first.

“Channie, I um…” 

I squint into the darkness, and can just about see them thanks to the light from the built-in air vent.

I blink, adjusting my sight to the dim lighting. That’s when I see them, and I know Hyunjin does too because I hear his gasp. Bound by chains, opposite to each other, are Woojin and Seungmin. 

There’s bandage wrapped around Woojin’s head, and he looks queasy, barely conscious. Seungmin is slightly more conscious, but... Fuck, he looks awful. He’s just skin and bones, his eyes are sunken in, several bruises on his body. 

But Jeongin. Where’s Jeongin? Hyunjin gives me a frantic look, obviously wondering the same. 

“Now,” I whisper, and we descend the last few stairs, stepping into view, our guns held out in front of us.

Chan immediately pulls his brother behind him. His eyes are wide, filled with panic and something that looks suspiciously like relief.

“What the fuck,” Hyunjin murmurs, staring at Seungmin. “What the hell have they been doing…?”

Chan holds his hands out defensively in front of him. He sounds calm when he speaks. “You can undo their restraints. The keys are on a chain around my neck. I’m just going to…” he slowly removes the chain from around his neck.

I hold a hand out and he throws it to me. 

“The serial numbers are etched onto the keys… A772 for Seungmin’s hands, and A773 for his feet, A193 for Woojin’s feet, A194 for his hands.”

“How helpful of you.” I shoot him a speculative glance and I begin to undo Seungmin’s restraints.

“Where’s Jeongin?” Hyunjin questions, his gaze sweeping the room. “Where the fuck is he?” His voice is a mixture of anger and despair. I know what he’s afraid of. I am too.

I glance at Chan as I undo Woojin’s restraints. His lips are pressed into a thin line. He knows that once we get Jeongin, we’re going to end him.

And then Seungmin says it, his words shaky but clear. “The box.”

Hyunjin and I simultaneously look at the wooden box in the corner of the room.  _ No, no, no, no _ . Its shape is familiar; it’s the same sandy brown colour. Four tiny holes are drilled into the top – enough for oxygen to move through, but not enough to breathe comfortably. 

It takes a moment for Hyunjin to fling open the lid of the box. He lets out a perturbed, whimpering cry, and he’s lifts Jeongin’s bare body out of the box.

_ No _ .

His hands and feet are bound by rope, his hands, his legs, his face, is covered in burn marks, bruises, cuts… But – oh he’s breathing! His chest rises up and down, sickeningly slowly. If we can just get him some help, we can save him.  _ We can save him. _

I’m on my knees beside him in an instant. Hyunjin is distraught, and both of us are blind to everything besides Jeongin – our mistake. Neither of us sees Yongbok bending down to retrieve our discarded guns.

But I hear the click and I whip around, Hyunjin following.

“We should put Jeongin out of his misery, right?” Yongbok smiles, one gun pointed at Jeongin.

Hyunjin and I stare at him, at the gun. Hyunjin moves to shield Jeongin’s body. And I wonder whether I can risk a tackle. Chan makes no move to help his brother, but doesn’t try to stop him either.

Hyunjin’s voice is shaky. “Please, please don’t –”

He doesn’t have time to finish his sentence. There’s a deafening bang, the sound of the gun firing amplified by the echoic room. Hyunjin curses and clutches his shoulder, blood soaking through his shirt.

“Felix!” His brother is wide-eyed, as surprised as we all are. “Felix, don’t –”

And then he raises the other gun, pointing it at Chan. “I don’t want to hurt you, Channie. But if you don’t let me do this, I will.”

“Okay,” Chan backs away from him, and we lock eyes. I see now. He wants out. He doesn’t really want to do this. He wants this to end as much as we do.

But neither of us can do anything, not when Yongbok has both guns with him, not when he’s so willing to hurt anyone who tries to stop him.

I realize that Yongbok is staring at me. I hold his gaze, trying to figure out what it is that he really wants, what I can offer him.

“I heard you all, you know,” he says.

I raise my eyebrows. “You heard us? When?”

“When I was in the box.”

Hyunjin and I glance at each other. I know he feels guilty. If he’d just killed the boy like he was supposed to…

“Did you ever wonder why I stopped crying, why I was so silent those last few days?”

I nod but it’s Hyunjin who answers. “I always wondered.”

Yongbok smiles now. “I was listening to you all. Just listening. And I heard so much. I heard how Seungmin would talk about his brother, how much he loved him, how much he was willing to do to elevate their status in that gang. And I heard you, Hyunjin. I heard you and Minho talking about how you had to do it for Jeongin, how you had to keep hurting me, torturing me to keep Jeongin safe from your boss.” He stares down at Jeongin, eyes cold, mouth twisted into a sneer. “He’s important to you both. You both love him, right?”

“That’s right,” I nod. “Look, Yongbok – Felix, just listen to me. You don’t have to hurt him.”

“Of course I have to,” he frowns. “It’s the best way to hurt you both. You took away my family. And then you tortured me, for days. You should have killed me. You were supposed to, weren’t you? I heard you say you were going to put me out of my misery, but you just dumped me somewhere, half alive. I wanted to die, you know. But someone found me, took me to a hospital. Chan came back from Australia when he found out about our family, about what happened. He thought I was dead too. I mean, you didn’t even leave the bodies to be buried, did you? You just took me and burned the house to ash.”

That was Taeyong, not us, but I know better than to try to defend our actions. We were responsible for their deaths.

“I was in a hospital for months, almost a year. First to fix my physical injuries, and then the mental ones… You messed me up,” he says this with a chuckle.  _ Yeah, we messed him up _ . “And you know what? Channie just happened to be doing his residency at that hospital. Can you imagine how he felt walking into a ward, only to see his younger brother, barely recognizable? I told him everything. And we planned this, all of it. Because you all deserve to suffer like we did. We swore to take Jeongin away from you both, and Woojin away from Seungmin.”

Chan cringes at the last part and I see him glance at Woojin, a pained expression on his face. I guess things didn’t go to plan.

“Do you see that?” Yongbok asks, gesturing to the bowl next to the box that had held Jeongin. It’s filled with a soup-like substance. “We’ve been feeding him that all week, haven’t we Channie?”

Chan nods and clears his throat, looking away. “Arsenic. He was – today was supposed to be the last day.”

Arsenic. We don’t have much time. We need to get him help. Now. 

“We would’ve sent you his body,” Felix smiles, “but I’m glad you showed up. So who’s going to put him out of his misery?” He looks from me to Hyunjin. 

“Me,” Hyunjin says. He’s still trying to take deep breaths, hand pressed against his shoulder. “I’ll do it.” He holds out his hand for the gun.

Chan tenses beside Yongbok. “Felix, don’t give him the –”

But he’s already thrown the gun to Hyunjin; it’s a childish mistake that alerts me further to the fact that he’s just that – a child. Of course, Hyunjin doesn’t see him that way. All he sees is the person who’s been holding Jeongin captive, torturing him, killing him. That’s why he raises the gun, pointing it at Yongbok. 

“You’re right,” he says, nodding. “I should have put you out of your misery. And I’m sorry for that.”

He pulls the trigger. Another deafening bang.

But it’s not Yongbok who falls to the floor – it’s Chan. Yongbok lets out a shrill scream as he falls to his knees beside his brother’s quivering body. At this point, I don’t know whether Hyunjin had been aiming at Chan, or whether Chan had deliberately stepped into the path of the bullet.

Chan’s chest is soaked with blood, his eyelids fluttering, eyes unable to find his brother. Felix is wailing over his body, murmuring incoherently. 

“We need to get help,” I say. “Now.” Seungmin and Woojin are unconscious, both slumped onto the floor. And Jeongin…

I look back to see that he’s in Hyunjin’s arms. It takes me a few seconds to realize that the slow rise and fall of his chest isn’t there anymore. He isn’t breathing. And all of a sudden, it feels as if I can’t breathe either. My chest tightens and I have to take deep breaths. I can feel air moving in and out of my lungs, but it’s like that air is toxic, stifling, killing me from the inside. I shake my head, trying to convince myself that this isn’t happening.  _ This isn’t happening _ . I close my eyes, praying that when I open them I’ll wake up and none of it will be real. But I can hear Hyunjin weeping and I know it’s real.

I open my eyes and I see the gun he’s holding clatter onto the floor. Every bone in my body, every instinct, everything I’ve learned is telling me to pick it up, to point it at Yongbok, to end his life like he ended Jeongin’s. But that’s a temporary fix, isn’t it?

How long can we keep doing this? I kill him, someone else will kill me, and it’ll just go on, won’t it? You kill one person but so many more lives get ruined. Isn’t that why we’re in this situation? 

Yes, it ends here. It ends now. It ends with us.


	49. Present - Hyunjin

It’s been two weeks and I still visit his grave every day. I know it’s a morbid thing – sitting in front of a grave, staring at a tombstone for hours on end. It’s bordering on obsessive, I know. But I can’t let him go – not yet.

None of it feels real. How can he be alive one day, and gone the next? How is it possible? How can his life just end?  _ How can he leave me alone? _

“Here, again?”

I look over my shoulder, shifting on the grass to make space for Minho. He sits down beside me, staring ahead at the tombstone. I guess I’m not  _ completely _ alone. 

“You are too,” I shrug, glancing at my watch. “But a little late today?”

Minho hums, sitting down beside me. “I was at the animal shelter,” he says. “Just updating Jisung.”

I nod. “Have you seen Woojin today?” We buried Seungmin a few days after Jeongin. Turns out, Jeongin wasn’t the only one being fed arsenic. Minho thinks that Chan had been trying to be merciful by giving Seungmin the poison. I’m not so sure. Or maybe I’m just resentful. It’s hard to see the good in someone you hate. 

“Yeah, he’s… not fine,” Minho admits, sighing. “Just resting. I convinced him to go on vacation for a while, to just… I don’t know… get away.” 

Of course he isn’t fine. Why did I even ask? I know he’s consumed with guilt. He knew it was him who should’ve been down there all that time instead of Seungmin, and he knew he’d only been spared that fate because Chan –

I really don’t know what Chan wanted. What actually went through his mind is a mystery to us. I pointed that gun at Felix intending to do what I thought I should’ve done all those years ago. I never expected the bullet to find Chan’s heart. But I get it, I do. If I could take Jeongin’s place in the ground, I would in a heartbeat.

I bite back a fresh bout of tears. “And Felix? You said he’s leaving today?”

Minho frowns at this. We’re both bitter where Felix is concerned, but we agree that it’s best to let him go. Minho was right when he said there’d been enough death. 

“Changbin said he’s taking him away this afternoon. I don’t want to know where.”

“Yeah,” I nod. “I understand.” As much as we want all the suffering to end, there’s a certain amount of hatred that never goes away. It’s always in there, simmering, waiting to tip over, to spill and burn whoever it touches. If we know where Felix is, we’ll give in to that temptation to hunt him down, to restart that cycle of kill  _ and _ be killed.

I wish I could get away from it all, but the memories stay with me wherever I go, playing out in my mind like a horror movie. I know it’s the same for Minho. “How are you?”

He shakes his head in response. “I miss him,” he admits. “I know we weren’t close but –”

“You were,” I interrupt, unable to hide my smile when I see the surprise register on Minho’s face. “You were at one stage. Right?”

Minho seems to be looking everywhere but at me. “I know, Minho,” I tell him. “I know how you felt about him. And I know how he felt about you.”

“Hyunjin, I’m sorry –”

“Don’t,” I shake my head firmly. “ _ I’m _ the one who should apologise. The thing is, I knew he started dating me out of – out of pity, sympathy. And I just accepted that, even though I knew it would hurt both of you to be apart from each other. I was the selfish one.”

Minho looks devastated and I feel bad for coming clean right now, but I had to get this off my chest – even though it’s too late.

“Hyunjin, you have to know,” Minho places a hand on my shoulder, “he may have never felt that way about you in the beginning, but he did eventually.”

“I know that,” I reassure him. I used to see it in the way he’d look at me, the way he’d smile at me, the way he’d touch me. “I know he loved me – until he didn’t.”

Minho nods and I place an arm around him. We sit side by side, mourning the loss of someone we both fell in love with, someone who fell out of love with us.

 

THE END

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have made it to the end of this book, thank you! I am so grateful for every read, every comment and every vote. There were times I felt like giving up on this book but thanks to you all, I didn’t – and here we are! 
> 
> I finished the last chapter a few days before we received news of Woojin’s departure. I was (and still am) so devastated that I wanted to change the ending of the book and make it somewhat happier. But that felt wrong. We can never force happy endings no matter how much we want them. We have to make do with the endings we’re given, and focus on creating new beginnings. 
> 
> The main thing that I wanted to portray with this book, What Lies Beneath, is that people are more than what they seem on the surface. For example, the Jeongin that Hyunjin knew was different from the Jeongin that Minho knew, different from the Jeongin that Chan knew. I think people have all these different dimensions, different layers and we tend to show specific layers to certain people and hide specific layers from others. 
> 
> Personally, it’s difficult for me to show all aspects of myself to people, even those closest to me. There’s always a fear that they won’t like all of me. So when I meet someone new, I make a careful, unconscious decision choosing which layers to show to them. 
> 
> I was so tempted to write at least one chapter from Chan’s point of view, but I resisted that temptation. There’s a reason I never wanted to write from his perspective. I want you, the reader, to really think about Chan’s character. Would he have been the person he was, would he have done all those awful things if his family was still alive? Throughout the book, whatever you learn about Chan, you learn from the other characters – it’s all their perceptions and opinions of him. There’s always this debate in psychology about whether evil is an innate quality – something that people are born with, or whether people do bad things because of their background, their environment, situations. Do you think that Chan was driven by circumstances to do the things he did? Or do you think that there had to be something very wrong with him to do those things? There are no right or wrong answers to those questions. All we can do is wonder, not just about Chan, but also about people in the real world, about those around us, and about ourselves: What drives us? How many layers do we have? Who, I anyone, do we trust enough to show all those layers to? How well do you know the people around you?
> 
> I just want to say, these last few days have been very hard for me, and for the rest of the fandom, for all of you. At first I thought I’d deal with it by completely avoiding all SKZ content – music, videos… But last night I took a risk and just listened to their entire discography. It was difficult and I broke down multiple times. But I’m glad I did it. It’s kind of like when you know you’re going to submerge yourself in really cold water. You either do it a little bit at a time, or you just jump in and get it over with – whatever works for you.
> 
> Stay strong, STAY. Let’s be there for each other. Let’s be there for Stray Kids. 
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading. I appreciate you all. I hope that wherever you are, you’re happy and you’re safe.
> 
> Lots of love to you all,
> 
> Flora
> 
> If you want to contact me, just to talk (I’m always open to making friends even though I’m hopeless at it), or if you need help with something, or you just have questions about this book or any of my other books:
> 
> Email: florathewriter@gmail.com 
> 
> Twitter/Instagram: @ flora_stays


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